Thursday, August 29, 2013

Day 413 - Relating to Death pt4

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I continue to write on my relationship with death...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up the thought of death in my mind to render myself aware of the fragility of life and the urgency to walk my process, and within that I use my self-motivation to walk process in form of a goal I have set for myself, not realising that self-motivation is based on energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that death is the end of everything because I have equated life with the mind and thus I react to death from my mind, and have suppressed questions about death and considering death from other perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created attachment to process where I have created backchat in which I tell myself to be more disciplined because "I want to make the deadline to walk out of my mind in a timely fashion".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind's fear of dying to move and direct myself instead of using my breath in every moment and focussing on my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in caution, more now than ever before, because I believe that if I am cautious I can avoid dying any time soon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind where I tell myself: you really have to shape up now, every breath counts, no more acceptances and allowances - because with every day you'll have less time to get this process done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear barrier to my environment where I am responding to my environment with fear - for example in the crowded metro where I don't want to touch the buttons that are touched by everyone because I fear the germs, and their potential effect upon my health, and herewith I justify my behaviour:  I have a particular way of reacting from the physical (which I learned at the farm), and thus I believe that I must protect myself better although illnesses have been based on physically manifested reactions which are due to the use of my mind, and only partially due to the germs from the environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to pictures of death with a feeling of loss and regret, and generate within myself an emotional intensity by which I try to grasp the finality of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner dies before me and that I will have to face the emptiness and the void in my life without him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have visualised death as a place that is unfathomable to me and have therefore kept away from all that is death and dying yet I have romanticised about it, from the distance, by having associated myself with the Goth movement in rebellion to the powerlessness I experienced towards society and my life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to romanticise death because I thought if I stay closer to death than to life, I can harness the power of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that having been drawn to representations of death was my way of giving up on myself because this would allow me to hang out on the fringe of society, together with like-minded people who were like me worshipping attributes of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used representations of death to escape my self-responsibility, where I have been engulfed and consumed by the mystery of death so that I could give my life a focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have played with the idea of death because I felt sorry for myself and within the idea of death I found solace.
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Day 412 - Relating to Death pt3

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Here I continue from my last post....



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture the world after I have died, and to analyse, predict and estimate what will happen to the things, projects and people linked to me whereby I allow my mind to go into alternate reality where I seek to find validation for my life, to assure myself that I have not lived a life in vain and in that I produce a feeling of satisfaction - and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my ego as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a romantic image of death in my mind which relates to the funeral procession I saw when I was a young person, which I stumbled upon when going for a walk with my aunt in a cemetery of the town we were visiting, where I saw a dead woman laid out who looked like a bride - and I was impressed by the simplicity and serenity of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a image of me dying in a peaceful manner at the end of a fulfilled life and for holding onto this image because an astrologer once told me that I am pre-programmed to have a peaceful death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an attitude and opinion about death which I show to myself by oscillating from one polar state to the next, between dismissing death in a non-chalant manner when I am feeling healthy but when I am feeling sick, I become scared of death and dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk about my near-death experiences, when I was about to die from illness as a teenager, with pride and ego where I allow myself to believe that I know what it is like because I believe that what I have experienced constitutes for almost having been dead, but I actually blow up the experience much bigger than it was because I was unconscious for a large part and I don't remember in detail what actually happened to my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to experience certain activities before I am dying and with this desire I don't realise that it is my mind that wants to experience these activities, where I am demonstrating to myself how I have created attachment to living because I realise that the physical does not have desires, as the physical can be transformed to dust and remains what it is in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stage in my mind what my death should look like where I alternate between dying by myself and dying surrounded by people I care for because I believe that dying is a special moment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moment when I make the transition from life to death as I expect that transition to be something that I have never experienced before and that I expect the experience in itself will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the stillness of the dead body of my grandmother, where I realised that all emotions, especially anger and anxiety was in vain, and did not add anything to life, yet I don't stop myself from producing anger and anxiety - even when every dead person is showing us the same stillness and serenity of the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken the mind's energy production of emotions and feelings that animate the human body as life force, when I realise that that cannot be the life force because the life force is there whether the body is still or agitated, and thus the life force is obstructed, limited, and diminished by the mind animating the body with the alternate 'current' of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of leaving behind unfinished, disorderly projects because I have programmed myself with a belief that i must leave behind a clean slate, where all aspects of my life are taken care of so that those who have to pick up on what I leave behind can benefit from having to do so and are not burdened by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall my mother speaking with admiration of my grand-aunt who had everything organised upon her death, and thus I have programmed myself to want to do the same because I want to be recognised by my mother.
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Monday, August 26, 2013

Day 411 - Relating to Death pt2

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This is the continuation from the previous post

