Friday, October 18, 2013

Day 446 - Still believing that backchat is a safe haven

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I am continuing with a series of posts referring to the my new living environment and the people in it. 

Day 441 - Trying to create stability in my new environment through characterisation

Day 442 - Focus on "newness" is separation - SCS

Day 443 - Old patterns in new environments


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comment in my mind on how my flatmates do things around the house when I don't like it, because I have different standards and requirements about living together in a house and want my flatmates to have the same standards as mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the flatmates to whom I have not much contact because they are either never home or I don't like the way they interact with me and thus I minimise my interaction with them, and within that I do not see the part I play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorise the people I live with based on my backchat and my secret mind, even though I do not want to be categorised myself yet I do it to others because I believe that as long as the information is in my mind it is safe - not realising that my thoughts are destructive to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm enough to stop my backchat about my flatmates because there is a part of me that enjoys backchatting since this diverts myself from looking to my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to create separation instead of looking for ways to stand one and equal to each one of my flatmates.

Commitment Statements:

When and as I want/desire to control my world at home, I stop and breathe, I realise that the backchat I accept fuels my want/desire to protect my ego so that I do not have to change from separation to equality. I commit myself to stop my ego and stand equal to all that are part of my living environment.

When and as I have backchat about my flatmates I stop and breathe, I realise that I use this backchat to justify minimising interacting with the flatmates with whom I am uncomfortable because I do not want to challenge the way I have programmed myself and change. I commit myself to stop making a difference in my interactions and interact with all flatmates as equals.

When and as I allow myself to backchat because I believe that I am safe in my backchat I stop myself and breathe, I realise that I am sabotaging my self in creating one and equal relationshipswith my environment. I commit myself to stop believing that what happens in my mind is safe.

When and as I allow myself to keep a backdoor open which is evident when I continue to listen to my backchat, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am wavering on my decision to changebecause I allow myself to sabotage myself. I commit myself to stop self-sabotage by stopping my backchat.

When and as I allow myself to have backchat about my flatmates, I stop and breathe, I realise that I continue to create separation in this way and I simply stop myself. I commit myself to end allrelationships that are linked to separation and replace them by relationships of equality. 
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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Day 445 - Inserting a preconceived idea into a situation while being stuck in a preoccupied mind

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In this post I am inserting a new topic - I will continue where I left off from my previous posts in the following posts. I am introducing a new subject to forgive because of what happened yesterday and which turned out to be a bigger point than I initially figured. Thus, it's best to expose it and state what I have realised about it.

I went to an important project meeting with my boss yesterday. It was the two of us and five board members of a city with about 30 000 inhabitants. Although the project has been sufficiently communicated before I was employed, this meeting served to clarify any questions. From an overall perspective, the meeting went very well. I had prepared a ppt file to help with the 'translation' of the project's objective. After one hour had passed one of the members was ready to close the meeting. At this time I mentioned my ppt - and although my boss said 'no' to my question if we wanted to show the ppt, one of the board members said 'sure'. So I started to show it, and my boss started to interrupt me while I was talking, this threw me off as i was already not very comfortable in telling the story in another language, I then experienced nervousness and anxiety.  

What I learned in this moment about myself was that I was responding to an expectation in my mind, the ppt that I had prepared was just a preconceived idea of what I was going to do. In the moment of the presentation I should have looked at how this preconceived idea fits into the context of the situation that I was moving in. Instead, I went back to the preconceived idea and tried to insert it in my current reality. I could not see what I was doing because I was preoccupied by my mind - which actually shows the disconnect between myself and the mental part of me.  Instead of looking at the context in which I was moving in, namely that I was sitting at the end of a meeting with 5 board members that wanted to go back to work, I was looking at presenting the idea of the presentation. My task would have been to just pull out the main points which would have been one slide and talk about the point of that slide. Because I had built up some anxiety about speaking fluently in the language that I was giving the presentation in, I literally blinded myself to the context of the situation as I was preoccupied mentally. 

