Saturday, August 17, 2013

Day 400 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt2

- 0 comments



Here I continue from the previous post:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made up my mind about how I will support the lab instead of arriving there and then assessing the situation with my lab mates and also with my supervisor in real-time - and even though I believe that I have everyone’s best interest in mind I do not and cannot possibly contribute to a situation that is best for all when I use my imagination because my imagination is based on the picture I project into the world from a self-interest starting point and not on physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my thoughts where I am projecting and constructing how I will apply myself in my new environment, in that I have told myself that I will not make the same mistakes that I have identified in my previous research environment, and by intending to ‘operate’ in this way, I create a polar opposite situation shifting from one end to the opposite end in the spectrum of my behaviour and personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with a positive outlook because now with this new position I have gotten what I wanted and so I will now use my mind to create a new relationship with the people and the environment instead of realising that I can build a relationship breath-by-breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not produce enough valuable research within the next 24 months and that this will cause problems in my career, and by creating this fear within myself I will also justify to myself why I need to act in a well-considered manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to find collaborators in other universities, and thus will not have a future research environment to work in and cannot construct a international reputation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that I will - when my contract is over - find another, better university where I can continue to climb to the top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I have already set up a mind relationship with my supervisor and that I can no longer change it, and if I were to change it, it may have repercussions with my supervisor who has already seen who I am in my mind and expects me to behave in this manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I must behave differently in my new environment and that this will cause my self-realisation process to stall. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Day 399 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt1

- 0 comments


My new position will start in a few days. I heard that there might be someone else coming to join our team, and this person will be in the same position, with the same title, as me. When I heard this and because it was announced by my boss, I reacted in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear about the composition of the lab even before I have started my job, whereby I see, realise and understand that this is merely the illusion I allow myself to exist as, and where I allow myself to accept my default to create separation from others because I want to protect my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceptualise, intellectualise and mentalise my future work place where I enter into competitive thinking and where others become a threat to me based on the mental idea of what their person represents to me in my work environment, which has no physical equivalent because roles we play in our job are part of this economic system so that we can get paid accordingly - and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this reaction of fear as me instead of breathing through the moment, and realising that what I am reacting to is what I have been taught and that I decide to not let this "thinking" define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and my abilities and that when someone else enters into the my realm of work, within the same hierarchy as me, I automatically accept that there is a chance that this person knows more than me, is better than me, in the production of work results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival which I showed to myself in the moment where I reacted in fear about the news that someone else, who will be on the same level as me within the work situation, potentially joins our team.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up with the starting point of fear within my new work situation instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I can will myself to a starting point in breath, in what is best for all, if I stop judging the people in my environment from the memory of my previous environments and interact with others face-value and from what is here in physical reality - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to create reasons why I need to fear my work place and the people in it because I have a preconceived idea of what it means to work with others in a public work setting. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 398 Death is my wake-up call pt2

- 0 comments



Here I follow up from the previous post....


If and when I doubt myself that I am too limited to walk myself out of my mind, I recall that Bernard stressed that mindless living is to return to simplicity, and thus I centre my body physically and breathe.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that this process that I am walking with everyone else in the group is in form and content simplistic, it does not require me to know or study, I only have to slow myself down and stop my reactions.

If and when I fall back into my memory where I want Bernard to be present and where I allow myself to experience his physical non-presence as loss, I stop and breathe, I realise that this IS my mind and is me wanting to let go of my responsibility that only I can walk my own process.
I commit myself to walking my process no matter what happens in the world around me, i am fully committed to support myself and others to walk out of my mind.

If and when I fear that there is no one in the group who can speak with the mindless authority of Bernard, and that there is in other words no checks and balances, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that self-honesty is the only guide that is needed for me and if there is an event in the group I realise that that I can approach it from the point of self-honesty. I commit myself to self-honesty and let self-honesty be a guide.

If and when I use Bernard's death as a justification to not engage myself in my process and to allow excuses to run my life, I stop and breathe, I realise that consistency is most important for my process and I realise that give as you would like to receive is the principle we stand by - thus will not again let excuses and justifications allow to hold me back. I commit myself to consistency and to pushing myself through the resistances.

If and when I desire for Bernard to be here to support me, I stop and adjust myself physically and breathe, I stop this desire as it is like any desire my ego wanting to be stroked in that I want to victimise myself as helpless. I commit myself to stop all self-victimisation in relation to my process.

If and when I fear that process is going to be harder now because Bernard is no longer around to remove systems, I stop and breathe and adjust myself physically I realise that Bernard cleaned up existence with his death, and this constitutes a new starting point where we truly only have be concerned with us. I commit myself to cease the opportunity to create myself as life.



[Continue reading...]

