Saturday, April 27, 2013

Day 345 - What is old is useless because it no longer functions

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When I have something in my world that is old, I expect it to no longer function properly. These assumptions are not only in the context of objects, they are also in the context of people. Old people, for example, I do not take them seriously, unless they have a certain authority and are recognised by society. Just like an object I assume that someone old is too stuck in their ways/thinking to be worthwhile my attention. The other day I sat next to an old, wrinkled woman and I noticed how she even scared me, how I did not want to get close to her - her wrinkles, her shaky hands where spelling helplessness and despair for me. She was smiling a lot at me and I interpreted her smiles as insecurities. I realise that within this I am the one who fears getting old because I have accepted that just because something or someone is old, there can be no longer any value to it/them.

I realise that I have been bought by the youth cult, the ever young and glowing people I see everywhere in advertisement, half naked, sexy, fresh and appealing. I have internalised them to the extend that I am rejecting those who have become old because they are used up, they are a threat to the society, they represent a burden that we must take care of. Within my own family, it’s not the quite the same, while I still don’t give old people the same value as younger people, they represent to me a repository of my personal history, my ancestral connections that are preserved in their memory - and that is the value they have for me.

I only realised these beliefs/assumptions recently, before I never even considered old people any further, they were just there, somewhere in the periphery of my life. Perhaps the timely realisation came about because I am getting older myself and at some point I will be in their shoes. Perhaps I am also realising, through walking my process, the myth about wisdom and how it comes with age, and the respect we must give to our elders - all of which is part of the same tradition that keeps the wheels of the system spinning and keeps the status quo of our fucked up world intact.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that old people are worthless because I believe that they are stuck in their ways and cannot change and that their so-called wisdom is really the 'height' of their denial - yet, with that, I also reject getting old myself because I fear ending up like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people and to generalise them based on their demon-like appearance and the decay of their body - because I have imprinted myself with the youth cult that is our society- and have decided that 'old' does not fit the 'youth' picture and therefore old people are not relevant as beings or individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be in physical proximity of old people because I fear seeing their decaying faces and bodies, and within that I fear seeing my own decay and what awaits me when I am old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship between age and value, not realising that this is a mind-relationship and does not reflect what is actual reality, in how we can age through walking our process and deconstructing ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to the idea of "potential" and how it is related to youth and that, by contrast, I see no more "potential" in old people and thus no value in their beingness, and therefore limiting and separating myself from humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger when I look at how the world is fucked up and yet I don't want to take responsibility unconditionally to change myself so that this world can change - instead i blame old people for having created this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for old people because I place myself as superior as I believe that I still function perfectly and have potential to create a better world. 
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Day 344 - Negativity drives my life pt7

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at least through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.

The imagination dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that whatever I cannot control in absolute detail must turn out with a negative result because I believe that through my influence on the situation I can stir it in the ‘right/positive’ direction, not realising that I am only pursuing my self-interest, and in that I am destructive and abusive, unable to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the steps involved to reach a life of positivity where I can finalise my journey out of negativity and I am complete and content, yet I do not see that these steps require first and foremost self-change so that I can step out of the polarisation from negative-positive-negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that it’s better to stay away from others than to go towards another because I perceive this to be a risk in having to face my own negativity as relationships are like a mirror that I look into to see myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that things will be alright for me in the future - and in this I trust my mind blindly - so that I do not have to face my negative starting point and can continue to indulge in my energetic creations - therefore I conveniently overlook the cycles of moving from 
negative-positive-negative, so that I accumulate consequences, which in turn produce more energetic reactions because eventually I am confronted with my consequences and have to respond to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when things do not go my way I must find another way to get what I want, because I believe that I must get away from experiencing myself unfulfilled and unsatisfied - which is essentially my negative default.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I no longer have the cycle of moving from 
negative-positive-negative I am going to be bored.
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Friday, April 26, 2013

Day 343 - Negativity drives my life pt6

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at least through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.



The thought dimension - The reward for self

If and when I use and justify negativity as a way to ensure my future and to compensate that I cannot know how my life will evolve - I stop and breathe,
I realise that through self-honesty, I can actually know how my life evolves because I can look at the consequences that result from my actions and where they will take me. Since physical reality is accumulative I can trace back the what and how, and realise that the negative default state serves only to create more consequence.

I commit myself to stop negativity and use self-honesty to move myself into stability, now and in the future.

If and when I engage with the picture of the world and produce thoughts of negativity where I home in on every scene that floats by my eyes, on what I desire or on what is missing from my life, I stop and breathe,
I realise that I am responsible for creating the thoughts as triggers from which backchat, reaction, and action cascade, all steeped in negativity and separation.
I commit myself to slow myself down to stop the triggers of negativity.

