Saturday, April 20, 2013

Day 337 - Negativity drives my life pt1

- 1 comments


Negativity is our default state. We operate from the negative and aim for the positive. I have noticed that my internal conflicts are based on the negative disposition, it's evident in the internal dialog of my backchat: "ah, this is what I want to do, but wait - that's never going to work" - it's the seesaw effect that keeps me enslaved struggling to hold the two dynamics in check and finding a balance to still get done what I set out to do.

I am so used to it, I hardly notice that everything I do results in hard work, because I use negativity to work for the positive. Where is my enjoyment? 

Negativity as the starting point, it has the best of me because like a stone hitting a water surface it creates the ripples that permeate my life and determine my behaviour while I am struggling to escape this negativity - that is, the self-created negativity, where I 'just' accept it as being 'the who I am'. 

I remember well when I was a kid and I was full of enjoyment and wanted to do this and that, and then the answer was consistently "no" from one of my parents. I remember in school when we were drawing for example, and I wanted to draw the way it was fun for me, the correction of how to do draw properly first had to establish that my way of drawing was a "no". 

Today, I have this dynamic internalised where there is the part of me that seeks fulfilment and the negativity that seeks to shut me down, limit me, lessen me - and all in utter self-interest.


The fear dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created myself from the starting point of negativity from which I engage in fear  - where I constructed my life coming from the negative and striving for the positive so that I can escape the unpleasant experience of negativity, not realising that as long as there is one polarisation there is always the other polarisation and within that I oscillate between the negative and the positive never getting anywhere, never understanding what I am actually existing as and how I have trapped myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be genuine in any contribution towards the oneness of the earth because I come from negativity so that I fear that if I don' t strive for the positive, where I have to see all other beings as competition, I cannot create purpose for my life and cannot give meaning to my activities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my programmed starting point in negativity, which I fear because of its destructiveness, but instead of facing myself within it, I drown it in denial and overlook my internal struggle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into my past because I will have to face negativity as I have nothing 'good' to say about my past, and thus do not want to 'learn' to understand how I have created myself. 




[Continue reading...]

Friday, April 19, 2013

Day 336 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt13

- 0 comments




With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The consequence dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the consequence of the stability-instablity dynamic in relation to my father, where I have become reliant on him to be my 'catcher' for administrative jobs that I can't manage easily from the multi-country life style that I was living, never considering what would happen if these things: the stable "address" and "running of urgent errands" were taken away from me, and how I would have to become entirely responsible for myself and my considerations in how I lead my life so that all things fit together without having to rely on someone else. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I allow myself to not fully take responsibility for myself that I often compromised myself with my parents where I allowed abuse because I could trade the abuse for favours with my dad to keep my affairs going, and step in where i needed someone to do something for me, not realising that this is the business of enslavement within family - and that this not taking 'full' responsibility for my own 'weight', which is then an in-point into other relationships that i operate in similar ways, with expectations and claims, never realising what I was doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have from this relationship with my parents created the situation that awaits me now, where now my mother and my brother will have the same reliance on me instead of having taken the necessary precaution to create a way to deal with themselves, once my father is no longer around, and in that I have taken on the programming that I have always critisised in my parent's behaviour.




[Continue reading...]

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Day 335 Globetrotter & parental relations pt12

- 0 comments





With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The physical dimension - The reward for self

If and when I allow myself to have thoughts about my father not being here anymore, I stop and breathe,
I realise that I am reacting to a memory of myself of how I see myself in relation with my father and through these memories I make his death more special than anyone else' death because I also know that his death has consequences on my life whereas I believe other deaths do not matter to me.
I commit myself to stop living in the memory of my father and live here in physical reality.

If and when I experience myself with contractions in my lower abdominal region and my knees are weak, I stop and breathe, I realise that I do not want to accept changes to my life as I will have to adapt to changing circumstances in my family and within that I realise I refuse to give up my memories and the picture I have of myself. I commit myself to stop identifying myself with memories and live in physical reality.

If and when I experience myself in physical self-neglect I stop and breathe, I realise that this is an outflow of not wanting to accept the circumstances - like a stubborn child that pouts because it does not get what it wants. I commit myself to stop myself from fighting against the circumstances and accept what is here equal and one. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 334 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt11

- 0 comments




With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The physical dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed thoughts of fear regarding my life without my father which manifest in my physical body through pressure in my chest and weight on my shoulders, and that I have not realised that I am creator of these physical symptoms upon my body, not realising that I am also the one who can stop them by stopping my fear of loss of my current life style when there are changes in my family composition where I have to step in and provide support for the remaining family members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience contractions within my physical body, especially in my lower abdomen, when the thought arises within me how life will change when my father dies and within this experience my knees are weak because I realise that when this happens that I have to deal with the situation at hand, as is, without ifs and whens, that I will have no choice and within this I allow myself to physically paralyse myself and stare into the distance because I do not want to allow myself to stop and breathe and realise that the only thing necessary to face myself in this is my stability within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience self-neglect when I think of what is coming my way when my father is not around anymore and where I just want to forget that I have a body that I have to care for instead of realising that this is an act of self-consumation, a form of self-punishment, as I do not want to participate in my own life because I don't want things to change so that I can live my life as I have always done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry because I fear the moment when I am told that my father is gone and that there is not a thing I can do about it but to accept it, not realising that, once again, even at this point I am only driven by self-interest, not by realisation that the death of one being is equal to the death of another being, whether it is someone I am close to or not. 
[Continue reading...]
 
Copyright © . Is life possible without the mind? - Posts · Comments
Theme Template by BTDesigner · Powered by Blogger