Thursday, September 5, 2013

Day 418 - The environmental change challenge pt3

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Since I have written my previous post, I had another opportunity to meet with my future roommates. I realised that one of the points where I react to the woman F is that I perceive her to be similar to my mother. Like my mother, she has a severity about her limitations/judgements that she does not hold back and once stated she "orders" her boyfriend to share her opinion and support her in her judgements. This is a very similar scenario my mother used to "perform" with me and my dad when she wanted to make a statement about me.

I only realised this when I left the house the last time where I met them because the landlord came over to meet the two new roommates, myself and her, and she reacted to our age difference.
What is really interesting is that both living accommodations, the current one which is like a crazy student dormitory, and the next one which is the one with F. I mentioned above are tests I have given to myself. Both environments bring up points that I have a relationship with from way back when. So, in the way, I want to get my "process" straightend out - how far have I come?. Bernard talked about this quite a bit when I was at the farm. He said that we give ourselves tests to see, realise and understand if we truly have walked a point and are free of it. From this perspective much of what I am facing currently makes a lot of sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on in my head about F. where I see her as anxiety-ridden, intolerant and control-freakish not realising that the content of this backchat is also part of who I am and thus I identify myself with her ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about all the things I could have said when she judged me, but was so perplexed that I said nothing and since then I have had self-talk every so often where I play the scene over again in my mind with an alternative ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that as long as I react to her and judge her as limited and anxious, means that I still have the same points that I have not entirely walked out from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in mental projections where my situation is resolved and am living with my partner again, which is in fact me telling myself that I don't really want to face these points. 



to be continued...
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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Day 417 - The environmental change challenge pt2

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Here I continue from my previous post:

(Reactions)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted to the girl friend because she told me that she has a strong personality and that she requires people around her to be nice and kind, whereby I reacted to her belief in anger because I took her statement personally where I interpreted what she said as instruction or prerequisite for me to move into the shared house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as impatient about the situation where I just want things to be already done, and I am reunited and sharing a place with my partner again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance to the multiple demands emerging from the shared house, the new job and the new country because I did not realise that I had an expectation that some of these points should be easy and flowing when in reality they are not - and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my life into the future using my mind instead of living here in every moment in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted to the boy friend telling me that I was not grateful enough and too cold - because I did not know what to do or to say to him - as a response - even though I was able to find have an insight at a later stage which I was able to communicate to him and which solved the situation - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as angry against myself because I was not able to get the insight faster - in real time, as I was talking to him.

(Imaginations)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that these multiple situation: the shared house, the new job and the new country - will be stressful and because I perceive each topic as having difficult elements that I must juggle, all at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I need to dedicate myself to my work environment and within that I expect the remaining topics (shared house and new country) to be as easy as possible so that I can concentrate myself on the what I perceive to be the most important aspect of this change.

(Backchat)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the girl friend even though I see her anxieties and her self-limitations and can look at them without reactions, I still allow the backchat because I desire to have a quiet home life and I allow my own fear that I won’t have a quiet home life to interfere. 
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Day 416 - The environmental change challenge pt1

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This is the first post where I am going to write out the main points that I am encountering in the main transition phase where I am in a new country, with a new job, and several transitory living situations until I am moving into a permanent place in a few months when my partner has followed me.


The problem:

I am about to embark onto a 2nd short term shared household situation until my partner joins me in my new environment. The current one I will not be discussing. The up-coming shared household situation will last a few months whereas the current one will end in about 3 weeks.

The 2nd place I found presents a good opportunity for me (as well as my partner who comes to visit) because it is good value for money in the most expensive country in Europe. However, the main person who I communicated with to get the room, has told me that his girl friend was also moving in, which means that not three independent people are living together but he, his girl friend and myself. Tonight I am supposed to meet again and sign the contract.

There has been some friction with the couple as they helped us ( my partner and myself) in making the transition ( in terms of storing boxes in the house) to the new country. After all of this was done, the couple felt that we weren’t grateful enough to them - for example we did not apologise for arriving late, because they had to change their schedule to accommodate our arrival. I then met with both to take a moment to get to know each other.


