Saturday, August 3, 2013

Day 391 - "you have been tagged..." in my album of mental pictures - walking self-correction

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In this post I follow up on the self-forgiveness I wrote in my previous post, day 390.

If and when I allow myself to exist in polarisation where I allow myself to create a starting point in my interactions with others based on beliefs that I have formed from memories and interactions, I stop and breathe, I stop this allowance in one breath because I realise that this act is the consequence of having created myself in separation of the world, where I have used beliefs to define myself, and so to perpetuated these beliefs I need to define others to fit in my polarised perception of the world. I commit myself to create a starting point of interacting with others where I consider what is best for all from within the interaction and not my mind by using my breath to direct myself.

If and when I justify the belief that I need to have a picture of myself and others to act in the world, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that accepting the justification as real is giving permission to my mind as guide and not directing myself in breath. I commit myself to stop accepting my mind as real and discard the justification, I do not believe the thought.

If and when want to recreate the relationship between mental pictures and memories stored within these pictures, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that the safety I perceive through having apparently control over my world is an illusion,  where I have misplaced trust by not trusting myself as the breathing entity in physical reality, instead I trust in the mind and in the picture my mind produces. I commit myself to trust myself in assessing my reality breath-by-breath in common sense and realise that safety and control are ideas which I allow to exist within me to be able to create fear (when I experience loss of control) as a resource for energy production.


If and when I want to place memories above physical reality I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to create a mental superiority within me from which I act. I commit myself to stop being directed by my mind and direct myself in physical reality.

If and when I want to justify that I must record my interactions with others as memories so that I can tag these memories as reference points for the following interactions I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop holding onto the past and bring myself to living here in each moment of breath.

If and when I see how I have enslaved myself using memories within pictures to define myself and others, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to create an energetic charge I apply myself breath-by-breath. I am committed to free myself by stopping my mind through stopping my addiction to energy.

If and when I want to continue the split-existance, splitting myself from the physical reality by accepting that I must define myself within a picture and that I must behave from how I judged the world through polarised memories I stop and breathe, I commit to unite myself in equality and oneness.

If and when I allow backchat come up because I believe that staying breath and not allowing myself to access memories is difficult, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am trapping myself with this belief to justify not pulling through in the moment of when I am interacting with others, where I allow myself to fall back on established behaviour patterns. I commit myself to eradicated all evaluation of my perception.

If and when I imagine that my relationships will fall apart when I stop myself from interacting with others in my habitual manner of first accessing memories and judgement, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have fallen for my mind's imagination and the illusion that I am capable of producing - I commit myself to move past this point by recognising the mind for what it is.

If and when I try to imagine what comes after my pictures are gone and I only stay here in breath, which is how I create anxiety and fear inside of me by going into my imagination, I stop and breathe, I realise that knowing what it will be like entails the mind's starting point,  and thus I have created a closed loop because I want  "to know". I commit myself to trust myself and "breathe to be".

If and when I conjure up ideas where I allow myself to estimate, imagine, understand and comprehend what comes after the pictures and a existence that constantly references the past in form of memories, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am still allowing my mind to protect itself. I commit myself to stop myself from accepting this protection to be useful, and realise that I miss opportunities of transformation if I continue to find justifications and stop myself in the moment where real change can occur.



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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Day 390 - "you have been tagged..." in my album of mental pictures

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This post is about the realisation that I create mental pictures of the people I interact with. In these picture I store all memories of the interactions, and these memories are judged and classified into “positive” or “negative” categories (or energies) - what I like and don’t like about the person. This presents a reference point for me to interact with the being in real-time as he or she is standing in front of me. Alternatively, I use this reference point when I consider the person in my mind. Depending on the classified memories (or energetic charges), which category dominates the overall scope of the memories, I make decisions on what kind of behaviour I will use during my interaction with the person. Or else, if the person is absent I will make decisions in my mindhow I will interact with the person when I will be in their physical presence.

