Thursday, October 10, 2013

Day 441 - Trying to create stability in my new environment through characterisation

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I want to continue working on my new life situation, that is work and living at the same time. In the last posts I have dealt with a topic that encompasses work and boss-employee relationship. In this series of posts I am looking at my personal relations with colleagues and flatmates - in some cases it's one and the same.


Problem:

Overall I have noticed that I still analyse my colleagues and the people I live with so that I can come to grips with a definition of them which I believe gives me a sense of stability about my environment. Meaning, in my mind I have a created the person as a reference point onto which I attach specific attributes/labels in how I see them. In this way I create a history with them from which I interact instead of being here one and equal. The analytical process is of course not really analytical but it's from my 'historical' perspective that I compare the person to my values, morals, beliefs and ideas and from this perspective determine the characterisation. So, in a nutshell a projection. I am totally aware of this point - and yet, I still see that I engage with others on that level because I am new and from my mind's perspective I must "locate" myself in space within my new surrounding.

Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a new environment with new people, new living quarters, a different language - even though I have done this process several time already throughout my life, and yet I still fear the unfamiliar aspect of a new environment with new people, and within that I still live in the illusion of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the newness of my environment because I believe I am a victim of my environment and cannot determine who I am within it because I believe that I must respond to the circumstances of the new environment, and within that need to respond I believe myself to be out of control because I have a definition of response that originates in ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike one of my flatmates because I have labelled her as self-centred, careless, and opportunistic and I do not enjoy talking to her - and within that I have allowed myself to strengthen this position because one of my other flatmates has told me similar points from his observation and although I did not acknowledge his observations - I still silently used what he told me to justify holding on to my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to like the new people around me because I believe that when I can find something likeable about the person I am not in separation, because I believe the feeling of togetherness to be real



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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day 440 - Compensation mechanism revealed through a memory

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This is the final post in this series:

Day 436 - Backchat causing a chain reaction of events

Day 437 - Standing up from the memory of disapproval

Day 438 - Seeking to trust because of fear of survival


Day 439 - Using backchat to justify my expectation...


Here I am working with the Reaction and Physical Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my boss when I feel insecure about myself and my performance at work, so that I compensate for my inner feeling by seeking contact with him, to calm myself down and make sure everything is still OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a behaviour dynamic based on the memory of my childhood when my parents stopped to interact with me as punishment, and I had to try to 'find out' the state of things whereby I experienced myself as if in danger, fearing that something inconceivable was about to happen where this feeling of pain and pressure lodged in my solar plexus reaching down all the way to my genitals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to writing this self-forgiveness with sadness because I have a memory coming up of how i felt in those situations with my parents where I experienced myself without value and I remember how much I suffered, and realising now that I allowed this to happen to myself - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my work with frustration and with purposelessness, where I become physically weary and move around a lot in my chair never feeling comfortable in one seating position versus another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not knowing what to do, in how to approach my work, seeking and searching for the next step, unable to direct myself and not being productive with my tasks.


Commitment statements:

When and as I am reacting to my boss, when I am inclined to find out if everything is alright by hanging around his office or finding excuses to engage him in conversation, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am acting from memory and that I am in this moment disconnected from my relationship with self. I commit myself to maintain my relationship with self continuously and stop all orientation on the external world, including my boss.

When and as the memory of how i suffered as a child comes up again, I stop and breathe, I realise that if I get sad about it I still don't stand as an equal to the memory, I realise that I did not have the tools back then and that I now have the opportunity to end the memory and take responsibility for what I have created within myself. I commit myself to establish myself within my memories as one and equal and to stop to allow memories to direct me.

When and as I am restless and not knowing what to do when I encounter insecurity in my job, I stop and breathe, I realise that I must slow myself down so that I can consider the options in how to approach my work in the best possible way. I commit myself to slow down and trust myself to find the most lucrative way to approach my work.

When and as I want to get frustrated with my work situation, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my mind and stop giving any energy towards it. I reset myself and continue to do what I was hired for. I commit myself to let go of all frustration so that I can do my work with focus on the physical aspect, supported by breathing in awareness.
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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Day 439 - Using backchat to justify my expectations

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In this post I continue from the previous posts:


Day 436 - Backchat causing a chain reaction of events

Day 437 - Standing up from the memory of disapproval

Day 438 - Seeking to trust because of fear of survival



The Backchat Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a voice in my head that responds to dealings with my boss, when I don't get what I want or need from him, I allow myself to justify complaining about him in my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to justify my expectations in how my boss should respond to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about any inconsistency in my boss' behaviour where I react with spite because I perceive that his behaviour has become less caring - where I am no longer being treated in the same manner as in my first week and therefore compare in my backchat the different modes of how has/is treating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my boss copying my words and ways of doing things, and in my backchat I believe that he is stealing my ideas from me and thus I fear that this will be detrimental for me in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about me not getting to work on time and getting stuck in traffic and thus fearing in my backchat that my boss stores these incidences as 'points against me'.



Commitment statements:

When and as I allow the voice in my head to comment on my unfulfilled expectations within my relationship with my boss, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is just a program and I stop participating in it. I commit myself to stop participating in backchat where I am justifying expectations that are not being fulfilled by my boss.

When and as I allow my backchat to compare and comment on my boss' behaviour with me I remind myself that I am referring to memory and to moments that do not exist anymore and I let go of them.
commit myself to stop drawing on memories within my relationship with my boss and deal with all that is here in the moment.

When and as I allow backchat about my boss coping my style, my words and my advice, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my ego that wants to be special thus i stop myself from backchatting and realise that I still have work to do - therefore I commit myself to cease my ego's existence.