The solution:

(Fears)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the girl friend is a troublemaker who will demand to get her way and who will be difficult to live with even if it’s just for a short while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am required to cater to the roommate situation where I must play the nice character at home and at work - and so I imagine I have no place where I can just be here without having to get into character to manage the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the girl friend is a drama queen because I have already seen how she responds to her boy friend and within that I fear having to have an additional point to cope with in addition to being at a new work place and in a new country.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not take this room I will not find another deal of this quality and will end up having to continue to live in a bare minimum state (without kitchen and proper bathroom) and that this will affect my work performance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not take this room I will have to pay an exuberant amount of money for another low quality room and will have to struggle to make ends meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I must spend time with roommates to avoid further perception of coldness - and thus that this will not allow me to dedicate my "home" time to my process.







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Sunday, September 1, 2013

Day 415 - Commitments to stop the idea of Death pt2

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Here I am stating the commitments in relation to the posts that I have written on relating to death - days 410411412, and 413.


If and when I romanticise images of death I stop myself and breathe, I realise that I have programmed myself to "give up on myself" and that I use death and representations of death to re-iterate to myself the "give up" personality, because I see myself attracted to death as a solution to my life, where I am showing myself that I do not want to take responsibility for myself but ratheraccept giving up in the form of death.

I commit myself to stop my "giving up" personality in every way, including in my relationship to death.

If and when I use death as the antidote to feeling self-pity, I stop and breathe, I stop my self-pity and take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to walking myself out of my mind and won’t stop until it’s done.

If and when I use my imagination to picture what my environment will be like when I am no longer around, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that this imagination has no relevance to my life and serves only my self-interest, in that I am looking for recognition after death where I desire to not have lived a life in vain.

I commit myself to stop my program of wanting to be recognised by others and recognise myself within my potential, which I can manifest here when i walk out of my mind and all my self-imposed limitations.

If and when I use my imagination to imagine my death and how it will occur, I see, realise and understand that I am still moving from the fear of death and this is why I am seeking to die peacefully.

I commit myself to stop my fear of death and stand equal and one to death.

If and when I believe that I cannot stop in a moment when an emotion such as anger comes up, I stop and breathe, I realise that I still believe that my life force equals emotions and that I justify my emotions - not being able to exist without emotions - is a limitation that I have accepted as me.

I commit myself to stop myself from equating emotions with ‘aliveness’ and accept that as of yet I have no access to my life force and apply myself to gain this access by walking myself out of the mind.

If and when I fear death by perpetuating my self-interest instead of doing what is best for all, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that this fear of death is irrational as it is a certainty that I will die and thus use my time on earth so that it is best for all, in all ways.

I commit myself to walk my life on earth in the principle of equality and oneness in every breath. 
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Day 414 - Commitments to stop the idea of Death pt1

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Here I am stating the commitments in relation to the posts that I have written on relating to death - days 410, 411, 412, and 413.


If and when I want to use my fear of death and/or the fact that I will die as a motivator to become LIFE, I stop and breathe and realise that I act from within the polarity of the mindconsiousness system, and stand up from within myself to stop the polarity and the belief that I require the thought/idea of death to motivate myself, to walk my self-realisation process.

I commit myself to stop thoughts that re-affirm polarity, which is exemplified by drawing motivational energies from the life-death polarity.

If and when I respond to the fear of death and/or the fact of death that I live my life in caution, I realise that the idea of “caution” is coming from the starting point of limitation and that living in relation to self-realisation takes place from the starting point of common sense.

I commit myself thus, to live my life from the starting point of common sense and access common sense by being here in every breath.


If and when I use death as threat to myself, to render myself aware of my situation and the acceptances and allowances I incorporate in my life, I stop myself and return to breath. I see, realise and understand the pattern of using death as a "parental force" - in the same way I perceived my parents’ judgement about my behaviour as threat, which I responded to by changing my behaviour because I feared punishment.

I commit myself to stand equal to death in every way.

If and when I react to pictures of death with a feeling of loss and regret with intense emotions, to grasp the finality of death, I stop and breathe and realise that these feelings are part of the “motivator” package that I have equated death with, and I let go of it.

I commit myself detect and stop all ways in how I use death to generate energy to motivate myself.

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