Friday, October 4, 2013

Day 436 - Backchat causing a chain reaction of events

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Today I had a tough day, not because something substantially happened. Instead, lots of little things happened. I see that whatever I perceive as having happened was my backchat that I believed to the point that it directed me. At work I found it very tedious to read through the proposals to which I have to create a presentation with innovative ideas. I even remember when I let the first backchat pass, where I mentally agreed with it - whoop! I was a stuck believer. The hours dragged on as I was reading and also nagging my boss for more info throughout the day instead of just collecting all my questions and then going to him for clarification. Once I left work I went to the grocery store where I bought some stuff and actually spoke my backchat to someone, which caused a reaction in her and then a embarrassment reaction in me. I was able to stop myself going down deeper into the rabbit hole, and managed to not judge myself further for having voiced my backchat. Once I came home I made dinner and did not realise that my online appointment was passed due, and so I arrived there late. Then, just as I was getting ready to write my post, I realised that I had forgotten my power adapter at work and thus I must return to uni after I am finished with this and fetch it. Arghhh.....

It's interesting when writing all this out I see how I caused the chain reaction because I allowed for my backchat to slip in the first instance, which creates an avalanche of effects in my reality.

Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to come up with some innovative ideas for the project and thus I allow my backchat to control my 'attitude' towards the project which determines how I take in the information that I am reading and how I relate to the project as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not producing an adequate presentation because I don't know enough about the project and I don't know what my boss imagines the presentation should do for the members of the board.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever I produce is not enough for my boss, and that this will affect my relationship with him because I believe that I will be judged based on what I produce, wherein I realise that in common sense I cannot be evaluated at this point because there simply has not been enough time for him to see how I work and what I can produce - therefore, I show to myself that I am taking the situation personal and when I look at it in reality without self-deception I see it's about me believing that I am not good enough for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to disappoint my boss' expectation about what I can produce for the project and that this causes me to experience myself as being disappointed about myself where I create myself in self-victimisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know how to best address my boss so that I can get valuable feedback because my current approach does not work, and instead of systematically figuring out how to elicit the 'feedback' information that I need from him, I resign myself as being incapable to do so which is me victimising myself.


Commitment:

When and as I fear that I won't have innovative ideas for the project, I realise that I am creating this block within myself by holding back and by not allowing myself to embrace the project passionately where I give it all I got without creating an expectation inside of me. Thus I stop myself in the moment where I begin to get heavy about it and breathe. I physically step away from my desk and walk around outside for some minutes and then come back with a reset starting point. I commit myself to stop holding myself back and to give the project all I got, steadily pushing my own limitations.

When and as I fear that I don't have enough information or know what my boss imagines for me to do a good job on the presentation, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am sabotaging myself so that I perceive a lack of something and thus I cannot create what is necessary to be created for the project to succeed. I see in common sense that I have enough material to create a first draft of the presentation and then present it for feedback. I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself in this task and uncover and release all sabotaging events.

When and as I fear that my relationship with my boss is at stake if I don't produce a good enough presentation I stop and breathe, I realise that I am creating this fear to experience myself in uncertainty and thus create energies around this point and create an uncomfortable feeling within myself. I commit myself to stop using the production of this presentation as means to make myself feel uncomfortable within myself.

When and as I fear that I disappoint my boss, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have created expectations because of my boss not communicating with me sufficiently where I have a clear outline of the job at hand and what his expectations are. I therefore create expectations within myself because I experience discomfort with him not communicating more about the requirements and what he imagines. I commit myself to stop wondering what my boss expects of me and just get the job done by pushing myself past my limits and creating a presentation that considers the situation in every way I can and then look for feedback. 
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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day 435 - The morning routine pt7

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I continue from my previous post - here comes the reaction dimension:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the living situation by creating myself in energy which I allow to accumulate within myself from the morning to the end of the day, so that I already go to work charged and in this state accumulate more energy because I am believing my thoughts related to living in the shared environment, using points of interaction or non-interaction as well as the noises I produce when moving about the house as vehicle to create energetic experiences of fearanxiety and dislike.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to living in my new environment through separating myself from it and thus creating instability within myself and allowing the relationship with myself to be tampered with and thus not feeling comfortable in my skin and therefore operating in the world, including at my work place from the starting point of my pre-programmed design instead of equality and oneness by merely remaining in breath here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek separation from my flatmates in moments where I make a decision to use anxiety and mental justifications to determine whether I should go to a place in the house or not.

Thus, I commit myself:

When and as I experience myself in distress because I react to the environment in my new living situation, I stop and breathe, I center myself within myself, and stand equal to my environment understanding, that I am in physical reality which is accompanied by noises - I stop myself from interpreting the noises and see them for what they are. 


When and as I am at the moment where I want to create energy because of my living environment I stop and breathe, do not allow myself to go there, I remain in breath, then I take the point and find a moment during the day to write it out to see if if there is anything in the point that could a) apply to the environment or b) determine if the point has to do with lack of self-value. When and as I want to experience myself as having less value than what is here, I breathe and speak self-forgiveness in the moment - or find a place where I can speak self-forgiveness so that I walk this point once and for all. 