This is a valuable insight, to see how I create these types of situations. However, it's a bigger point now because I did allow myself to believe the backchat that followed in the evening, and this morning when I woke up the first thought on my mind was a replay of the memory of this situation. I further realise that I have used the "I am not good enough" personality to create energetic patterns to experience myself in 'deficit' - so therefore there is still something I am holding onto in this situation - not just having the insight and moving on. I will now investigate this point from its many dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this faux pas during the presentation has repercussions for me and it left a bad impression with my boss, and that in future situations he will trust me less. 

When and as I want to create more energy because I use the idea of punishment to conceive myself that I cannot change, I stop and breathe, I realise that what I am dealing with is my own mind which is disconnected from the reality I move in because it draws on memories to determine my interaction with the present moment in time and therefore I let go of future projection and focus on walking this point. 
I commit myself to recognise and stop future projections and do what needs to be done in the moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot improve upon myself because now I won't have the possibility to take part within another meeting of this kind. 

When and as I use fear of loss to stop myself from changing, I stop and breathe, I recognise it for what it is - a self-manipulation manoeuvre - which I will not allow to determine my reality. I commit myself to see, recognise and stop all self-manipulation to avoid changing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this will create a memory within my boss and that I will have to face this point again because I have created a time loop for myself.

When and as I continue to manipulate by using the idea of "what others think of me" I stop and breathe, I realise that this is linked to the memories of my mother creating anxiety about what others think of her, and a memory of my father being embarrassed of what others think of him - and therefore I see, realise, and understand that this is a downloaded program - which I commit myself to stop in one breath.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that the problem is not me giving the presentation but that I am in my mind and am not responding to the context of the situation because i allow myself to fear one aspect of the presentation, in this case it was the point of not being so fluent in the language in which I was speaking, and allow this point to cover up my understanding and the seeing of what needs to be done in this particular situation so that the outcome is best for all. 

When and as I preoccupy myself with my mind, I give myself permission to make myself aware of the fact in all situations, I then stop myself and breathe, I slow down and come back to the current situation and then act within the context of my current situation. I commit myself to make myself aware when I am stuck in my mind and will myself to come back to the current context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to repeat the situation in my mind and not be firm enough to stop myself from recycling the memory so that I can feel "bad" about myself. 

When and as I recycle a memory, I stop and breathe for a moment, and do not accept to continue - once I am clear I continue with what I am doing. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to cycle in memories like a hamster in a wheel. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place labels of self-diminishment on myself based on the memory I have created of this situation and based on the program I have activated within myself. 

When and as I want to take a memory and become the interpretation of that memory, I stop and breathe, I realise that that this is how I consume myself because I allow one memory to consume me, instead of realising that this is a delusional state that is not based on common sense and that I can just stop it. I commit myself to adhere to common sense all of the time, and when I drift into states of delusion I immediately bring myself back and continue to move myself in the actual and physical reality I live in. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this memory to imagine negative future outcomes in relation to the success of my work, my presentation skills, and my ability to present in more than one language. 

When and as I use this memory to limit myself, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my mind who want to foretell my future to stop me from changing myself because if I believe that I have a limit I will give up on my self-change. I commit myself to live breath-by-breath and push myself in each breath to be here one and equal to context of the moment that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat within myself about the meaning of this experience in relation to who I am as a person and as a researcher, and as the position I hold at the uni. 

When and as I use my mind to create self-doubt, I stop and breathe, once again I realise that this is yet another mechanism of the mind to keep me trapped within myself created limitations. I commit myself to uncreate that which I have created for myself by letting go of all self-limitations breath-by-breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the backchat I have created about this memory instead of realising the value of having seen the dynamics of the situation and being able to change them from now on. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed myself to let my backchat interfere with my relationship with self, not realising that this is a program within me that I have allowed to generate energy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not stop my addiction to energy via the pattern of anxiety by not allowing myself to get to the bottom of this pattern so that I can see, realise and understand that I have released all memories around this point and walk the self-correction. 

