Saturday, August 24, 2013

Day 408 - My belief about Death pt1

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Recently, in a conversation where I mentioned Bernard's death, I suddenly realised that I have a belief that I am not going to die young because many women in my family have been very old, some over 100 years. I recall having done some self-forgiveness on the fear of death point but I have conveniently overlooked this belief because I believe it with such certainty that I sabotaged myself to cover up my fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have belief exist within me where I firmly believe that I will reach old age because most women in my family are getting very old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my fear of death from myself by holding on to the belief that I'll get old that I don't have to deal with the fear of death now at this time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my genes are a security in relation to the time of my death because I have physical evidence based on the majority of women on my mother's side who have lived to be very old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise my father's mother died young, which clearly shows how I have polarised my belief about death by 'choosing' the more convenient belief, so the positive belief that I will get old from my mother's side of the family, instead of hanging onto the negative belief, that I will die young based on my father's side of the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying and to cover up my fear with a belief so that I don't have to face the fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when I should die young, I will not be able to finish my process to walk out of my mind and into my flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistance writing about the fear of death and my denial of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without denial my death will approach faster, which is why I hold onto the belief that I shall die of old age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at death but realise that I must deal with my fear because of Bernard having shown me that death comes unexpected even for someone who no longer used their mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my life for death because I fear the unknown that I face once I am dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk every day of my process as if it was my last day, and to postpone points because I believe that I have another day to work on them.
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Friday, August 23, 2013

Day 407 - The slippery slope of making a decision - I commit to self-change

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Right, so, in my previous post I talked about how I demonstrated to myself the absolute requirement to be here in breath, to see the incidences of how I manipulate and sabotage myself. Thus,here are the self-commitment statements.

If and when I am planning my day or when I am getting ready to go travelling, which I will be doing in the future, I first slow myself down, I do not allow myself to get ready while multitasking, I make time for packing my bag and I make concrete decisions based on common sense. If am in a situation where I don't know any details, I first inform myself sufficiently so that I can create a map of what I need based on what I found out. I check myself that I am not reacting from fear or "time greed" instead I remain practical and consider all perspectives, including myphysical body.

I commit myself to awareness when I am preparing myself to travel/go/move from one place to another.

If and when I fear losing time, or not using my time in the most efficient manner, I stop and breathe, I realise that speeding up is always a mind-game, which only I can stop. I give myself permission to just exist and look out the window and not consider existing without activity as a waste of my time.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that time is a mental construct and that I must stop my relationship to time from the point of my imagination, and remain here in breath. I commit myself to make timeline my breath - each breath, a moment in time.



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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 406 - The slippery slope of making a decision

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Today I had to travel by train to some place which is about an hour away from where I live. When I arrived in the place, I was supposed to walk for quite some time. So, I took all kinds of work with me, not at least my laptop to write my daily post for this blog. Once I arrived and walked I had no enjoyment because my bag was very heavy, loaded with all these choices I gave myself - so that "I could maximise my time". This was my thought. Then I realised this point of giving myself an option is part of not wanting to commit and make a decision about what I was going to do, and leaving myself a lot of choices was my way out from the decision and commitment. Instead, I should have made a decision of what I was going to do while travelling before I left and then stick to this decision. This apparent freedom of making a choice in the moment, of what I wanted to do while travelling, did not consider my physical body, and showed me the abuse and also the fear that is involved in what seems initially a minor point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide firmly before leaving my house how I was going to spend my time and select one activity that would not require me to carry a heavy bag.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still - in seemingly insignificant moments - evade making a decision and commit myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being efficient with my time and therefore overload myself with possibilities in how I can spent my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of time and thus want to control how I spend my time in every detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I miss out on something else if I make a decision and stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that walking breath-by-breath is me walking a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thoughts in my mind instead of deciphering what to do in common sense.


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Day 405 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt7 - commitment to change

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If and when I desire to have a good communication with my supervisor I realise that i do this because I am afraid of the consequences of not having this work to support my livelihood and thus I would have no money. I trust myself to stand as equal to my supervisor and to perform my work with integrity and diligence. I step out of the self-limiting polarised version of myself, and do not allow myself to experience myself as inferior or powerless because I realise that this the illusion of fear based on me wanting to control the situation which I realise cannot be done. I commit myself to focus on myself and stop all thoughts about my supervisor and his relationship towards me.

If and when I fear that I will not have enough time to enjoy my life and to keep up with my commitment because the work load will be heavy, I realise that these are thoughts that are coming from memory because I have been in many work situations where I had to work a lot, and now I am projecting these memories onto my
 current situation. I realise that I am using my imagination to create worry and anxiety and that I can stop it. I commit myself to stop all imagination about what this work situation is going to be like and take every moment as it arrives, I stop all memories and experiences from my previous work experiences from influencing me today and tomorrow. 