Day 397 - Death is my wake-up call pt1

- 0 comments



In this post I am writing out my fears concerning the current changes of the composition of our group. Bernard is dead, our process continues. My mind probes me with thoughts and emotions and although relatively stable, there is fear in not having anyone take his place. In theory I am aware of us having to carry each our own responsibility to move ahead as a group and in ourindividual processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have periods of self-distrust come up and believe the thought that I am not enough to support others and myself effectively so that the group walks process on the same level as when Bernard was still alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process is dependent on Bernard because I have given Bernard a place in process that constitutes the all-seeing eye, which I relied upon to bring about the next step to implement as a group where all I had to do is follow along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process is going to be harder now because there is no one around to remove systems, and that without the removal of systems I am not able to climb out of my mind and walk into life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and cry instead of pushing myself to be stable, breathing, and applying myself in my daily life and in my Destonian applications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Bernie's death to now neglect my other responsibilities that are of paramount importance as I am preparing the move to another country and start my new job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have regret coming up where I see that I could have applied myself more while Bernie was still alive, and I use those moments now to to justify my tears and experience of loss instead realising that in this moment I can decide to push myself more in walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 3 weeks I spent with Bernie were not enough and that want more time with him where it's all about me wanting to consume his presence, so that I have the security that I am doing OK and moving ahead with process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to give into my selfish mind, and even use Bernard's death as justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is no one in the group who has the same authority, to make decisions that are free of ego, and that this will cause problems in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself even Bernard said to me "you'll get there - I am not concerned about you" because in my mind I want to be reassured this statement when I go back to the farm next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never considered walking process as if Bernard is not there, thus I have never taken absolute responsibility because part of me has made Bernard responsible for providing the deeper insights and realisations about this world and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disconnected from the farm instead of realising that the Bernard's death affects all of us equally. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 396 - A room with a view pt2

- 0 comments



In my last post I wrote about approaching my room search from the memories of having moved a lot in my life, and having grown weary because many of the experiences I have had with rentalliving have been negative. Meanwhile there have been some developments and I have found two places, one for the first month and the other for the remaining months until I move together with my partner into a 'real' apartment. I realise that what is coming is a big change and I must continue to stand strong on this point.


Commitment statements from the previous post:

I commit myself to not let this transition period become an excuse for me to fall back on my memories and fear what I may encounter with changing living situation.

If and when I want to go into my memory and anticipate the worst case scenario, I stop and breathe, I commit myself to take the situation fresh - from here - in how it presents itself and look at all aspects in common sense.

If and when I hesitate about what to do next and how to manage all the logistics of my move, I stop and breathe, I realise that there is always a common sense practical solution and I can get to that solution if I stay here breathing.

I commit myself to breathe through the problems and approach each problem one step and one breath at the time.

If and and when I allow myself to go into anxiety, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a cool indicator for me to see that I have lost touch with reality and I just bring myself back and continue. 


I commit myself to continuously bring myself back and do not participate in the scenes that unfold in my head all having to do with moving house.

----

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for a moment, worry about things I can and cannot do in my new environment, that I have habitually done in my current home, I stop myself and realise that I am spinning these thoughts in my mind and that I actually cannot know how they play out in physical reality and therefore I will not participate in an imaginary planning effort when I do not have a the full reality of the place and if and when I have the full reality of the place I'll be sure to physically map out my activities.

If and when I start to fret about losing access to this or that activity that I do habitually, i stop and breathe, I realise that I trap myself and thus will not engage myself in planning activities of my daily life until I have a concrete idea of the place and do not rely on my imagination.  
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Day 395 - A room with a view pt1

- 0 comments



I have been looking to rent a room in another country before I take the step of getting a nice apartment and settling down with my personal effects. A few days ago, it looked like I was not going to find anything anytime soon and the date where I am suppose to start working is approaching fast. Then again, I looked at what I had already researched, the people I had spoken with, and decided to 'just accept' that which has come up so far, even if it did not sound ideal. It's only going to be for a few month anyway, and I have not even seen these rooms yet. Once I became more flexible in my approach, I suddenly had three options. Today I am going to drive there and check them out. While I was able to avert and limit the consequences in this instance, initially I still had to make things more complex than they have to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I want to satisfy the picture I have in my mind because I fear that if I don't satisfy the picture I will have to suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the suffering i fear is what I have stored in my memory, and that unless I stop myself from drawing on my memory I cannot make decisions that are based on common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been unclear about the priority of my criteria because I evaluated the potential rooms based on my memory and not on a clear decision of what is most important to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to draw on all the points of my experiences about living in apartments, rooms, houses and want only the best for myself based on this experiences not realising that this is an ideal and that I try to match reality to this ideal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that experience still requires common sense and a systematic approach, otherwise I allow imagination to run my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that many times when I suffered bad living spaces in the past it's because I was an emotional situation and that is what drove my choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have stopped myself earlier from making the situation complicated by not being clear on the priorities of my search criteria and by being purely practical without attachment to memories from previous, similar situations.



[Continue reading...]
 
Copyright © . Is life possible without the mind? - Posts · Comments
Theme Template by BTDesigner · Powered by Blogger