Thursday, September 19, 2013

Day 427 - The surprise design pt5

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Today I was in the kitchen again washing my container in which I carry my lunch to work, when one of the guys from the incident that I described on day 423 of this series came into the kitchen. Now, the kitchen was full of men - junior researchers and PhD candidates and him, one of the heads of a research group in the building. I struck up a conversation with him about the university's anniversary party tomorrow. The conversation was not necessarily flowing but I was alright within myself. At some point there was a sense of awkwardness, which I recognised because I often experienced it with English people at my previous university.

I could tell that inside of me I was at the crossroads and there was a moment where I could have gone into feeling insecure about myself, so I pushed myself and stopped participating with the thoughts. Instead of falling silent as per usual, I kept talking. I was alright within myself, and the junior researchers were responding to me while the head of the research group remained awkward, looking politely to his feet.

This was a significant change from my usual behaviour in these types of situations. I realised a similar breakthrough just a few days prior to today's event. I was in a meeting and my supervisor asked me to summerise a rather complicated and theory based concept we had developed the days before. He asked me to explain it to the others in the meeting, on the spot and without preparation. I only had the sketch we had made together the day before. Again, I was able to go for it by pushing myself prior to limiting thoughts. I did not allow myself to have any doubts about it - and it worked out fine.

So, I can see that my self-imposed limitations are really only that, and that I can do the things that I need to do in any given moment when I stop my beliefs.

Back to walking the surprise design dimensions, clearly, putting in the effort to walk all of the dimensions pays off.


commitment statements on the backchat dimension:

If and when i have thoughts come up where I evaluate myself and where I judge myself negatively, I stop and breathe, I immediately stop myself with the authority of my Self and remind myself that this is automated behaviour/thinking and that there is never a reason to judge myself negatively or positively. I commit myself to stop living in polarisation and start living in breath.

If and when I can only hear my mind chatter and am inclined to believe it, I stop, breathe and say "NO" to myself and focus on my reality by clearing my physical seeing and focussing on the world around me. I commit myself to stop the mind chatter and focus on the physical reality instead.

If and when I create backchat in my head, I realise that I am taking the perspective of someone else who is judging me , I realise that this is impossible to do and so I see clearly that this is a program running - I stop and breathe, and move myself out of the backchat by simply focussing on what is here in the moment. I commit myself to reveal to myself the absurdity of the programs I allow myself to exist as, and slow myself down to stop it.

If and when I want to justify my backchat because I have reacted to the situation, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that hindsight thoughts are just as delusional as foresight thoughts or thoughts during the moment of interaction, so no matter where the thoughts appear, I just stop them in their tracks. I commit myself to stop my thoughts any time they come up, where I want to judge myself. 
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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Day 426 - The surprise design pt4

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Here I continue with the backchat dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to believe my thoughts that are telling me that I am not presenting myself in the best light, and that I therefore need tojudge myself for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not slow myself down in the moment of running into the men standing in the kitchen so that I can hear the mind chatter and make the decision not to listen to it instead of believing it, and thus giving into the feeling of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat in my head that takes the position of the men in the kitchen from which I speak this backchat, and thus pretend to know what these men are thinking about my "unprepared" behaviour - instead of realising that I am following an illusion I have constructed from my own memory database.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only after the situation is over realise the extend to which I have given into my backchat instead of stopping it and having made the "surprise' element the excuse for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself perceive the backchat by which I judge myself as one element with my physical reaction, instead of slowing myself down and seeing that it is only through the speed of the mind that it seems as if they are one, and thus that I need to take responsibility for slowing myself down to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the backchat triggered by the surprise design that I allow myself to exist as are the collection of memories of my parents telling me how, why, what other people perceive of me and that I have not originated these statements and have adapted and adopted them for my life and thus I am the only one who can stop it.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Day 425 - The surprise design pt 3

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Here I continue from my last post with the thought dimension...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this one thought come up which is a picture of my mother and myself and she is pulling on me to fix my clothes and the way I look, rebuking me for not being presentable as her daughter, and me feeling very small and bad about myself because I experience myself as having disappointed my mother.

commitment on the thought dimension:

When and if I am in the situation where I for a moment believe that I am unprepared, I breath and realise that this is my interpretation of the situation which is my mind filtering the visuals that I perceive within my mind's eyes and that I can equally stop and perceive what is simply here in physical reality, where I stop all interpretation, take a breather and move on responding to what is here while stopping fears that want to come up and enter into physical interactions with the world.
commit to staying here in physical reality.

