Since I have written my previous post, I had another opportunity to meet with my future roommates. I realised that one of the points where I react to the woman F is that I perceive her to be similar to my mother. Like my mother, she has a severity about her limitations/judgements that she does not hold back and once stated she "orders" her boyfriend to share her opinion and support her in her judgements. This is a very similar scenario my mother used to "perform" with me and my dad when she wanted to make a statement about me.
I only realised this when I left the house the last time where I met them because the landlord came over to meet the two new roommates, myself and her, and she reacted to our age difference.
What is really interesting is that both living accommodations, the current one which is like a crazy student dormitory, and the next one which is the one with F. I mentioned above are tests I have given to myself. Both environments bring up points that I have a relationship with from way back when. So, in the way, I want to get my "process" straightend out - how far have I come?. Bernard talked about this quite a bit when I was at the farm. He said that we give ourselves tests to see, realise and understand if we truly have walked a point and are free of it. From this perspective much of what I am facing currently makes a lot of sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on in my head about F. where I see her as anxiety-ridden, intolerant and control-freakish not realising that the content of this backchat is also part of who I am and thus I identify myself with her ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about all the things I could have said when she judged me, but was so perplexed that I said nothing and since then I have had self-talk every so often where I play the scene over again in my mind with an alternative ending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that as long as I react to her and judge her as limited and anxious, means that I still have the same points that I have not entirely walked out from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in mental projections where my situation is resolved and am living with my partner again, which is in fact me telling myself that I don't really want to face these points.
to be continued...