Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 384 - The great wall of ego pt1


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to step over my limitation and give as I like to receive because I have personalised the goal of whom I give to, where I give only to some when I know I will receive back and not to others because I believe that I have proof that the other will not reciprocate and because of this 'tug and pull', I will not bend and will continue to compete for my right to get what I want, or else I won't give, as I am unable to forgive my past and forgive myself that which I had to give up of myself by programming myself into an automated organism, so that I could survive in this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about the illusion that each person carries around as the mask, the image, the presentation they make to the world - more than I care about me becoming whole with myself where all that is being said and done by those in masks has reign and power over me because I do not want to give up my addiction to the programs that I have installed already and that are the construct of my ego, where my addiction is one of comfort because I know exactly what I am getting and can expect of myself instead of truly 'seeing' who I am without the self-definition, without the crutch that i believe I cannot exist as, and so I allow myself to hold onto the illusion of how I have constructed myself because I believe that what I would lose, if I were to let go, is real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a great sense of resistance that I have no understanding of, but because it is there I allow myself to accept it when in common sense I can equally not accept it because I do not understand it, and see who I would be if I enter common sense into this resistance and let go, which may even show me that which I do not understand at this point, yet I am not willing to let go because have to insist that my ego is more important than me understanding the interactions of ideas and beliefs that have I created as me and that bring about emotions and feelings while I pretend I want to let go of emotions and feelings and when I have the opportunity to venture beyond myself to let go, when I stand in front of myself facing a real test, I hold onto to feelings and emotions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that only through absolute humility I can let go of the righteousness and the judgements I have build up about another, as these always reflect how I judge myself and in doing so I stop abusing myself and respect myself - equally, all parts of myself - and in doing that I am in the position to treat everyone around me as equals regardless of another's reactions towards me. 

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Day 383 - In a manner of speaking pt3


This post follows up on the previous two posts, here I write out my self-commitment statements on speaking and breathing. 

If and when I am in a situation where I react to the words that are spoken by someone else and I want to go into my habitual response mode where must defend myself I stop and breathe, I stop myself from speaking, I slow myself down by taking a breather and do not speak in relation to what has been said by the other person that caused a reaction within me.  I commit myself to patiently practice this way of dealing with someone else' words until I have stopped the urge to speak. I realise further that I must redefine words and commit myself to do so. 

If and when I am in a situation where I am casually hanging out with others, and I tend to want to speak my mind, I stop and breathe, I realise that speaking for the sake of speaking can not be done in awareness, I first have to create my starting point in awareness so that I am not answering from an emotional charge or state - irrespective of the polarisation, good or bad, happy or sad - after I have cleared my starting point only then I speak. I realise that after having been living in speaking and breathing awareness for the past days that I do not need to speak much at all and that most what I have previously spoken was my mind chatter.  I commit myself to stop speaking my mind chatter and approach myself with discipline and total dedication to walk this point and get it done. 

If and when I want to speak because I am in a situation where I experience myself as compelled to fill the silent spaces, when I am in the company of people I do not know, I stop and breathe, I make myself comfortable within myself and realise that any uncomfortable feelings I am experiencing are my own, I do not accept the mental reasoning that I must speak because a social etiquette calls for it. I realise that when I am comfortable within myself, I give others the space to be the same. I commit myself to not listen to my mind and believe that there are exceptions where I must speak because of some social circumstances. I realise that this does not mean that I won't answer questions but it means that I won't initiate pointless mind chatter talk. 

If and when I decide to speak in any situation, i become the directive principle in choosing the words I speak and I annunciate the words clearly and specifically, I speak at a comfortable pace and do not rush or slow down my speaking so that it creates an artificial engagement with language, I commit myself to find the most comfortable speaking pace that works for me and where I can comfortable breathe at a slow pace. 

If and when I notice within myself that I am drifting outside of myself where my attention goes to the actors of the scene that surrounds me I stop and breathe, I slow myself down immediately and bring myself back into myself, I do not allow myself to believe for a moment that what happens in my environment is more important than being aware of myself in every moment.  I commit myself to bring myself back to myself until I effortlessly stay in my awareness within myself. 

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