Saturday, July 27, 2013

Day 386 - Getting stable and letting go of resentment about self-exposure

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This post follows up from the previous one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent aspects of my current life because I believe that the resentment is justified and that is why I further believe that I need to change my life, not realising that to want to change my life from this starting point is based on a mental trap and will not stop me from experiencing resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent aspects of my life because I believe the resentment is real and in doing so I negate my responsibility as the creator of my life because I do not want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent part of my life because I judge my decisions that have lead me to this situation through the lens of good and bad, rather than working on understanding the mechanisms of how I programmed myself, which is the sum total of all my decisions which is equal to where I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept resentment as justification to separate myself from my reality, including other people, and keep myself trapped in self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept resentment as justification why I should not engage in certain activities - like public speaking - and by considering it a waste of my time I allow myself to not be here every moment of breath but rather be somewhere in my mind because I have justified to myself that this activity is valueless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I do has to be classified into value/ no-value and by allowing myself to judge my activities in this manner i believe that my life has meaning because I have purpose if I focus on doing the activities that I judge as having value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging my activities and live here in every moment of breath because I realise that when I judge what I do from the perspective of added "value" to my life, I judge from the perspective of status and ego which is what keeps me locked and trapped in my preprogrammed design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself and therefore allow myself to resent that my life is not going in the way I desire it to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling the picture I have of myself and therefore I allow myself to experience myself as bored and discontent when having to prepare for this presentation which is how I justify searching in my mind to find 'other' ways that are less 'difficult' to get what I believe I require and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with weariness and aversion to having to work in the world system for my survival - where this presentation is part of my the work I must to do to compete for my survival - and this comes down to me not wanting to take responsibility for what I have created as member of humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat where I allow myself to repeat in my mind the words 'this such a waste of my time, I could be doing more meaningful things than having to spend so much time on preparing for this talk' - where I end up judging myself because I realise that I have been avoiding presenting my work because I don't want to expose myself by speaking publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat "why do I have to do this, what a nuisance" where I judge the activity of preparing for my talk as less than me which has the effect that I 'feel' superior, so that I don't have to admit to myself that I am afraid of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat that "if I had dealt with the situation years ago, I would not have to do this right now and I could be done already" and thus I realise that I have missed an opportunity in the past and by hanging on to the regret, I allow myself to justify the resentment I have for the current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up in form of a picture, where I am in an endless loop of having to prepare and rehearse my talk, and so i use this thought to condition myself that to think that I must suffer as part of the preparation for this talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a thought about an activity where I have to suffer - as with this presentation where I see an image of myself engaging in endless rehearsals and preparatory steps for the presentation - I do what is expected of me, in terms of working hard, and I don't realise that I have simply created a belief to which I try to live up to and where I accept that suffering is the proof that I have lived up to my own expectation - and then use these points to justify my resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being totally at ease while giving the presentation and knowing just what to say and do, and from here I build up expectations - and so I practise my talk against these expectations but when I see that I set myself up and that my reality does not match this imagination/expectation, I then justify feeling resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the moment where I am actually giving the talk and because of the expectations that I create with this projection, I am experiencing my physical body in unease and pain in my solar plexus area where I allow myself to feel nervous and insecure, which is how I justify feeling resentment. 
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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Day 385 - Getting stable, facing the point of 'self-exposure'

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Before I continue with the topic on my previous post, I want to write up what has come up in the recent days as reaction in relation 'exposing' myself to others. I am in the process of stablising my life, that is I have been at this for a while now. By stablising I mean literally becoming stable with my job and living situation.

The current situation, of not being stable, is the outflow of consequences I have created for myself from years back. The best analogy I can give for that is when you cut your hair short and then you decide to let it grow out, it takes time and you have to deal with the various lengths, in one way or another.

This stretch - of becoming stable - has been going on for the past two years. There have been many twist and turns since then and I experienced my life/ myself as chaotic and directionless. Mostly, I had to face many points that I have buried at the bottom of myself, without even knowing it. It all came to light when I started with the Desteniiprocess. It was as if the "truth" of me, the person I had created throughout my life emerged in front of my eyes. Oh, shit.

Now many points are in the limelight and I am able to provide myself with situations to face them, one by one, and all in the process of becoming stable. The recent one I just faced occurred just a day ago. This one had to do with the relationship I have of myself when I am 'exposing' myself to others. The way I experience myself as uncomfortable in situations and interactions, where in the past have found ways around it, I now have come to a point in my life where I can no longer do that if I want to become stable.

The particular point I faced was public speaking for approximately an hour. Since I was a child I have escaped what I understood as 'self-exposure' in front of others (watching and judging me) but this very point has played an ever growing role in my life, and especially in the past 8 years where I have taken the professional route which includes to a large degree self-exposure in relation to knowledge. Talking about a topic that I have studied, and which I divulge voluntarily in front of others in a speaking 'performance'- where my work is under scrutiny, which up until now has spelled "I am under scrutiny". Up until now this is how I have perceived this situation, of course I realise that this is the crux of the fear-program which I have to walk through.

The first part I want to walk here is the resentment I experience because I have spend the past weeks completely focussed on preparing for this "public performance". The resentment is always the same: "I'd rather be doing something that has real meaning, value, purpose and so forth", and "I am missing out on so many other things, oh, now I really want to write a blog". The point that I am not getting/stopping here is that without a stable life I cannot contribute to something that has real meaning and value, such as supporting our group to grow.

The point of resentment comes back to one thing: I don't want to be in my skin, which is the same point of not wanting to stand in front of others and facing the 'self-exposure'. Therefore the first step of becoming comfortable in my skin is to accept where I am at, but at the same time, not allow myself to use the process of becoming stable and the points that I am facing as justification for other things, such as "I don't have the time to write that blog" - and then experience myself in conflict with the same result: I am not comfortable within my skin.

Next, I will walk the self-forgiveness specifically on the point of resentment....
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