When and as I realise that I have become a slave to the energy production machine that I am, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down to the point of where I see nothing else but the elements that are here in the situation and only when I arrive there I continue moving myself through my reality. I commit myself to stop my addiction by slowing myself down and down and down until I see what is here. 




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have responded to a picture during my presentation of one of the board members who, for a moment, bowed down his head and held it in his hand, which I used as a trigger to generate a thought of me failing in giving a successful presentation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the picture of physical body position as trigger to interpret my actions as failed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to forgive myself for having reacted and acted within anxiety. 

When and as I allow the picture of the physical reality to be triggers of thoughts in situations where I have habitually created anxiety-energy, I stop and breathe, I recognise the mechanism and let it go in the moment - that is I move myself one step further from merely recognising the moment to actually letting it go, so that I can move myself beyond this point and walk out of the trigger. I commit myself to move myself beyond the point of recognition of a trigger that I use in my addiction to energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the meeting manipulate the situation by telling my boss in an underhanded manner that he did a great job in arguing/defending the points that were discussed - in self-honesty I realise that I did this to divert from myself and to lift him up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to my boss but to see myself as less than him, because I work on 'his' projects - I therefore see myself as being replaceable. 

When and as I communicate with my boss, I stop my fear and my compensation tactics such as manipulation instead I pull out the points which I can comment on by standing one and equal to them. I commit myself to engage with my boss from the starting point as equal. 




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created physical reactions in relation to the memory of this situation where I have noticed that I have muscle spasms when lying in my bed and having a memory of the situation replaying in my head. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a physical movement in relation to this situation which is what I allowed to determine how I move myself physically in the moments and hours that follow and where I fell in my awareness of how I move physically in my reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed myself to become possessed by the mind-energy of anxiety and to allow this possession to take over physically in how I moved during the presentation, and how I have allowed it to affect my sleeping pattern.  

When and as I am possessed by mind-energy, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that when I slow down I can reach the point of transcendence and stop. I commit myself to apply myself in these situations until I have stopped the mind-energy possession. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created consequences for myself because I was possessed by anxiety energy linked to a moment in time where I presented information to others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created consequences towards the context of the situation where I am not responding to what is here and thus create a separation between myself and the situation - wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this separation because I realise that the consequence of this is that I have to walk this point again. 

When and as I have created a consequence for myself,  I stop myself from wanting to punish myself by creating regret, I realise that I had an opportunity to change but I didn't and use this momentum to strengthen my resolve to change myself and walk out of my mind. I commit myself to use the consequences I create as reference point to where I must focus on walking the points of my mind-energy relationship. 


[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 444 - Using imagination as a point of manipulation

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Here I continue on the series of posts related to my new living situation. 

What follows picks up from here:

Day 441 - Trying to create stability in my new environment through characterisation

Day 442 - Focus on "newness" is separation - SCS

Day 443 - Old patterns in new environments

Imagination Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine when I step out of my room that if I run into my flatmates that I need to engage with them and that this will create a conflict within me because I want to stay with my schedule and not waste my time with small talk. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I step out of my room, one of my flatmates will demand something from me and I do not want to be involved with her in this way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I am not friendly enough and manage to conduct small talk with my flatmates, I will create conflict and a unpleasant situation with them. 

Commitment Statements:

When and as I that I will create conflict if I don't engage with my flatmates, I stop and breathe, I realise that I use the fear of conflict to keep myself enslaved within my preprogrammed design - because I see that fear of conflict is something I created within my relationship to my parents where I hated being exposed to their conflicts. Therefore I realise that I use the fear of potentialconflict as an excuse to justify my behaviour.
commit myself to stop using fear of conflict to keep myself from directing myself, regardless in which environment I move myself.

When and as I imagine that one of my flatmates will demand something of me, where I will have to say yes, I stop myself and breathe - I realise that I am acting from resistance and not from common sense. I commit myself to evaluate any request by anyone from common sense and stop myself from allowing my feelings/emotions to interfere.