When and if I am in a situation where I for a moment feel surprised, I immediately bring myself into my chest area and breathe, and refocus myself on myself, not allowing myself to go anywhere else in my mind and simply focus on breathing.
commit to breathing in physical reality as my main focus.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that because of how I behaved when I turned the corner and was surprised to see everyone in the kitchen, I have now been evaluated and judged by these men and that there is no way of going back and leaving a better impression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself based on my memory my past experiences of what I look like to the other people, the men standing in the kitchen, not realising that this has nothing to do with them and is only based on my experiences and is a figment of my mind, yet I use them - or the picture of them - in the moment of surprise to generate the feelings I feel about myself and thus allow myself to sever, even momentarily, my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my imagination onto the scene until I believe it for real - and therefore allowing my mind to convince me of my own illusion that I have to feel embarrassed about myself because for a moment I believe that I was not in control because of the surprise element.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I imagined how those men were perceiving me, in the moment of surprise, and then acted or behaved from the starting point of having to improve my image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to validate, excuse and justify why I need to feel embarrassed because I have been unprepared to enter into this situation.

Commitments on the imagination dimension:

When and if I want to go into my imagination to validate an illusion that I project onto others, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to go there and stop through bringing myself here, breathing and attending the phsyical reality that is around me. I commit myself to stop using others as a canvas to project my illusions onto and to react to those illusions generating energetic charges through feelings.

When and if I believe that my image is at stake, i remind myself that this evaluation is based on my interpretation and so I stop and breathe and come back to having my feet on the ground. I commit myself to stop myself from going into my imagination when I have given in to the automated embarrassment response to a situation that I am not familiar with or that I did not expect.

When and if I believe that I can improve on my image in other's people's eyes I see, realise and understand that this point is self-referential and that my focus is on the relationship I have with myself.
I commit myself to solidifying the relationship I have with myself so that I no longer allow myself to separate myself from myself. 
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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Day 424 - The surprise design pt2

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I continue from my last post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design the surprise personality which is build on the fear that I must control my environment and cannot allow myself to just be here in the moment as the breathing body because for fear to exist the need to control must exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the surprise personality as me, as the who I am, not realising that this is not who I am but my mind, it's a program that is running and that animates me when my mind - thus I - feel threatened. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have designed myself as the surprise personality which has two components: the negative surprise, which I interpret as being caught off guard, and the positive surprise which I have interpreted as others caring for me or as other thinking about me, and/or others liking me because when an event occurs that I consider as positive then I interpret it as the "world" liking me, not realising that I have deplaced my relationship with myself by externalising it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have classified my relationships in my secret mind where I allow only certain information to be channelled to certain groups of people and if and when there is a trespassing of information going into the wrong group I react in fear, as with the surprise situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a surprise design because I fear being here in breath and stopping my programs and self-definitions. 



Commitments of the fear dimensions:

If and when I am in a surprise situation - I stop myself from reacting by immediately calling myself here into physical reality through my breath. I stop all thought about the people who are part of the situation and I stand firm. I commit myself to when I am in an unexpected situation immediately become aware and bring myself here. 

If and when I have thoughts about fear of losing my job I write myself out as soon as I can because I do not allow myself to move myself from fear. I commit myself to write myself out on the point of "fear of losing my job" and stop all fear-motivated behaviour. 

If and when I want to stay true to my pre-programmed design, I push myself to breath in awareness and slow myself down so that I can see what I need to see to respond to the situation. I stop all fear about what others may think and realise that this is purely speculation and it goes on only in my head where I do not have any real perspective of others' perception of me. I commit myself to stop creating illusions in my head about what others think of me if I do not behave according to my pre-programmed design. 

If and when I fear losing myself self-definitions I stop and breathe. I commit myself to walk each self-definiton in my process until I am free of them. 