If and when I do not want to see all of the relationships that negativity creates, I stop and breathe, I give myself permission to investigate, see, realise, and understand all dimensions of negativity.
I commit myself to investigate negativity in detail and release all relationships that I have created on the basis of negativity.

If and when I use fear to hold on to my negative thoughts, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am in charge at all times in how I have automated my life.

I commit myself to stop my automated patterns of thinking and acting - within, from and towards negativity.

If and when I believe that it is legitimate to define myself as "problem-solver", I stop and breathe, I realise that labelling myself as "problem-solver" is to acknowledge that the starting point of the human is within negativity, lack and scarcity, but that the true nature of humans lies beyond the polarisation and is anchored in the ability to respond.

I commit myself to replace my negative default with my 'ability to respond' in common sense.

If and when I believe that negativity and all my automated thought and behaviour patterns are too solidified to be changed, I stop and breathe, I realise that my will can tackle any pattern I want to change as long as I take responsibility and apply myself in self-honesty and walk the correction accordingly.

I commit myself to stop letting negativity guide into beliefs of defeat, inability, and/or giving up.
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Day 342 - Negativity drives my life pt5

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at least through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.



The thought dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter any situation and see myself as disadvantaged, using the elements of the situation to bring up a picture in my mind that is based on my desires and wanting these desires to be fulfilled because I have no foresight of how my life will evolve and whether I will survive, and thus I believe that I must secure my future which I can do through my negative default.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts of lack and/or scarcity where I am defaulting in negativity by flashing myself with pictures that home in on every scene, on what is "missing" from my life or what could be potentially "missing", and using this as a trigger for me to create thought, backchat, reaction and action.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that defaulting to a state that something or someone is "missing" is directly linked to my negative disposition towards life and the living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thoughts that come from lack, disadvantage and missing something - come up so fast that I can't even catch a glimpse and only see in my backchat how negative I am in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use negativity in my thoughts to hold onto my fears so that I avoid looking at myself, at who I am beyond my negativity, because my fears conveniently act like a barrier that I am using to stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept life as a series of negative events and in that I have accepted that humans are 'problem-solvers', meaning that collectively we have accepted that life means we engage in problem-solving activities on a daily basis, never stopping and looking at how we create these "problems" for ourselves through our egos and unwillingness to step up to the plate to change ourselves and the system that we have created - but rather believe that we cannot change ourselves, cannot change the system, because we do not want to change our negative default state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that negativity is more than me because I cannot slow myself down enough to stop the thoughts coming up - not realising that this statement is in itself coming from the negative default state, where I believe that I do no have 'enough' will to implement the change I live as the who I am.


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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Day 341 - Negativity drives my life pt4

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at least through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.



The fear dimension - The reward for self continued...

If and when I believe that negativity is a better state to be than positivity because I see in negativity the possibility of critical thinking I stop and breathe, 

I realise that neither critical thinking nor negativity is helping to change the world and that the solution is common sense plus action. I commit myself to stop negativity as well as positivity and develop superb common sense on the basis of actions in physical reality.

If and when I judge my environment as negative and judge some experiences as positive only as long as it serves my self-interest, I stop and breathe, 
I realise that with my negative 'default' I always act in self-interest and will never reach a solution that supports life because the positivity I experience is only a temporary energetic relief from the negativity so that I charge myself up through the polarisation. 

I commit myself to stop my self-interest which I activate through the negativity-positivity polarisation. 

If and when I compete with others because I want to get away from my negative default state and feel good about my external world to distract me facing myself 
I stop and breathe, 
I realise that I am in competition with myself and I stop. I commit myself to stop conflicting myself. 

If and when I render my negative disposition towards life visible to myself through my actions in self-importance - and then use my need to survive to justify not caring about anyone else but me because I fear having to give up negativity through becoming a self-responsible human being- I stop and breathe, 

I realise that there is no `me' without self-responsibility, and to get to know who I am as individualised part of the whole I need to become self-honest. I commit myself to make self-responsiblity my default. 



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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Day 340 - Negativity drives my life pt3

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at least through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.



The fear dimension - The reward for self

If and when I enter into the cycle, in search of the positive from my negative default state, where I have trapped myself, oscillating from the negative pole to the positive pole until my capacity for energy is satisfied, so that I can swing back to the negative state, looking for the next best thing that kickstarts my cycle again - I stop and breathe -

I realise that this IS the world I have created for myself where I am unable to see beyond the confines of the polarisation to understand the dynamic that I contribute to in setting up a world of abuse, and where I cannot see my responsibility of how I am holding up this dynamic - because I am not willing to let go of my need/desire/pursuit of energy.
I commit myself to stop this cycle by, in first place, stop feeding myself with energy and exist in breath.

