Today I was in the kitchen again washing my container in which I carry my lunch to work, when one of the guys from the incident that I described on day 423 of this series came into the kitchen. Now, the kitchen was full of men - junior researchers and PhD candidates and him, one of the heads of a research group in the building. I struck up a conversation with him about the university's anniversary party tomorrow. The conversation was not necessarily flowing but I was alright within myself. At some point there was a sense of awkwardness, which I recognised because I often experienced it with English people at my previous university.
I could tell that inside of me I was at the crossroads and there was a moment where I could have gone into feeling insecure about myself, so I pushed myself and stopped participating with the thoughts. Instead of falling silent as per usual, I kept talking. I was alright within myself, and the junior researchers were responding to me while the head of the research group remained awkward, looking politely to his feet.
This was a significant change from my usual behaviour in these types of situations. I realised a similar breakthrough just a few days prior to today's event. I was in a meeting and my supervisor asked me to summerise a rather complicated and theory based concept we had developed the days before. He asked me to explain it to the others in the meeting, on the spot and without preparation. I only had the sketch we had made together the day before. Again, I was able to go for it by pushing myself prior to limiting thoughts. I did not allow myself to have any doubts about it - and it worked out fine.
So, I can see that my self-imposed limitations are really only that, and that I can do the things that I need to do in any given moment when I stop my beliefs.
Back to walking the surprise design dimensions, clearly, putting in the effort to walk all of the dimensions pays off.
commitment statements on the backchat dimension:
If and when i have thoughts come up where I evaluate myself and where I judge myself negatively, I stop and breathe, I immediately stop myself with the authority of my Self and remind myself that this is automated behaviour/thinking and that there is never a reason to judge myself negatively or positively. I commit myself to stop living in polarisation and start living in breath.
If and when I can only hear my mind chatter and am inclined to believe it, I stop, breathe and say "NO" to myself and focus on my reality by clearing my physical seeing and focussing on the world around me. I commit myself to stop the mind chatter and focus on the physical reality instead.
If and when I create backchat in my head, I realise that I am taking the perspective of someone else who is judging me , I realise that this is impossible to do and so I see clearly that this is a program running - I stop and breathe, and move myself out of the backchat by simply focussing on what is here in the moment. I commit myself to reveal to myself the absurdity of the programs I allow myself to exist as, and slow myself down to stop it.
If and when I want to justify my backchat because I have reacted to the situation, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that hindsight thoughts are just as delusional as foresight thoughts or thoughts during the moment of interaction, so no matter where the thoughts appear, I just stop them in their tracks. I commit myself to stop my thoughts any time they come up, where I want to judge myself.