When and as I imagine that I am not friendly enough, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that this is again a tactic to keep myself enslaved and is not more to do with self-acceptance - thus I stop self-manipulation and direct myself. I commit myself to direct myself in breathe and stop manipulating myself using 'old' patterns.


[Continue reading...]

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Day 443 - Old patterns in new environments

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In this post I continue to write about my new living situation. In the previous two posts I dealt with the fears and committed myself to change what I realised about my behaviour. 


After having written the thought dimension I realised that each self-forgiveness statement is part of a main theme that has recurred throughout my writing on this blog. I am actually walking through these patterns now in real-time because I have chosen to live communally where old patterns are challenged. Great! :)

Thought dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me living with my flatmates and being 'happy' about the living situation and the fact that we all get along, which is the thought that triggers my efforts to be nice and to try to get along instead of facing myself within my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me where I sneak in and out my room in the house where I currently live - feeling good when I am in my room and feeling fearful outside of my room, and feeling uncomfortable when I have to make the transition from within my room to going outside of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where I am interacting with my flatmates and I am suppressing my reactions so that I save face, because I want to appear as the one who rises above the situation ( of conflict).

Commitment statements:

When and as I have a picture come up where I see myself as happy and together with my flatmates like a happy family, I stop myself and breathe I realise that I have equated 'happiness' with comfort and ease, and thus i strive to create that comfort and ease in my living arrangement because I believe that my life will be better that way and I can avoid conflict.

When and as I have a picture come up where I distinguish how I feel dependent on whether I am in my room or in the rest of the house, I stop and breathe, I realise that this reflects my internal separation when I am alone and with others and is linked to my introverted personality. I commit myself to stand one and equal to the introverted personality pattern.

When and as I want to save face and want to appear as the cool one within my living situation, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my desire to be superior, to protect myself from the others. I commit myself to stop looking for validation from others and thus stop all superior and inferior patterns.
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Day 442 - Focus on "newness" is separation - SCS

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From my last post:

Problem:
Overall I have noticed that I still analyse my colleagues and the people I live with so that I can come to grips with a definition of them which I believe gives me a sense of stability about my environment. Meaning, in my mind I have a created the person as a reference point onto which I attach specific attributes/labels in how I see them. In this way I create a history with them from which I interact instead of being here one and equal. The analytical process is of course not really analytical but it's from my 'historical' perspective that I compare the person to my values, morals, beliefs and ideas and from this perspective determine the characterisation. So, in a nutshell a projection. I am totally aware of this point - and yet, I still see that I engage with others on that level because I am new and from my mind's perspective I must "locate" myself in space within my new surrounding.


In this post, I present the commitment statements for the fears I wrote out previously. 


Commitment statements:

When and as I focus on the newness of my situation, I stop and breathe - I realise that the focus on 'newness' is the point of separation I allow from which other points cascade and in the end I allow myself to be fearful of my environment because I have approached it as different, as my 'new' environment, instead of realising that there is nothing new about it except my view of it.
commit myself to change my starting point by conducting myself in awareness  of creating equal relationships, and to stop all focus on the 'newness' of my new living situation.

When and as I fear the 'newness' of my environment, because i believe that the newness is more than me, I stop and breathe, I realise that I use the 'newness' to evoke the pattern of self-victimisation and self-diminishment, when in common sense I am very clear about my decision: that I am the one who is directing me. Therefore, I commit myself to respond to my new environment within equal relationships and to redefine the word "respond".

When and as I want to label one of my flatmates in how I approach her, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am projecting onto her what I don't like about myself and I stop. When I see her either in the house or at work, I stop and breathe before I engage with her so that I can interact from the point of breath  and stop myself from referencing my judgements or memories that I have stored within myself. I commit myself to release all judgements and memories and stop holding onto feelings/emotions in how I relate to my flatmate.

When and as I desire to feel good with my colleagues and flatmates, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that wanting to find something likeable about each colleague is my urge to relate to others as personality - therefore I commit myself to stop relating as personality and relate to others as versions of me, from the point of life, and thus I give myself permission to direct myself within our interaction from the point of equality and create what is best for all.
[Continue reading...]
 
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