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I believe that when my life is ending I cease to exist whereby I do not realise that which I fear is to lose is my physical body and the physical pleasures from the perspective of the energetic highs and lows I allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death not realising that this is part of the consciousness ego trap which I sets me up to compete for my survival and to perpetuate my self-interest because without the physical body no energy can be produced for the mind, which is the executioner of the system of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death so that I keep myself alive at any cost for the entire planet, not realising that this fear of death is present in everything I consume and that not being able to consume is interpreted by my mind as a threat to my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and have therefore equated living with consumption because as long as I consume, meaning as long as I consume the physical which includes myself through the energetic production, I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and have therefore equated self-interest as "the life worth living" and have accepted this in every way in the world around me, instead of taking responsibility to investigate the result of this collective "life worth living" and made my self aware in every way of the atrocities that I as a participant in a "life worth living", have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death so that when I see pictures of war and destruction, I desire to protect myself in separation from everyone not caring about where this destruction comes from, because I believe that I do not have the capacity to understand the complexity of this world and how my actions link to the web of actions that creates the collective reality, and therefore I create a safe cocoon for myself by victimising myself in the face of pictures of destruction and war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death not realising that I am part of the cycle of abuse and suffering that takes place in every breath, and my fear of death is a way I allow myself to continue to exist as destroyer and abuser, because it is through the fear I create within myself that I avoid investigating myself to the point of absolute self-change in every breath as I use the fear of death to protect my mind
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Day 410 - Relating to Death pt1

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In the recent nights I have had dreams about death and dying. The one most vividly still here with me was me observing myself lying in bed, pale, old, white hair, eyes shut. There was an ease by which I stood by my own death, I had no drama going on in the dream, it was all peaceful. I had left.

As I write this post, I realise that I have emotions come up which have to do with the finality of death, the no-return, the leaving without revisions, no undo, no second chance. The body sucked dry, in my dream, the movement of this old woman I see was nowhere to be seen. For a moment I wonder how she moved before her death, my death, was there still élan in her movement or was she slow, frail? Did she still gesture the way I gesture today or where the gestures are worn out ? I might have had all these questions in my dream as I remember standing there pondering.

I remember also looking at her face, my face, and it was genderless, it no longer bore the feminine features that I have seen what seems to be an infinite time in the mirror, looking for confirmation that I was still me in spite of getting old.

So, there, "death" - the word bears the same core as the word "earth" - the dust-to-dust, the return to that which we are made of. Simple, why fear?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise, see and understand the simplicity of death, in that I have, in reality never been anything else but transformed dust - to flesh - and death is the return to that state of dusting off my mind and becoming part of the whole again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to see that death is never anywhere other than here with me in every moment of breath and that my denial, or conveniently forgetting about death's presence, is a cultural phenomenon because society as a whole lives in denial of death and so I have programmed myself with this "blind eye" towards death that I have accepted and allowed myself to obscure the reality of death with self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-interest is the very starting point of the mind which separates itself from death and by doing so brings death through abuse and suffering as it creates the conditions that annihilate the physical world and creates life as the living death - as is evidenced by our dying planet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live forever, not realising that this desire stems from the mind which is how I give myself permission to fear the reality of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on the definition of losing my life when I realise that what I will be losing when I die is the continuation of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make every breath count in my daily living because the afterlife is unknown to me and thus I have no understanding of how to walk process there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the fear of dying and stand equal to death so that I can die in one breath.

to be continued
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Day 409 - My belief about Death pt2

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Image: Rozelle De Lange


Here are the commitment statements for the previous post

If and when I seek the comfort of my belief about death where I reference to myself only a part of my genetic heritage to keep the illusion intact, I make myself aware of this point, I breathe and let go of the belief because I realise that this is the fear I have accepted as me that I use to construct myself as the illusion of thought. Within this point I see that my mind is holding onto the illusion because death of the physical means death of my mind which is unacceptable to the mind, I realise that I am not my mind only if I believe to be my mind. I commit myself to stop the belief that I will reach a old age and bring my awareness of who I am in every breath here to replace my belief about death.

If and when I allow myself to believe that I can go through a backdoor within a point because I have a thought that I still have enough time to "make" process as I am allowing the belief that I will reach old age to interfere with walking my process in full determination without backdoors, I stop myself by making myself aware that I am holding on to this belief which I use as justification to give myself permission to accept my mind - and I let this belief go and walk my process in total self-will. I commit myself to stop and close all backdoors which I leave open by holding on to the belief that I will die of old age.

If and when I hold on to the belief that I will die of old age I stop myself and let go through breathing, I realise that this belief exists within the polarisation of good/positive/right and bad/negative/wrong and I stop myself from defining myself within these poles and step beyond the self-definitions and exist here in breath. I commit myself to move myself out of the self-defintions in breath.

If and when I have a fear come up about death and what comes after death, which is unknown to me, I stop myself from thinking about death because the thoughts I create are fearing the unknown and so I release all thoughts and bring myself back here equal and one to my breath. I commit myself to stop the act of thinking and I won't stop until I am done.
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