This program makes itself explicit with a system error which occurs when there is not enough polarisation in either category. Then a sort of struggle sets in because in my mind I am unclear how to approach the person, because behaviour is physical and needs a definite structure, the struggle ensues about the decision I need to make of what kind of behaviour to choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is necessary for me to store memories about others in my mind, so that I can use these memories to exist in polarisation within my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a picture of myself to which I live up to, as I have a picture of others to which I tailor my behaviour because not having any pictures for self and others indicates that I no longer need my mind and this creates fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a picture of self and others which I use for my interactions with the world to experience myself as safe and in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that memories are accurate and that they can guide me in my interactions beyond what I see, hear, smell, and touch in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must keep taps on what I have experienced with each person which I store in form of memories so that I can justify how I behave in their presence or how I think about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger about having to have a picture of others with attached memories because I realise that I have enslaved myself and I am not free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I believe that I cannot change this situation and that I am doomed to this program no matter what I do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having split myself up in multiple ways:


1. in the picture I have of myself which I aim to make come alive by searching, focussing and perceiving my physical reality, like a search engine, to locate possible matches between the picture (my desires, wants and needs) and what I can appropriate and use from physical reality to make the picture real.

2. in the pictures I collect of others which is where I store shared memories and neatly organise my friendships and others accordingly, to determine how close I want to be with each person, whereby I am disconnected from the person in reality, because my connection is established with the memory and not the real person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entangle my life in a web of memories which has become my life because I do not allowed myself to see the truth of my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have no memories to go by in my interactions with others I endanger my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must interact from my memories when interacting with people I have already met because if I don’t I can’t measure myself against others, and I won’t know how I should feel about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to store memories of my interactions with others because I believe in the accuracy of the memory and I further believe that this puts me in the position where I can ensure that my interactions go smoothly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from allowing the memories to determine my interactions because I have judged the memories as good / bad, positive / negative, right /wrong and I have created an automatic access point which each memory which acts like a domino effect which triggers my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up where I am overwhelmed in stopping all access to memories when I am interacting with others because I believe that this is very difficult to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience defeat when realising that stopping my mind means stopping myself from accessing the memories of self and all others I have interacted with in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on stopping to access my memories in my interactions and when being with myself because I believe that I cannot exist without definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a dizziness when I no longer draw on my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a pain in my wrist as I write this blog post because I do not want to let go of accessing the established memories I carry within me of myself and others, but it's really about me not wanting to let go of the picture I have of myself because I realise that the picture I have of myself determines how I judge others and classifies the memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the memories and the picture I have of myself because I will no longer know who I am - since my life is based on how I have defined myself within my interactions with others and the world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my world will fall apart if I no longer use my memories to define the picture I have of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and worry about who I will be if I imagine myself to loose all bridges to my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having a choice to feel comfortable or uncomfortable within myself because if I no longer reference memories that I have about myself and others, I then can no longer trigger feelings on how I feel about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be bored with myself when I can no longer oscillate between feeling good and bad about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of the pictures that exist within me because I fear not knowing what comes after the pictures are gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up when I imagine that I no longer have pictures of myself and others exist within me, whereby I fear experiencing my body differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up the energy of feeling 'bad' within myself where I physically feel as if my solar plexus is burning me from the inside out and I experience a heat sensation running from my chest down to my solar plexus area, because I have identified this physical feeling as a confirmation that I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to believe that when my body suffers with self-inflicted pain, I can believe that I am alive and that I am getting closer to the true meaning of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of the pictures I have of myself and others nothing will matter to me any more and I will be like a zombie walking around in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my ideas - that stem from my mind that protects itself - about what it will be like if I no longer act from the reference points of pictures and the encapsulated energies in form of judgements (good/bad, positive/negative, right/wrong) and interact with the world 100% connected with the physical reality that surrounds me guided by my in- and out-breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will separate myself from others when I no longer access the pictures I have of myself and others, because others will still function from the pictures that they have of themselves and others, and I will be the odd one out. 
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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Day 389 - Life on the fringe - meeting Francine

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Since I have come back from the farm, I have decided to walk through the points of my life where I am holding back from exposing to myself to myself and others, where I don’t want to own up to the relationships with people and places that I have encountered and that I have used to create myself. I want to keep them to myself, I want to protect myself. Over the course of my life, I became an expert of moving in different circles with entirely different sets of people and keeping it all separate.

I have touched up this point of separation in previous posts and this time I want to go deeper by opening up the memories. I want to see clearly what motivated me to shape my life in this manner. So, whatever comes up in the moment is what I will write about.

