Saturday, April 13, 2013

Day 330 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt7

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With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The backchat dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat when I consider my father's death and what it would be like when he is gone and how he should have taken my questions seriously concerning certain tasks, instead of denying the reality that one day all those tasks will be left for me. I realise that this backchat is useless in that it will create more of a resistance towards dealing with the situation when it arrives. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat when considering that my father will die and I am left with my mother where I anticipate through my backchat lots of difficulties with coming to an agreement with her, and in my backchat I try out various ways to 'deal' with her, to preempt the worse case scenario, not realising that while doing so I am in my mind and am not functioning for myself, in my life, but rather have diverted myself into the 'virtual' world where only my relationship with my mother exists. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat on the thought of my father's death where I self-victimise because all is left to me since I consider my mother rather helpless within my backchat, and thus I allow myself to feel sorry for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on in my mind when my father is not around anymore, about how I am going to deal with alternative solutions when it comes to making long-distance arrangements, and within that I play out different alternative routes of what I can do, whereby I am unaware of the actual interdependencies of the these alternatives and thus 'operate' in my mind disconnected from reality, which cannot solve the situation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on about the situation when my father is not around anymore where I am telling myself how I am going to deal with all the memories that will come up, not realising that there is no strategy for dealing with this situation but to just breathe and work through the memories in self-forgiveness. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on about the situation when my father is not around anymore where I fret about how it will change my personal life and what I must give up to make it work for my mother and brother - not realising that, once again, this is based on speculation as I do not know what the actual circumstances will look like. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat coming up about the situation when my father is no longer around and the fact that I am unable to discuss the situation with my mother at this time, not realising that I want to plan the situation so that I feel save as to what is coming my way. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat when I no longer have the point of stability in my life, represented by my father, where I talk to myself about what to do to not feel lost. 
[Continue reading...]

Friday, April 12, 2013

Day 329 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt6

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With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The imagination dimension - The reward.


If and when I imagine the unknown world I will encounter when my father is dead, I stop and breathe, 
I realise that no matter what I have to face, I take responsibility for myself and do not judge the  "unknown" in polarisation but focus on getting a grip on what is here.

I commit myself to stop myself from imagining the "unknown" and deal with what is here. 

If and when I imagine that I have to sacrifice myself for my mother and my brother upon my father's death, I stop and breathe, 
I realise that I can proceed by trusting myself, to act in common sense and from the principle of what is best for all. I realise that I must do some work on this point to release all guilt feelings. 

I commit myself to release all guilt feelings towards my 'responsibilities' as the daughter to my mother and the sister to my brother, and act in common sense to deal with the situation breath-by-breath and step-by-step. 

If and when I anticipate a lot of problems to come to an agreement with my mother in how to do things, I stop and breathe,
I realise that it is up to me in how I react to my mother, and in stopping my thoughts and behaviours - and stopping my self-interest to see, understand and realise how she has created herself. 

I commit myself to stop my mind and future projections about the situation that will ensue after my father's death.  

If and when I project into the future as to when my father is gone, and all the stuff that needs to be directed physically, I stop and breathe, 
I realise that my parents have a lot of stuff accumulated and that it will have to be dealt with, and as I am also a consumer and have created the consumer society I am equally responsible.

I commit myself to stop judging the amount of stuff my parents have accumulated and see, realise and understand that i am a consumer in this society and have, directly or indirectly, participated in flooding the world with stuff.  

If and when I must clear out my parents' belongings and experience myself in resistance, I stop and breathe, 
I realise that this gives me an opportunity to face myself in my judgements about people who own a lot of stuff and "use" the situation to walk myself out of my programming so that I stand one and equal to all material goods that are here. 

I commit myself to become an equal to the physical world and stop judging ownership or property  - and investigate further all reactions to this point. 

If and when I imagine that I will have a lot of hassle with my administrative stuff because my father is no longer here to assist me long-distance, 
I stop and breathe, 
I realise that this is a matter of organisation and trust myself that I find ways to deal with the situation so that I can take responsibility for having affairs going on in multiple countries. 

I commit myself to re-organise myself and trust myself to be able to devise ways to deal with my affairs in multiple countries. 


If and when I am confronted with the responsibilities that my father left behind and that he never explained to me, in how to manage them, I stop and breathe, 

I realise that it is what it is and I can learn to not do the same to the people who come after me but take responsibility that I too some day will die and that others will have to 'deal' with what I leave behind. Furthermore, I realise that I have done the same for million of years, otherwise earth would be a more liveable place, therefore I take responsibility in this life time to change myself so that we can create a system that is best for all.

I commit myself to change myself by stopping my mind and to create a system that is best for all.   


If and when I experience myself in fear of the consequences that the death of my father will bring to my life, I stop and breathe, 

I realise that this is a good opportunity to face myself all ways that are related to parents. 
I commit myself to take the opportunity to its fullest and face myself, taking the consequences head on. 

[Continue reading...]

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 328 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt5

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With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.


The imagination dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the world without my father is going to be different for me and that this 'knowing of a difference' is unknown to me which is what scares me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when my father is dead I need to sacrifice myself for my mother and brother because they will need me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when my father is dead, I will have to deal with my mother alone and I anticipate lots of resistance and problems with her to come to agreements in how to do things.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I have to deal with a lot of physical work because my parents have a lot of stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances towards spending time on physically clearing out his belongings because I would rather be doing other things that I value more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my mother is very attached to stuff and will make it difficult for me to collaborate with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my mother will "lose the plot" and will not take responsibility for her life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will have to shift how I do my administrative stuff because my father will no longer be there to catch me and therefore I fear having a lot of hassle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal with the consequences of my father never having taken responsibility to explain to me how to manage the affairs of the family and that I will have a hard time getting the information together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because my father never responded to me when I asked him to explain to me how to manage the family's affairs, and me not able to deal with his denial, I have not done anything else to get a clue as to what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there are consequences that come towards me that are bigger than me, and a total surprise because I did not count on them.
[Continue reading...]
 
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