If and when I am using control to move myself in my environment, I make myself aware and I stop, I return to breath and push myself to stay here in breath and direct myself from within my breath. I commit myself to apply myself until I am aware 24/7. 

If and when I believe that I know what other people think of me, I recall that this is an illusion and so I stop immediately believing my own illusion and solidify my relationship with my self by centering myself in my chest area. I commit myself to stop believing my illusions - thus believing my thoughts. 

If and when I realise that I believe that a situation is more or less than me, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here - I commit myself to depolarise all situations I am in or enter, and become equal to all situations and their potentials, at all times. 



Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have One thought where others respond to me with gestures of rejection like walking away and shaking their heads, which is a repetition of the memory of my father showing his disapproval of my choices, which I have used to construct my relationships with others who are in authority positions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I am in a relationship with myself I do not look to the external world for approval, and thus the moment where I allow this One thought to direct me I have stepped out of my relationship with self and have placed myself into an inferior position, where I have made the pictures I perceive of the world more important than me. 

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Day 423 - The surprise design pt1

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Two days ago I was eating lunch in passing. I was kind of walking around the lab because I did not want to sit in front of my computer and eat but also could not spend much time on taking a break. I wanted to get done eating and go back to work. We had a deadline. I was still chewing and salad leaves were stuck between my teeth as I walked to the kitchen to get some coffee. Unbeknownst to me, I walked straight into a group of men with high-end positions at my work, they were standing in the kitchen having coffee and talking. I had not formally met them yet. I was taken aback. I was surprised and some of my "insecure" mannerisms resurfaced. Interesting. I have not seen these for a while. It was just for a moment that this point of embarrassment surfaced and I remembered to breathe and stop it. So I did.

The moment stuck with me, and following this incidence I was allowing backchat such as "wow, why did this happened -  I did not see this one coming". Yesterday I listened to a Quantum Self-awareness interview from Eqafe where Sunette talks about the spider and the "surprise" personality. I then realised what happened. The effect of entering into the kitchen which I expected to be empty of people, or at least just not be stacked with heads of research groups, I reacted to the unexpected because I was not in control of the situation, it did not match up with my projection/plan of what was going to happen, i.e. empty kitchen. Because I had build up a point about these people I ran into, I then reacted with embarrassment and insecurity since I also had to speak and reveal that I was still "eating" lunch i.e. salad leaves between my teeth. 

In addition to this 'negative' surprise, the positive variant is equally 'mindful' and will be included into my self-forgiveness.

The surprise personality - here it goes....


Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught off-guard by others because then I cannot control the situation and prepare myself to respond in the for me appropriate manner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my fear of not responding in the appropriate manner, is really me being afraid of not responding as a inferior person because I realise that if these men would have been low-level researchers I would not have cared about my response to them in the same way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others who are in higher positions at my work because I fear losing my job, as I see them in the position to secure my job or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I am not prepared for a situation that I will end up losing a part of me, because I might expose myself in a way that does not fit within my self-definition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unexpected situations because I do not what to stop suppressing myself and when I am responding to unexpected situations, especially where I have vested interest, I fear that I will expose myself to myself and thus reveal the points that I am suppressing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in this particular situation that I leave a "bad" impression and that this will create a disadvantaged position for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the mind always protects itself and that if I have been surprised in the moment I entered into the kitchen means that I was not aware of my breath and thus stuck in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have committed myself firmly to stop suppressing myself and to expose my points to myself so that I can face them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow social manners to control me because I was immediately thinking about the salad leaves showing in my teeth as I was speaking, and thus I was speaking with pursed lips. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that "leaving a good impression" means I stay true to my design/program instead of breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people think because I still believe that what I think in my mind that people think of me is true/accurate and thus I still believe my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can never ever predict what people think and that whatever I project as what people think is a way to enslave myself and to produce energy through fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a surprise situation because I believe that this means that situation is more than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that positive surprises are not what I want, similar to gifts I used to get that I did not want. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot react fast enough in surprise situations and do the required thing, e.g. introduce myself to others, or as in 'positive' surprise situation show sufficient appreciation to the person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention that I am getting when I am in a surprise situation because I believe that I have to perform instead of being here in breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear surprise situations because I believe that I cannot slow myself down to see, realise and understand the situation. 


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