The first post will be on Francine. Francine was a person with a male-to-female sex change living in San Francisco at the time when I was living there too. She died many years ago, so I was told. She would dress in a short mini-skirt with her distinct blonde beehive and her little dog - I forgot the dog’s name. She always wore high heels. She managed to pick just the right colours,fabrics and heels so that she did not look too tacky, although she had an air of drag queen about her, it was quite subtle. It was more that she looked like a woman from another time, maybe the 60’s because her disguise was done tastefully. She had more tits than I and besides her deep voice, her male body was successfully transformed into a woman’s body. Whenever I saw Francine floating around town, mostly in a few districts where I circulated as well, she was accompanied by one of her pretty boys. Usually a boy, a woman in the making - someone who really wanted to undergo a male to female sex change and was looking to Francine to finance it. I can’t say if there always was an exchange of favors/services, Francine was generous.

When I first came to the city, I had no job and no money, I was fresh off the boat. It did not bother me because I had friends and was quite unencumbered since I was far away from any parental influence and at this meant more to me than money. It was the time before I became a student in a local art school and my life turned more serious and structured. In those exploratory days however, I worked in predominantly in cafes to make money to pay the rent. I only ever worked in one restaurant, it was called the “Rathskeller” and served German food. It was a very big place and created in the spirit of the German stereotype, consistent of Bavarian blue-white carré shapes with rustic wooden tables, chairs and animal trophies on the wall. These days, the “Rathskeller” has been superseded by more designerly and hip German restaurants in town.

Francine owned eight bars in the city and during the afternoon she would journey from bar to bar to ensure that the preparations for the night were in order and that her employees were doing what they were payed for. At the end of the night, she would repeat the same tour to collect the money from the sales of alcoholic drinks. Of the eight bars she owned several were located in the heart of the “Tenderloin” which is a seedy district in the center of town where those who move on the margin of society ‘exist’.

When I met Francine I had just arrived in the city. I was working a lunch shift at the Rathskeller and one day she came to the restaurant. She was sitting on the counter together with her boy drinking a cocktail. I remember she said something about how pretty I was and this made it easy for me to talk with her because I felt already accepted since I was not the sort of person who would strike up a conversation. San Francisco was the right place for me. I was fascinated by all that was not traditional and conventional - I sought out the marginal, the hidden, the extreme, the mysteries - and mostly I was fascinated by life styles that were unacceptable by those who had raised me.

Francine was friendly and I was very young and bright-eyed. I appreciated that she allowed me into her world although I felt I knew nothing about it, her people or her daily routine. Perhaps it was the fact that I was European and that was marginal enough for her to let me in, although there were lots of Europeans in town. From the moment I met Francine, the best part of working the afternoons at the restaurant was when she would stop by to have drink and chat with me. Over time we became close. As time progressed the restaurant’s turnover diminished and it became increasingly apparent that afternoons were no longer an option to keep the restaurant open. Francine saw what was happening, I might have told her as well that I suspected to be told to leave. In any case, one day she came by and invited me to one of her bars. We were going to the Black Rose in the Tenderloin.

I don’t recall whether she picked me up or if I met her somewhere. I do remember dressing up to match the ‘girls’ in the bar, I knew I was going to be surrounded by male-to-female sex changesat all stages of becoming a woman, and I knew I could impress them by the way I presented myself, where I could play off my taste and physical assets. I enjoyed this because I could dress as extravagant as I wanted to and it would be appreciated.

To be continued...this is how far I will take it for today in telling the story. The self-forgiveness follows:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance towards exposing unconventional aspects of my past, as with this memory when I met Francine and made friends with several m2f persons because I experience this part of my life as precious and belonging to me, where I feel that I must protect this part of me, to keep my self-definition untouched, so that whenever I go back into the memories I can feel good about myself of having had these experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought out the fringes of the society because I did not accept the world and did not accept myself, because I experienced the environment I grew up in as too small-minded and too inhibiting for me, and with too many constraints, and by seeking out those who were living and existing in polar opposite I sought to find a place where I belong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created this mental space I can go into any time where I can feel special because I have had these ‘outrageous’ experience which are not acceptable by people like my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been fascinated by Francine because she lived her life to the fullest, not holding back from herself to fit in or be accepted even though she was a known figure in the city and was pigeonholed by mainstream media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt save with Francine because in her presence I allowed myself to accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that through getting to know those who live at the fringes of society, I will find myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that I can no longer go back and interact with Francine, because I believe that I can no longer interact with a part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that now I have a boring life where my life is structured around my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that where the poor, the down and out, the druggies, the artists, and those who are sexually different, live and exist is more real and deeper, which is why I prefer those places and locations because I judge the rich and wealthy as boring, cruel, empty and superficial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear superficiality because I consider my parents superficial and disinterested in finding the truth out about life and therefore, I fearbecoming like my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the truth about life and living can only be found in misery and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to places and locations that are too slick and too polished, which is why I have already labelled my new living environment as boring, safe and as a place that I reject without having even moved there yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that even in these circles, those that I shared with Francine, I was never fully integrated because I could and I did withdraw any moment I desired to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I side with the underdog of society I am a better person for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I defend the underdog of society, I do so because I want to divert myself from myself and want to feel better about myself, and through the diversion I create I avoid facing myself and accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my relationships with Francine and others to make myself feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am anti-tradition and anti-convention, and by identifying with these concepts and words, I can free myself from experiencing myself as inhibited, restricted and constrained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted to being called traditional because I have created a negative polarity with the word tradition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where I see myself as unconventional and exotic, and within the parts that I can identify as unconventional and exotic, I accept myself.
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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Day 388 - Getting stable - scripting myself to eradicate resentment