If and when I experience myself in worry about the time I will have when I am not working, I stop and breathe, I have shown to myself that when I slow down and stay here I can get a lot done and that I can manage my time effectively. I trust myself to manage my time so that which I can do the activities that I would enjoy doing. I commit myself to apply myself consistently in my activities outside of work, and learn to refine my time management to maximise my time on earth.

If and when I experience myself as heavy because I have self-definitions in relation to the work I do, I stop and breathe, I realise that I sabotage myself with these definitions, thus I let them go. I commit myself to stay here in awareness and write out my self-defintion in relation to my job and education.

If and when I doubt myself to be able to know what to do to get settled in my job, I slow myself down and do what I need to do in common sense: I get to know the facilities, virtual and real, and familiarise myself with the projects. I trust myself to slow down and see what needs to be done. I commit myself to keep slowing myself down and I stop listening to any mind chatter that tells me to move faster.

If and when I go into thinking about how I can make a good first impression, I stop and breathe, I see what I need to do to be presentable and stop all worries in one breath. I commit myself to not allow myself to worry about making a good impression.

If and when I am not standing equal to the job, be it about the way I dress myself or in any other way, I stop and breathe, I see that it’s easy for me to stop believing once I find my centre in my relationship with Self. I commit myself to stay centred within myself.

If and when I worry about what my new physical work environment looks like because I don’t know what to expect, I slow myself down and breathe, I realise that this fear, once again, is related to control and that this can be remedied by connecting with myself. I commit myself to centre myself when any fear of the “newness” comes up in my thoughts that I spin further. I commit myself to stop my expectations
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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Day 404 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt6 - commitment to change

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Sculpture by Ron Mueck


Here I continue with self-commitment statements that I started to write out in the previous post.

If and when start to worry about making a good impression in the way I present myself on my first day, or in the first months, until I have met everyone I stop and breathe, I realise that in the moment I allow worry, or a consideration to change something about myself to fit in, I allow my mind to determine who I am, instead of standing one and equal in the relationship with my self.

I commit myself to stop believing any thought that comes up in relation of making a good impression, and I conduct my interactions from within the relationship that I have with my Self where I SEE what needs to be done.

If and when I worry about being able to continue my routines when I have moved into my new environment which is still unknown at this point, I stop and breathe, I realise that I can be practical about it and make adjustments to my routines as needed, to fit in with the material and temporal aspects of the new physical reality that will surround me, I do not need to fear loss in any way which is why I worry, I breathe and make adjustments as needed - and I stop all urges to control or to justify my thoughts or beliefs that I will be disadvantaged in any way.

I commit myself to be practical at all times and realise that I am going through an adjustment period which does not mean I have to become unstable, it simply means I have to respond to a physically changing environment.

If and when I fear that my supervisor will be emotional and I have to work with his shifting moods, I stop and breathe, I realise that I set myself up to respond from a mental point of view rather than from the reality as it actually occurs, so I stop this and relocate to the physical reality and stop making up my mind about someone and what to expect based on assumptions.

I commit myself to stop myself from going into my mind and analysing who my supervisor is a person so that I can be prepared to relate to him by protecting myself - instead I breathe and reconnect with myself so that I can take responsibility for the moment - and can respond to the situation at hand with what is needed by being whole and comfortable within myself.

I commit myself to shift my awareness when interacting with my supervisor to me and - at all times- approach situations from within myself, I actively stop myself from judging and analysing the words that he utters and focus entirely and completely on my Self as the living principle of what is best for all, and give as I would like to receive.

If and when I have fear coming up about my changing environment which I use as a point to stall my organisation of the upcoming move, I stop and breathe - in this moment, I commit myself to stop going into my mind and use the physical change of environment as justification that I cannot be organised, I stop myself from allowing my "want" to define me and determine who I am and I use my Self -Will to organise this move in the most efficient and practical manner.

If and when I want to be positive about this job representing a new beginning, I stop and breathe, I realise that accepting something as positive is part of the polarisation that I allow myself to exist as, and that perpetuates expectation, winning and losingfeeling good, feeling bad - and most of all clouds the reality that surrounds me and how I fuck myself up in my relationships because of what I will allow and accept to justify my positive outlook of this "new beginning".

I commit myself to stop judging this new work situation as "anything", I focus on my relationship with myself and who I am in what i do - so that I train myself to consistently stay here in my tasks and do what needs to be done as I SEE it in awareness


If and when I worry about my partner's life when I am no longer physically with him on a day-by-day basis I stop and breathe, I realise that this is what I have been taught a woman should do, and so I allow my memory to interfere with my life. I realise that I trust myself to be able to respond to my partner when he addresses me with any concern, and I trust in my agreement that he will communicate what is necessary so that I can be of assistance to him as required in physical reality. 
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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Day 403 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt5 - commitment to change

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If and when I fear someone new joining the lab I stop and breathe, I realise that this fear is the habitual competitive thinking that I engage in because I believe that I will experience loss which will diminish my survival and my ability to maintain myself in this world.