When and as I am stuck in traffic and I have backchat about not getting to work on time and that I will score negative points with my boss, I stop and breathe, I realise that I can improve on finding a better, more reliable way to get to work, and that no form of backchat is justifiable in this situation.
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Day 438 - Seeking to trust because of fear of survival

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I continue writing on my experience which I laid out on day 436


After my last post, I realised that since I used the memory of disapproval to generate energetic charges within the interaction with my boss and the new work situation and moreover I realised from that if I project a memory of my father onto the situation then I see him in relation to me in the same position as I see my father. Thus, within that I see that I try to trust my boss - that I am looking for ways to confirm in mind that he's alright and that I can trust him.

Next I write out the imagination dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can please my boss not realising that this creates the approval-disapproval dynamic that I already experienced with my father and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must make a decision to stop recreating a father-child relationship within my work situation and take responsibility for myself as equal partner not allowing any justifications that there is any validity in creating the afore-mentioned type of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my boss wants the best for me as I imagined my father wanting the best for me, and thus constructing my relationship with my boss as I did with my father on the illusion of trust, because I desire to feel secure since I/we have created a world that is fundamentally build on the struggle to survive and the fears that are linked to survival, so that I want to counteract this fear with a secure place and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my relationship with my boss on the basis of the fear of survival and the polarised effect of seeking/desiring to be secure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I have figured out my boss' behaviour patterns and will know exactly how to establish myself within and from then on, I believe, I will no longer have feelings of insecurity and everything between me and him will be going smoothly.


Commitment statements:

When and as I am having imaginations where I see my boss approving and disapproving of me, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am acting from memory of my father's relationship, I do not have to re-enact this memory and I can simply stop and center myself in my relationship with self. I commit myself to remain steady within my relationship with myself when interacting with my boss, and take total responsibility as equal partner in the shared work situation.

When and as I desire to trust my boss, so that I can let myself go and stop all fear related to my relationship with him and to preserve my job, I stop and breathe, I realise that wanting to trust my boss is my deep desire to stop my fear of survival and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside of myself for security instead of trusting myself and my process to stop the fear of survival and become one and equal in all relationships.

When and as I imagine that I must figure out how my boss works to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him, I stop and breathe, I realise that I can create myself in breath as equal to him, and stop using fear to try to figure him out. I commit myself to stop the starting point of fear within the relationship with my boss and to set a new starting point of oneness and equality. 
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Sunday, October 6, 2013

Day 437 - Standing up from the memory of disapproval

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I continue from my previous post. So initially I let the backchat about how I related to the presentation and the communication point with my boss direct me. This became the underpinning of my work day and created an opening for my mind so that I actually voiced some backchat in an unrelated situation, in a grocery store later on. This shows how backchat/the mind creates a momentum when there is a slight acceptance somewhere - I became unpredictable in creating unfavourable events for myself. Clearly, backchat is self-abuse.

I am able to see this web of reactions and events all linked to self-devaluing and self-limitation, originating from the memory of interacting with my father, where I see the exact parallels with my boss and how I have programmed myself within this picture/thought and interpretation thereof. Elsewhere I have released this memory already but clearly I do not stand up within myself to push through the automated limitations and self-judgements.

In the remainder of this post I will move through the other dimensions in relation to the events I have outline in the previous post.

Thought dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture come up where I see my boss shaking his head with a disappointed expression or sitting at his desk engaging with the material, reticent, trying to fix my presentation so that it is to his satisfaction - and thus I allow this thought to determine how I engage with the task, to create the presentation, and therefore allow the starting point of who I am in what I do to be determined by this thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself a thought wherein I create self limitations in the production of my work because I use a thought that depicts a picture of me receiving failure 'marks' by my boss, wherein I do not realise that allowing this picture to exist within me is crippling my potential because I allow myself to work from the habituated memory of my father's disapproval of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a memory of my father to determine who I am, where I allow a thought linked to this memory because I have habituated and automated myself to use this memory, to keep myself enslaved in the automation and habituation of experiencing myself as less effective so that I generate energy - even though I have released the memory already, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up in this point of accepting competence and success as the outcomes of my work and creations, because I want to be safe and saved by my programs to avoid having to change myself.

Commitments:

When and as I have a picture of my boss come up where he enacts my father, shaking his head, or, I have a picture come up of my boss sitting at his desk correcting my work, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that I have accepted myself to interpret this picture as indicating that I am not good enough in what I do and that I use this interpretation to devalue myself and to diminish myself. I realise that this is entirely my own doing and I do not allow this to be so. Thus, I stop all judgement of my work and push myself to stop holding back in producing an outcome of the tasks that I am assigned that is creative within common sense which I can explain to any one who needs to hear about it - I commit myself to create a starting point of equality where I m standing equal to the task and equal to the outcome of the task.

When and as I accept the thought that I am limited in what I can produce within a task of my work, I stop myself, breathe, I reset my starting point and realise that I push myself forward, I treat the project as an opportunity for creative expression, I do not allow myself to produce the project from the starting point of "wanting to please my boss". I commit myself to cease the opportunity, to create the presentation and the ideas within it from my unlimited creative expression.

When and as I seek the comfort of habituation and the energy production that goes with it, I stop and breathe, I give myself permission to push myself beyond my limits and step out of my comfort and safety zone, while staying in awareness throughout my working process, so that I catch the moments where I want to remain safe and push myself to exit habituation and automation through the focus on breath and physical action. I commit myself to apply myself in this way throughout the entire working process. 





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