If and when I don't want to see, realise and understand that my contributions on earth, to the whole that is this existence, come from negativity in pursuit of the positivity where I compete with all other beings within the successful completion of my pursuit, and I fear giving up the pursuit itself because I believe that I can no longer give meaning to my life - I stop and breathe -

I realise that this fear is a protective layer to keep me from taking responsibility and seeing, realising and understanding that meaning cannot be created from an energetic pursuit within polarisation, and that as such this idea of "meaning" is not real - I realise further that real "meaning" or to conduct a meaningful life must include all of existence as a whole because only the whole together advances to create coherence and construction - whereas creating from the individualised part of the whole creates fragmentation and separation, which is inherently destructive to the whole. 


I commit myself to redirect the idea of meaning by applying myself as living by example through self-honesty, self-corrective application and breath, so that we, as humanity, can bring the fragmented and separated world we have created together in oneness and equality.


If and when I want to deny that my starting point is located within negativity, because I fear the destructive nature of negativity and within that fear facing myself - I stop and breathe -

I realise that 'facing myself' is not a matter of choice as this is not a transient situation, it is the fundamental situation of our collective existence, facing ourselves in self-honesty is our responsibility of having a life in this world - it is not negotiable and must be understood and realised by all. 


I commit myself to step out of the delusional life that I live and step into seeing for real what this reality is all about.

If and when I do not want to look into my past because I do not want to see negativity rendered in vivid detail to myself, I stop and breathe,

I realise that looking at my past is the key to understanding myself because it is through the accumulated memories that I have become what I am today, and unless I step through these memories to return to the beginning of me, I am not able to step out of the ping-pong cycle of negative to positive pursuits and back to the negative, and exist as me, as self.


I commit myself to walk back in time and work through my accumulated memories with self-honesty and self-corrective application. 





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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day 339 - Negativity drives my life pt2

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In this post I continue the series that I started on day 337, where I give background to the problem that I am addressing with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Summary of the problem:

We all default into negativity. We are unable to see that our lives are a single pursuit from the negative to the positive, in how we want to experience ourselves. We achieve this in all kinds of ways, not at last through education and consumerism. Negativity makes us untrustworthy creatures that abuse life and the living by virtually ignoring what goes on around us as long as we can escape from it and experience ourselves positively - and for that no price is too high. How do we change that? Through self-honesty and self-investigation.


The fear dimension continued - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that negativity is a better state to be than positivity because I have mixed up critical thinking with negativity, thinking that my ability to criticise is the mark of an intellectual not realising that I fear not having the backchat of my critical thinking to occupy me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything around me as negative and when I do judge something as positive it is only positive as long as it serves my self-interest and if it does not serve me anymore it rapidly declines into negativity to protect me from my fear of having to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use negativity to justify always looking out for myself through competing with others because I fear being alone with my negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative disposition towards life which I use to justify not caring about anyone else but me because I fear having to give up negativity to become self-responsible.
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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Day 338 - Globetrotter & parental relations - final part

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With this post I am ending the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324. where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

While writing this series of posts over the last weeks, my father has been diagnosed with cancer and is currently in the hospital awaiting surgery. So this was a timely point for me to walk....


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The consequence dimension - The reward for self. 

If and when I realise that I come from the same starting point of separation, namely where I just rely on my father to provide me with the necessary support regarding my personal affairs, but yet exist in blame and anger towards my parents, I stop and breathe, I realise that I need to continue to investigate this point until I can maintain my starting point where I have no backchat about relying on my father and I have used common sense to evaluate whether it is necessary to involve him or not. 
I commit myself to keep investigating the point of separation with my parents and the reliance on my father's help in my personal affairs until I can stand free of anger and blame and have taken total self-responsibility.


If and when I realise that I have not taken full responsibility for myself by trading favours for enduring an abusive situation, I stop and breathe, I realise that my responsibility is manifold - in first instance it is me taking responsibility as the adult and stopping my victimisation in my parental relationship, secondly,  it is my responsibility to stop anger and blame regardless of what has happened in the past and third, I take responsibility for stepping out of the family game and treat the situation one and equal to how I would treat any other situation and I stop all guilt, backchat or fear of loss when I do so because I know that I will remain here once I have taken the step....
I commit myself to stop participating as victim and take full responsibility as equal and treat my parents as equal, without fear of loss of having someone 'available' to take care of my personal affairs when needed. 

If and when I have to deal with the current situation and I do not want to see, realise and understand that I am dealing with my self-created relationship, where my mother will mirror back to me the point of dependence and lack of self-responsiblity , I stop and breathe, I realise that this is the consequence in my family situation that I have to walk and I will do so by applying common sense and create a situation that takes everyone into consideration and produces results that are what is best for all. 



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