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In reference to the last two posts where I have spoken self-forgiveness on the various angles, situations and interactions that lead me to resent myself, others and my environment here are the corrective statements, where I am scripting my behaviour to stop myself living the automated patterns in my interactions with others.



If and when I have the opportunity to speak publicly or step in front of the team/department or any other group of people within my work environment, I take this opportunity and work through my resistances. I realise that I must take steps to be well-prepared for these sorts of situations. I therefore commit myself to device a plan in writing where I can develop a routine approach which builds up my speaking capacity so that I enable myself to walk the point of public speaking within the larger point of self-exposure and no longer experience energy (including fearanxiety, stress, and hesitation) of any kind when talking to a group, or 100 people and more about any topic.

If and when I am in an environment where I see the opportunity to connect with people, I move myself to make contact on my own, and do not allow myself to remain passive, fearing self-exposure -- I stop hiding. I stop all backchat and justifications and make connections with others, whereby I stop myself from assessing how others are responding to me, and focus on how I conduct myself in breath throughout the interaction.

If and when I want to “spin” a situation in my mind, where I am looking for a solution, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into my mind and create a strategy to approach the situation. I realise that I must completely stop using my mind in this manner because I realise that only when I cut off all paths that lead to my mind I stop trusting in my mind. I therefore commit myself to write and write - and I write further to devise a strategy in writing in how to approach situations with groups of people from the starting point of what is best for all.


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If and when I create a picture of how my day should go, I stop and breathe, I stop immediately and bring myself here. I reset my focus onto the points that I need to accomplish because I have already prioritised them. I stop myself from mapping them out in my mind, I merely gather the information that I have on the task and then begin to execute the task in physical reality - if, at any time, I get to a point where I do not know how to continue, I briefly write out what is happening, why I don’t know how to continue, and I script myself a solution in physical writing. I do not allow my physical body to just move from the habituated movement patterns which are my mind expressing itself. If and when I have the urge to move, I stop and breathe, I adjust my posture and continue with writing.


If and when I have so many different strings of tasks before me that this begins to overwhelm me I stop and breathe, I go to my list and take each task that I have scheduled and write out the steps I will take to move the task forward, whereby I do not create expectations in how the task should evolve, and how long it will take me.


If and when I let go of creating a picture and a set of expectations concerning a task, I stop myself from going to the other extreme where I allow myself to float with the task instead of keeping an eye on how the task evolves (without emotional attachment), I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a reaction and not a solution and that the solution is to consistently apply myself without stress, at ease, without rushing, steadily apply myself and gently guide myself through the task.


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As my life situation is changing I will have more opportunities for self-exposure. If and when there are others to interact with, I push myself to go towards others without expectation and withoutwaiting for them to come to me. I do not allow myself to retract, retreat or separate myself from others. I do not allow myself to judge others based on the picture that I see. I further push myself to actively participate with the team, to stay in breath throughout the interactions. In my interactions with the team as a whole or with individuals, I remain breathing, and stop all reactions towards others who talk very fast or interrupt me. I continue speaking until my sentence is finished whether the person is speaking over me or not. If and when I talk to someone who speaks really fast, I stop myself from feeling pressured to speak faster and remain in my meter and rhythm of speaking.


If at any point resistance comes up, I stop and breathe, I realise that this resistance is a pointer for more work, which I can at the end of the day review for myself. In the moment, if and when the resistance comes up, I breathe and push myself to continue the interaction. I do not allow myself to physically move away, I move my body as to adjust myself and continue speaking with the person. I stop all self-victimisation and resentment of my environment and focus on the solution.