I realise that when I allow the thoughts of fear to be real because I believe my fears, I create a separation between myself and others, which prompts me to make decisions in self-interest and not make decisions that are best for all.

I commit myself to stop my fear of survival in the context of my work situation and stand absolute as breath, as self-conduct breath-by-breath, right from the beginning of this new work situation and all relationships that come from it.

If and when I project how the lab should be run and what activities should be implemented, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is the intention of my mind based on my experience of having been in a lab where things could have been handled better - and where I investigated how it could be done better, but instead of projecting how it can be better which is always done in self-interest, I stop and breathe, and commit myself to lead by example which means I respond to each situation that I will encounter practically and with common sense, through hands-on activities and I stop creating mental projections that are disconnected from my shared reality.

I commit myself to every morning when I go to work, clear my starting point and begin my work day in breath so that I can lead by example where I am the directive principle to conduct my affairs in the lab in such a way that they are best for all.

If and when I want to be positive about creating good relationships within my new work environment, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am allowing my mind to determine my behaviour where I compromise myself as breath because I want and desire for things to work out, working from a ego defintion of what constitutes a good working relationship which is when I get what I want and when I feel good about myself.

I realise that this is a mindfuck where I set myself up to control my environment and my relationships because I operate from fear.

I commit myself to stop all intentions related to this job and work from what is here in every moment of breath, where I bring myself back, time and again, to the place of breath - to approach every situation I encounter holistically from my relationship with Self. 
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Day 402 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt4

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...and I continue on from the previous post

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the first day at work because I believe that I need to make a good impression in my new work environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry will help me make a good impression where I allow myself to believe that the way I am - as is - is not good enough and that I need to improve something about 'me' before I start in my new work environment. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to worry about whether or not I can continue my routines when I have moved because I don't know what to expect what my daily living will be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already sussed out my supervisor and because I have seen that he is quite emotional, I imagine that I will need to be prepared for a roller coaster engagement because I draw on my memory where I react to the mood swings of others and I have used these reactions to program myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still accept thoughts that others around me constitute the source in how I feel about myself even though I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for myself at all times and that no one's mood swing have anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anxiety because I have never seen the physical environment of the lab and because I fear that I won't be prepared well enough with the move and my organisation to maximise myself in my new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change of environment and this is the reason I allow to exist for stalling the organisation of my belongings and physically moving myself there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sick and keep perpetuating the illness when i am actually very busy with preparations for the move and this illness is making it difficult for me to prepare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "every beginning has to be difficult" which is a phrase my father used to repeat to me, and which I realise is a way to justify my anxiety and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that a shift in my environment must be reflected with a shift within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have some positive excitement about the idea of a new beginning in a new job and finally having good money coming my way because I have thought my current life to be boring and dull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver inside of me whether to be more personal with my supervisor or more distant, and thus I give off mixed signals in how I allow myself to establish a relationship with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see clearly what I need to pack for the first part of the move and what I should leave for the later part of the move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the moving endeavour complicated, instead of staying practical and using common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my partner's well-being when I am no longer all of the time in his physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my partner being able to take care of himself and the apartment when I am not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the unknown that will become known in a few days because I worry not being well-prepared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry at all because I realise that I fear not having control over the situation, and all the elements and people involved with it.
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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Day 401 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt3

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Still more to go ... here I continue working on this point which I started on day 399

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a good working relationship with my supervisor, and that this motivates me to try harder in my communication, which means that I compute faster in my mind the optimal answers I can give to him, and to filter that which I cannot say to him based on my beliefs, and based on the picture I have of myself instead of speaking from the practical real-time reality and make sure that which I say is centred on the work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to work a lot to make my way in my new environment and that this will interfere with my time I have for the group, whereby I realise that this fear is based on me not being efficient in how I apply myself and therefore I do not trust myself to keep the commitments I have made to myself and to others.

I forgive myself that I have a belief come up when I consider that there will be a lot of work, where I remember I was told by my father that to do something right cannot be done by "dancing at two weddings"- in other words, I must chose where I participate because otherwise I spread myself to thinly - whereby I realise that this is my accepted limitation because rather than looking at the reality when I am in it, with this belief I plan to be limited without even having a relevant basis what my work schedule will be like when I start working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must adjust myself to my new working environment and relationships instead of realising that I can approach the situation as a self in relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance to writing self-forgiveness on this point because I believe that I am fine and that I desire to rely on my optimism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know what I need to do first when I arrive there at the university, and that I feel overwhelmed and so I fear that from this state I will make 'bad' decisions
[Continue reading...]
 
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