I want to continue working on my new life situation, that is work and living at the same time. In the last posts I have dealt with a topic that encompasses work and boss-employee relationship. In this series of posts I am looking at my personal relations with colleagues and flatmates - in some cases it's one and the same.
Overall I have noticed that I still analyse my colleagues and the people I live with so that I can come to grips with a definition of them which I believe gives me a sense of stability about my environment. Meaning, in my mind I have a created the person as a reference point onto which I attach specific attributes/labels in how I see them. In this way I create a history with them from which I interact instead of being here one and equal. The analytical process is of course not really analytical but it's from my 'historical' perspective that I compare the person to my values, morals, beliefs and ideas and from this perspective determine the characterisation. So, in a nutshell a projection. I am totally aware of this point - and yet, I still see that I engage with others on that level because I am new and from my mind's perspective I must "locate" myself in space within my new surrounding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a new environment with new people, new living quarters, a different language - even though I have done this process several time already throughout my life, and yet I still fear the unfamiliar aspect of a new environment with new people, and within that I still live in the illusion of powerlessness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the newness of my environment because I believe I am a victim of my environment and cannot determine who I am within it because I believe that I must respond to the circumstances of the new environment, and within that need to respond I believe myself to be out of control because I have a definition of response that originates in ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike one of my flatmates because I have labelled her as self-centred, careless, and opportunistic and I do not enjoy talking to her - and within that I have allowed myself to strengthen this position because one of my other flatmates has told me similar points from his observation and although I did not acknowledge his observations - I still silently used what he told me to justify holding on to my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to like the new people around me because I believe that when I can find something likeable about the person I am not in separation, because I believe the feeling of togetherness to be real.