When and as I use my environment to create points of separation within myself which I can sense by feeling uncomfortable within myself I stop and breathe, I immediately center myself and stop the reaction and see and realise that this is my mind - so, it's based on memory and thought. I thus stop myself and breathe, not 'paying' attention to my thoughts so that I don't pay the price of reaction - and I move myself from the starting point of what is best for all.
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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Day 434 - The morning routine pt6

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I continue from my previous post...

here goes the backchat dimension.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat in my mind about my current living situation being temporary and in this way I try to calm myself down and create an attitude of 'enduring the situation'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat towards one of my flatmates where I describe her as moody, nosy and way to talkative because I do not want to have to stand up for myself and state, for example, that I must go now, but instead I develop anxiety where I stay away from her so that I do not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat regarding the living situation where I want to fall back into self-victimisation and want to convince myself that I should be feeling sorry for myself because I am new here and I should receive some concessions because of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the availability of the flat's kitchen and bathrooms in the morning because I can no longer use the bathrooms anytime as I want to as I used to when I was living with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my flatmates 'habits' in the kitchen and in the bathroom, completely overlooking my own habits and thus wanting to blame others for theirs.

commit myself to:

When and as I see one of my flatmates and I have a thought come up that wants to skew and preempt my interactions with her, I stop and breathe, I realise that I allow myself to be in a inferiorposition which I can stop by standing equal to her.

When and as I want to self-victimise and am using backchat to do so, I recognise the pattern from my past and stop. I breathe and move on.

When and as I want to listen to my internal self-talk about the bathrooms being occupied and the kitchen being too crowded, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am "measuring" my current living situation on the one I just left behind, when I was living with my partner.

When and as I want to comment on my flatmates' habits, silently in my mind, I stop and breathe, I realise that each one of us has their habits that are not necessarily liked by the others and that wanting to change others is me wanting to control the situation - and within that I realise if there is something that should be changed in common sense then I should bring it up. 


When and as I want to justify my living situation as being temporary, I stop and breathe, I realise I live moment by moment and stop all future projections. 
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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Day 433 - The morning routine pt5

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The next dimension to tackle on this point is what I imagine.... I continue from here:

Day 429 - The morning routine pt1
Day 430 - The morning routine pt2
Day 431 - The morning routine pt3- what's a decision got to do with it...?
Day 432 - The morning routine pt4


Imagination dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that it is going to be difficult for me to get out of my room and face the world outside of my room and that I have to converse and "deal" with my flatmates - and thus I forgive myself for imagining myself moving with very heavy limps and a very slow motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I must backtrack and that I am arriving late and frazzled at work and without my equipment - where I imagine myself running around "headless" and not getting anything done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I am not putting out more effort to connect with my flatmates that this will affect my working environment, where I imagine my flatmates' behaviour towards me having changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my relationship with my flatmates hinges on me, and that I am in the position to stir how the relationship evolves wherein I realise that I imagine a point of control.

Thus I commit myself:

When and as I am about to imagine that it is going to be difficult to get out of my room, I stop and breathe, and move myself - because I realise that I am just following a program and that that is not who I am.

When and as I imagine that my living situation is affecting my performance at work, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a decision I make and this I make the decision to stop my thoughts.

When and as I have fear that I am being punished by my flatmates because I do not socialise with them, I stop and breathe, I stop any projection how I should interact with my flatmates.

When and as I want to control the relationship I have with my flatmates because I want my flatmates to be alright at home so that we all share a comfortable home, I stop and breathe and stop the desire/need to control the situation. 
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Day 432 - The morning routine pt4

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Continuing from the previous post....Releasing the fear dimension has been very supportive for my morning routine and so far I have not succumbed to any resistance for over a week now. Tomorrow is Monday and so my second week begins where I equalise the relationship between myself in my room and myself outside of my room in the rest of the house.

Thought dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me, inside of me where I am involved in my morning routine and where I am outside of my room and suddenly my morning routine is stopped because one of my flatmates involves me in a conversation and I cannot get away to continue on the various tasks that I do before going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be particularly grateful to one of my flatmates because it was through her that I heard of the available room and so I experience a slight feeling of guilt when I don't engage in conversations in the mornings because I believe that the point of conversing with her is obligatory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture inside of me where I am about to enter the kitchen and I hear that all flatmates are in the kitchen and I then remember that I have experienced the kitchen as tight and difficult to move around and I just want to interrupt my morning routine and wait for everyone else to finish so that I can be in the kitchen alone or with only one other person - and this, for the sake of wanting to be comfortable in my mind, would let my morning routine slip and stall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture inside of me where I am up early in the morning and I am moving about the house and making lots of noise and "hating" every moment of it.

commit myself to:

When and as I have a thought come up where one particular flatmate entangles me in a conversation , I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to believe this thought and influence my actions instead I recognise the thought for what it is, namely a memory-based experience that I am regurgitating, and from my mind's perspective, applying it to "suitable" situation.

When and as I am experiencing a slight feeling of guilt when I am in the same room with my flatmate who got me the room, I stop and breathe, I realise that this moral stance stems from my parents' education, and that I do not have to allow myself to be ruled by this program of "obligation". However, I furthermore realise that I must consider a point in our relationship where I can reciprocate her efforts because it is also my responsibility to keep the situation in the house amicable and also in consideration that we see each other in the same work place.

When and as I am in the kitchen and all my flatmates are in the kitchen and I want to experience a comfortable situation, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to walk out of the room but continue my routine because I realise self-diminishment is not an option because it is a memory construct, and practically speaking my schedule would be impacted if I were to stop for the sake of feeling comfortable in a tight space with other people moving about.

When and as I have a picture come up where I am making a lot of noise and I am disliking it, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is based on a memory which I have used to program myself to be "invisible" and I commit myself to allow myself to retrieve this memory in it's entirety so that I can release it through self-forgiveness.
[Continue reading...]
 
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