Thursday, September 26, 2013

Day 431 - The morning routine pt3- what's a decision got to do with it...?

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In this post I am continuing the evolution of my "morning routine" resistances. In the previous posts I have so far walked self-forgiveness on the fears. I can see how the self-forgiveness has already supported me in making a shift within myself and letting go of the fears. Then this morning while again being the first one up and moving through the house I realised that the most prominent point is not really the fear in relation to my flatmates, the fear is about me having to face every moment I am here in physical reality, orchestrated with a symphony of door squeaks, soft cupboard slams, foot steps and so forth - and within that showing myself very clearly where I am not aligned with my breathing, consistently moving from one task to the next but where I get 'lost' for moments at the time which results in backtracks and in doing things in a cumbersome way.

It reminds me of scuba diving in a sense, because when underwater one can hear only one's own breath and all the nuances of one's breath which are normally diffused in the ambient noises of the world.

So, in this moment I recalled my conversations with Bernard, and how he mentioned many times that we have to make a decision (of who we are in every moment). I then decided that I was going to use my 'dislike' about me making all these noises in the morning and the gained awareness of my actions to benefit process. I decided that this was a 'cool point' to walk because in the end it's about every movement we make that in its origin is located in the mind and the memories from which we act in physical reality.

It also became apparent, once I made this decision, that I actually have to slow down and before running around and moving about, that I must have a clue of what I was going to do.

I will keep going with the dimensions related to this point, and here are the self-commitment statements on the fear dimension.

If and when I fear making noise because I am moving about and others are still sleeping, I stop myself from evaluating the noise level and focus on my actions, I realise that it is totally alright for me to move about in a considered manner and that the noise I make by opening doors and so forth is what it is and is part of the physical reality I live in - we all live in. I commit myself to stop self-diminishing acts that are sabotage manoeuvres to keep myself enslaved in accepting that I have less value than what is here.

If and when I fear running into my flatmates in the morning and not wanting to engage in small talk, I stop and breathe, I realise that I make my choice whether I want to talk or not, and that believing that I have to talk because otherwise there are consequences then I see that I am still concerned what other people think of me and thus I need to go deeper into understanding why I lack self-value. I commit myself to stop believing that I have to talk to satisfy that others have an acceptable picture of me.

If and when I experience anxiety when I am with others, be it my flatmates, colleagues, or people I know, I stop myself and breathe and realise that I am still believing my thoughts evaluating how people respond to me instead of centering within myself, within the pivot point of my relationship with self, and see, understand, and realise that my justifications about "some topic/deadline/issue" being so important that my anxiety is justified. I commit myself to stop the anxiety that I have accepted to be between myself and others when interacting with others.

If and when I experience this point of "not having the right to be here" which is a point I experienced since I was a child, I stop and breathe, I realise that this program was accepted by me because of my interactions with my mother and that I am now self-responsible to stop this program in all its dimensions. I commit myself to establish self-value in every breath, and every moment that I am in this physical body


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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Day 430 - The morning routine pt2

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I am continuing from my previous post, still in the fear dimension.


The next morning I managed to push through my resistances and actually go through with my morning routine. I also slowed myself down as much as I could and saw some other points that are related.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am the first one up the noise I make by walking around the house will annoy my flatmates. I realise that a part of me has created fear because one of my flatmates has prefaced her dislike of noise in the bathroom because of the shared wall - and the other part of me fears that the noise I produce will disturb the others and produce backchat within them which will lead to resentment.