As I am now making major changes to my life, I stop myself from my habitual thought pattern of allowing this change in my life to create resentment towards the changing parameters due to my new environment, because I no longer allow myself to create justifications of having to resent parts of the deal because of not having everything perfectly my way. If and when I have resentment come up where I believe that I have to put up with aspects of the situation that I don’t like, that are less beneficial for me, that are not my preference, that are not corresponding to the picture I have in my mind to which I try to match my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have a window of opportunity, a fresh start, so to speak, and that I am setting the starting point, from which I build my new relationships. I commit myself to create a starting point where I am stopping all blame, resentment and comparison about the people, the work and the new environment itself. I take responsibility by stopping my habitual pattern where I allow myself to mark specific parameters of my new life and work situation that I am not content with and slowly allow this discontentment to become blame and eventually resentment. I stop all justifications for 'feeling discontent' and realise that this is an illusion, and that there is no such place that gives me a perfect 'feeling of home' and instead I treat all aspects of the new environment as equal without judgement. I commit myself to this script and commit myself to eradicate any thoughts and backchats as they come up.


I realise that my responsibility extends further to writing out each point, as it comes up, because I realise that I will otherwise tend to 'bridge' my preferences and desires with what is happening in my new environment and that this leads me to compromise myself and to building up a level of negativity to which I then react by the decisions I make which reiterate the automated behaviour patterns. I therefore take each step and decision I make in writing. I commit myself to cease this opportunity and to walking this change with maximum application.


If and when I create backchat on any of the points that are related to me moving into a new environment and work situation, I stop and breathe. I immediately write out my self-forgiveness or I alternatively excuse myself and find a place to speak self-forgiveness out loud. I do not allow myself to let the backchat fester, grow and mutate into more automation and behaviour patterns. I commit myself to take this step at all times until I can stop in the moment and am comfortable within myself in the new environment, with the people and the work. 
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Monday, July 29, 2013

Day 387 - Getting stable: more on blame and resentment

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After I wrote the self-forgiveness on resentment in relation of public speaking, I realised that resentment plays a much greater role in my life beyond the incident of self-exposure. I realise that the thoughts on resentment are a companion to self-victimisation which I conveniently accept to avoid responsibility for myself. Interesting, once again I see that although the topics change the mechanism of self-dishonesty remain the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my day and my tasks and when I don't arrive at the goal that I have staked out for myself, I react with resentment to the external components, mostly to other people or to circumstances where I look for points that I can blame for having prevented me from sticking to my plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a situation I am collaborating and I become impatient with the person not working in the way I envision it should go where I then 'silently' react to the person by creating backchat and blame them because I believe that it was because of the person that  I undermined my work output.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am reacting to me not performing how I envisioned my day should go, where I fear losing control over myself, instead of realising that my starting point is from the mind and that I desire to satisfy my mind instead of living in physical reality therefore I blame external factors to justify my approach and divert myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a rigid stance about how I accomplish my tasks because I first 'work them out in my mind'  where I then transpose the picture I have created by superimposing it onto physical reality, where I have no way of connecting to the events as they occur in physical space which is then the justification I give to myself  to resent others in my environment because I cannot achieve a match between my mind and the picture I have in my head of how my day should go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that although I first look to blame external factors, ultimately, on a deeper level, I resent myself for not living up to the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear operating in physical reality alone, without holding on to an image in my head to which I match my performance because I fear that I no longer have the safety of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons where I can resent me - because I evaluate the outcome of my actions as imperfect - I always see room for improvement and as long as I move myself from this starting point, which is moving myself FROM negativity TO positivity, I keep myself trapped this cycle which then gives me permission to feel resentment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my imagination where I am trusting my mind, not realising that I am disconnected and cannot assess the real-life parameters and which then gives me more reasons to experience resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in resentment, from a specific situation to my overall life choices, thereby experiencing myself negatively which is why I believe that I have to improve myself to reach the positive experience of me - and so I keep myself trapped in this cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept blame as how I assess my interaction with others in that I allow myself to blame others in how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel better when I can point to an external factor to blame for how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel good about what I do and how I do it, not realising that this creates a polarisation where I can allow blame to take place in my life and thus allow myself to resent others.


[Continue reading...]
 
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