Thursday, September 12, 2013

Day 422 - The environmental change challenge pt7

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Looking at the situation described over the last six posts, it's clear that I was able to move myself out of unfavourable circumstances by slowing down, not allowing my thoughts to dictate my behaviour, and lastly by making a decision. Yet, I ask myself - could I have directed myself not early on and where were the instances for me to do so?

The answer is yes, I could have done so. I saw that I was fearful not having a place to move to once R told me that the room was not available on the first of the month because his flatmate's apartment that is being remodelled was not moving forward as planned. This is when I decided to opt for the dormitory even though I saw the condition of the place. Here, a decision would have been required, for me to slow down and breathe and look further instead of fearing loss and taking the next room available just to be covered and to 'extinguish' my fear.

The second instance, as I see it now, is when R demanded for me to speak grateful words. At the time I was struggling to understand whether or not he was bullying me because I remember I said to both of them I appreciate you guys being here, but that was not enough for them in showing my appreciation. I am still not sure how to look at the situation - bully or not?

Regardless, the common sense would have been to say, OK, there seems to be differences in communication and in the long run this could go either way, either we reconcile this point or not. I would like to reconcile this point but I realise that it not only depends on me and that I can make adjustments (as I did when I had an insight for what specifically I could be more thankful) but I will further investigate for another place - and make the decision to keep looking for other living options, which would have brought me to the place where I am now only much earlier with much less energy.

My commitments:

If and when I enter into a situation where I clearly see that I need to make a decision, I slow myself down and in self-honesty look at where I am at with my feelings. I then write self-forgiveness on the feelings and only then make a decision as to how I can proceed in the most effective manner.
I commit myself to follow these steps in making a decision.

If and when I am in a situation where I don't see the elements of the situation clearly, whether they are acceptable or not, I work with this situation by walking the timeline - and projecting in writing what could happen down the line and based on walking the different scenarios, I make a decision in common sense.
I commit myself to not keep myself from making decisions because I do not entirely understand the situation but I use what I have seen of the situation and project in writing a timeline, and from seeing the timeline, i engage in making a decision in common sense.


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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Day 421 - The environmental change challenge pt6

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After coming back from my hostel stay on the weekend, I made a decision to not fear any development that will take place concerning the flat but to focus, or better, to refocus on finding an alternative to living with R and F because I realised that much of what I have accepted in my interactions with both of them was based not only on my fear of not having a place to go to at the end of the month but also on fearing that if I were to cancel my arrangement with them I would have to face their wrath. The latter point emerged from the initial conversations that R had with me when he pulled me aside to tell me that he was not happy about the fact that I did not show enough gratitude for his efforts.  I can see that I had already created a memory from that and reacted in fear of a potential repetition of a similar scenario. 

On Monday morning I had a plan. I was going to go to HR at the university and see if there was not a change in the temporary housing for staff members, maybe something had opened up. I was going to check the website again with all the listings for housing in town. When I got to work that day, I remember that when I first arrived I had asked one of my colleagues if she knew of a room for rent, and she told me that there was a room available in her flat. I told her in response that I was only looking for a place for a month as I was planning to move in with R and F, and so I declined. On that Monday morning I asked her again, and made arrangements with her to come to the flat in the evening and check it out. 

From there everything changes. The same evening I went to see a fab flat - in every way. A high quality flat, well-situated, spacious, and incredibly inexpensive (with a cleaning lady who cleans the common spaces in the rent included) After I saw it, I told my colleague that I want that room. The next day I met with the landlord and signed the contract. I even got 5 days of rent gratis because the contract only starts on the 15th. Yesterday after signing I moved a large part of my stuff into my new room. I cancelled my pending room with R and F and also wrote to my landlady that I wanted to move out of the dormitory. 

So that's all that was necessary to go from a seemingly closed and messy situation to one which is best for all: The landlord told me that she was really happy that there was someone already wanting the room because she just got back from vacation, my roommates were happy because they perceive me as someone who wants to share and is easy to get on with, and of course I, as the person who was looking to move, I have now found a splendid place. 

This part of the test is over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my fears instead of staying in common sense and making the decision rather late to stop acting in fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still believe that my thoughts are benevolent and supportive when I see, realise and understand that they are not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for even one moment have believed that I have no option in my living scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted R's reproach as acceptable, where I could even see with insight where I can appreciate his efforts - but yet did not see that any accusation of this sort is actually an aggression and that it classifies as abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to determine who I am at any stage.


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Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 420 - The environmental change challenge pt5

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This weekend was marked by being the first weekend where I am away from our flat and am living in the new country with the new job, and everything new around me in every way. I met with my partner this weekend and we drove to the next border country to stay in a hostel where we would at least be able to be together comfortably in the same room. We were also checking out this town for a potential living space for us, because when we both work in the same country again, we are considering moving to the border territory because it will be much cheaper.

Many things did not work out as we had planned, and so, as travellers, we have to deal with them no matter what. For example, last night we slept in the car because we arrived too late from town, where we were able to connect to the internet and so forth. Thus, all our planning for today fell in the water because we did not leave the hostel until the afternoon, still tired from the little, uncomfortable sleep we had.

Furthermore, I met with the future landlord last week, which is the flat I am suppose to move into next month with a couple R. and F. The landlord was nice, and he also send me the original contract, which turns out to be somewhat different in what I had arranged with R. So, now I have to sit down and work out the financial details and make sure all is in written form and agreed by all parties. I see that the whole situation is quite messy at the moment and that I must create clarity first before committing myself to anything. Which means I must be able to let go of the place if I can't create clarity through agreements, which means I need to stop all fears of not having a place by the end of the month, and act from common sense, and restart my efforts to find an alternative place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be stable and the more I desire stability in my environment, the more 'unstable' elements seem to come into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create abusive situations for myself because I act from fear and thus cannot see in common sense that I have other options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a 'messy' situation with the upcoming room because the room is very good value for money and this creates fear of loss within me because I don't know whether I could get a place similar to this one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion because I am not clear on all the financial elements for this room .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather be afraid and give up my power over myself than to get over my resistance to look for an alternative place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistances to continue looking for a place to live and thus jeopardise myself of becoming stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep creating instability so that i don't have to face myself.



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Day 419 - The environmental change challenge pt4

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Here I continue on my last post - still looking into the situation of my future roommate scenario and all the programs I have activated...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate my interactions with F. because now that I have seen the similarities with her and my mother and I want to draw on mymemory to react to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to F. and then look to blame her for my reactions in that I tend to validate my backchat about her behaviour to justify my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to F. and then to create a future projection about how it will be difficult to be living in the same flat with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it will be difficult to manage the moving out point again, once I have found an appropriate place with my partner, because Ifear that F. will come with ways to communicate that I experience as drama and abusive, and that within that I anticipate reacting to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not get my deposit back because the whole situation is 'messy' and undocumented and within that I fear that if Ipresent documents that he and F have to sign there will be more drama and no agreement can be reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear that I experience every now and then about maybe not getting the room after all is due to me allowing the thought that I want to get out of the crazy dormitory situation and thus I create expectation about having the place to go to by the end of this month, which means that I am enduring the currentliving situation because I have an alternative situation to go to, and can thus overlook the craziness of the place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by defining myself based on my environment and thus when I judge my environment as negative/unacceptable then I allow myself to feel unhappy/miserable - yet, I deny these feelings by anticipating an upcoming change in my environment (that is when I move in with F. at the end of the month).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must be OK - as is - no matter what my living environment is like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up where I try to convince myself that I should not be in these living situations because I judge them as less thanme not realising that most people in the world live in subhuman conditions all of their lives and that what I am living is a temporary situation. 
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