Friday, August 9, 2013

Day 394 ...but I must move

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In this post I will further investigate the feeling of being unsettled that I have looked at in my previous post.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance towards this point of feeling unsettled and experiencing the urge to want to physical move to “solve” a situation in which I experience myself as anxious or frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to physically move in an automated manner following the instructions of my mind which are based on either ‘escaping’ the situation or being excessively compliant with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I have ‘no option’ in the situation which triggers the physical over reaction and automated physical movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought of ‘no option’ to which I react immediately with high energy and where I give myself permission to draw a blank so that I cannot even consider other solutions to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to even now while I am writing this self-forgiveness move my legs with the urge of wanting to get up and stop writing and that I allow myself to battle with myself, instead of making a decision that my mind has no dominion over me and that I sit here and write until I am done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother in total panic where I remember a lot of running around and movement, and I was very small, and that this high energy that I experienced with my mother, I experience with her many times later on, where I got used to being ‘alarmed’ by my mother and having to move according to her instruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother when she was charged with emotions and I was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy within myself because I experienced her emotional state as aggressive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken full responsibility for what i experienced during my childhood but have more often than not excused myself by blaming my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the compulsive moving I experience is the polar opposite to having to be still and immovable in the house of my parents, throughout my life as a child and teenager.
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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Day 393 - Paranoia about choice or looking for safety in unsettledness pt1

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Problem:

I have been sick in the past couple of days with a heavy respiratory infection, making my breathing difficult, my nose stuffy, and I end up coughing hard. Yesterday I spent an entire day in bed mainly watching episodes online.

During my stay in bed one point kept coming up. I was worried about spending time watching TV, and not being productive. I have already looked into this pre-programed behaviour of "shoulds" that I live, but I have obviously not seen all the dimensions.

Clearly, my starting point was in the mind and not in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I could do in this moment which was not more than just lie there, I tried to convince myself to do something else that was more useful, more productive. This part of the problem is relatively clear, I am merely reinacting my parents.

The second part is that I have a belief that activities have to be evaluated from their effectiveness in how the shape my life. Watching episodes online had no further merit than to enjoy myself, ease the physical discomfort and allow my body to heal.

A third aspect I see in this is that I have not seen in my previous investigations with this point my preoccupation with feeling this unsettledness in the moment of an activity. This is what I will focus on in my self-forgiveness.

The solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unsettled and fugacious, because I do not trust myself when making moment-to-moment decisions in how I manage my time and activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to make a decision in how I apply myself with the time I have, when I step outside my pre-planned schedule, because I don't want to be 100% committed and no longer have other options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be settled within myself within all activities I do because I fear that in some way my choice will lead to failureand loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to what whatever it is that I have chosen to do, in each moment, even when that means that it wasn't the bestchoice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise self-trust does not require a relationship where I have to evaluate to trust myself or not based on some external factors, the whys, hows, and whats of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making choices because I believe that once a choice is made there is no turning back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself because I live trust in reverse where I trust the external world and not my Self, and therefore I need to be able to retract or withdraw because I cannot see all dimension of an external entity that I trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from myself, from experiencing who I am, profoundly and entirely  -  rather the experience is superficial and fugacious, because I see that in my mind I am already evaluating parallel choices to the choice I've made, so that I can compare how the alternative choice would have panned out, not realising that I cannot grasp the extend of real-world interactions with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being unsettled in my daily living is causing me to exit in self-doubt.
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Sunday, August 4, 2013

Day 392 - The great wall of ego pt2

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In this post I am stating my self-correction on the self-forgiveness that I wrote a few posts back on "the great wall of ego"

If and when I allow myself to expect others, especially those who I have 'tagged' as important to my world, to give to me what I would like to receive within my interactions with them, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have accepted the reversal of "give as you would like to receive" which is "receive as you would like to give" - I simply stop and breathe, I de-personalise my interactions by stopping all memories I have created with the persons and commit myself to interact from the starting point to give as I would like to receive, I do not allow myself to listen to what comes up in my mind.

If and when I trap myself to care how others present themselves to me, I stop and breathe, I realise when I do so that my starting point for the interaction is located outside of me, where I have become reactive instead of self-directive. I stop and breathe, I commit myself to, in this moment, hold myself still, breathe, adjust my physical body and then relocated my starting point inside of me and direct myself in breath.

If and when I experience myself with resistance during my interaction with others, i stop and breathe, I realise that in those moments I utilise my mind and become reactive in my responses. If I cannot let go of the resistance in the moment, and I move myself away from others and find a quiet spot to speak self-forgiveness. This is a temporary measure until I can stop myself in the moment. I commit myself to only use this approach in the moments where I cannot stop myself at all and spiral into reactive patterns.

If and when I accept righteousness and judgements to direct my interactions, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that stepping out of these patterns is done through developing humility. I commit myself to redefine the word humility and live the redefinition. 
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