I forgive myself that I have created a memory from talking with my flatmate who told me about the noise of the bathroom and how it affects her and that I have allowed myself to create a fearbased on her words and thus have entered into a self-diminishing behaviour because I fear not getting along with my flatmates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory from years ago when I lived with flatmates when I was in school/university which was at times difficult when I voiced myself e.g. about the cleanliness in the house and which created resentment - and thus I have transferred this fear to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to instances of backtracking when I go through my routine in the morning, which is when I have to go repeatedly from one room to the next because I forgot something. I realise that the noise level of the corridor and me being the only one up going around the house causes me to be aware of how many times I open and close doors, so that when I forget to bring something from one room to the next, I realise that I am backtracking because I am not grounded in real-time breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my useless, backtracking movements because I am not here in the moment since in my new living environment many tools/things are stored in my room which was not the case when I was living with my partner, and because I have a resistance and backchat to having to 'assemble' my life daily in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like locking the door to my room because it makes me feel alienated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret locking my room as 'disintegration and separation', not realising that it is the best for all, given the context of the house, and not seeing that I am passing judgement  in superiority.
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Monday, September 23, 2013

Day 429 - The morning routine pt1

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I am starting a new series with a point that opened up this morning. I now share a house with other people and while it is a temporary solution, until my partner can join me, I have seen a point about my morning routines which is affecting my life adversely and causing problems in my extremely busy schedule.

Problem

The house where I live is really nice but also quiet and my flatmates don’t really move outside of their rooms much. We all do get a long well, and the atmosphere is congenial. Although I work with two of the flatmates, I hardly ever see them. I am very much alright with this because this was one of my deeper considerations before moving in here.

I have noticed in the mornings I don’t pull through my morning routine because I don’t want to go outside of my room. There is a lot of echo in the hallway of the house - it was designed as someone’s private residency. I realise that I am weary of the echo and that I default to the tendency to hide because I don’t want to be the one going out and making noise and most of all, running into others in the morning.


Solution - Self-Forgiveness

Fear dimension:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting out of my room in the morning because I don’t want to run into my flatmates and I don’ t want to make noise.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear running into my flat mates in the morning because I fear having to get involved into small talk where I can’t easily remove myself because - especially because one of my flatmates likes to talk a lot.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear running into one of my flatmates because I operate from my memory of her as someone who talks a lot and tries to hold onto theconversation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to interact first thing in the morning because I still believe that there is a difference when I am alone and when I am with others, whereby when I am alone I see myself as relaxed and when I am with others I see myself as “on” where I have to interact to connect with others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being interrupted in my routine and so I’d rather not interact with others, which affects the timing as to when I am going into the common rooms, e. g. the kitchen because I want to avoid having to do my work e.g. preparing breakfast and my lunch in a crowded space first thing in the morning.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving outside of my room in the mornings because I imagine that I am more vulnerable in the mornings and that I must protect myself from the others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my childhood memories in relation to the mornings in my parents house and that I'd rather tell myself "I can't remember".




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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Day 428 - The surprise design pt6

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I continue from my previous post.

Reaction and physical dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing the group of men standing around in the kitchen by suddenly becoming aware of my body through comparison and judging my body as inferior because i was still chewing and salad leaves were stuck in my teeth, which is what I saw as the justification to the thoughts in my mindexperiencing my body asless than when I was walking in the corridor seconds before, and reacting within myself by holding back e.g. pursing my lips together when I spoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I first entered the kitchen to have reacted to the picture of the men with experiencing an impact on my body as if I was physically hit by the picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as if my body was suddenly naked and I had to cover myself up to protect myself from the others.

If and when I react to a picture/situation/event by reacting within and through physical inferiority, I stop and breathe, and immediately correct myself by moving my body as if stretching it out so and walk through the reaction not allowing myself to give into it.
commit myself to stop allowing my body to move into the pattern of reaction to any situation and move myself accordingly to be physically here.

If and when I want to react to a situation using impact, or the equivalent of 'suddenness' I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to accept that I have to live my life being impacted by programs. I commit myself to breathe instead of experiencing impact.

If and when I react in experiencing myself "as if" I was naked and I have to cover up my body (e.g. pursing my lips), I stop and breathe, I adjust myself with movements where I stretch my body out and correct my physical stance, realigning myself with myself.
I commit myself to stop experiencing myself as naked in any situation/picture I perceive and breathe to align my body in physical reality so that I am in myself stable.
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