Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Day 311 - My desire for simplicity is really a corporate policy


I have a tendency to work a lot. More precisely I look to be engaged in such a way where I have to become ‘single-minded’ and all else in my life seems to fade in the background, as I declare the need to dedicate myself to this one thing - for however long it takes. Therefore, subconsciously I have created situations that will put me in such a place where I have to work long hours, learn new skills, and become absorbed in the material to understand it, and I am usually up against some deadline.

This is of course great for academia and corporate culture alike. I have voluntarily programmed myself to support the workaholic culture we live in, the justifications that stem from the acceptance of this situation are the ones we use when asked to change ourselves and change the world: I have no time for this.

When it comes down to it, I can look at it and realise that this program is me not wanting to deal with the complexity of who i have become through all my personalities, and wanting to get away from acknowledging that this is so. As a teenager I wanted to live in a monastery, I was fascinated by that life style, less by the belief in god but the simplicity that monks and nuns lead in their lives was the object of my 'divine' desire.

I wanted this kind of simplicity because I imagined that it would have supported me in dedicating myself to this one activity that I could become really good at and which would, in a way, save me from the world - but really save me from investigating myself.

Of course, I never entered the monastery, but instead found ways to occupy myself with exclusivity using deadlines, hard work and other diverting, yet apparently necessary, activities. "Taking a project and run with it" - is something I am really good at. It is me with a mistaken identity of what it means to be dedicated because I project my responsibility onto a project, to avoid looking at how I have created myself in this life. It's a form of abuse of the creative production to engender a system of harm and suffering, rather than dedicating myself to life.

It is me running away from myself and while I can run, I can no longer hide. I see in my thoughts that this way of thinking is also present in my imaginations and desires, and my attempt to become ever so efficient by structuring my environment with ever more efficiency to only focus on the essentials - the bare minimum, minimising large parts of my expression.

Having said this, I see an urge for control, yet not being able to control who I have become I then control that which I do, and how I do it and how I live it. So basically - a concerted effort with myself to externalise the internal, in an attempt to get away. 

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Day 310 - Remembering Numbers Versus Names pt9


I continue the REWARD in form of self-commitment statements from last post. This finalises my release of thought - energy in regards to numbers and names.


If and when I see numbers and I want to project energy into numbers where I get a sense of happiness from the reading and looking at the shape of numbers, I stop and breathe.
I realise that this is a program I have accepted as me where I abuse myself to for an energy fix.

I commit myself to stop myself from using numbers to generate energetic engagement.

If and when I remember numbers and I bring a picture of a number to my mind I stop and breathe,
I stop myself from imagining numbers in any other way than what is here before me.

I commit myself to stop using numbers to dwell in my imagination.

If and when I realise that I give numbers a special place I stop and breathe,
I realise that place numbers in a superior place and names in an inferior place and therefore choose to remember one better than the other.

I commit myself to stop creating a polarity between numbers and names.

If and when I realise that I still favor some numbers over others, I stop and breathe,
I realise that all numbers are equal and that it is through my interpretation I have created inequality in my perception.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that equality between numbers and letters - and within numbers and letters is here in physical reality.

If and when I realise that I want to interpret numbers to predict events that are of an abstract, mental nature, I stop and breathe,
I realise that we have collective interpretations of numbers which we use to trap us in hope and wishful thinking.

I commit myself to stop using numbers in any other manner than for events relevant in the physical world.

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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Day 309 - Remembering Numbers Versus Names pt8


In this post, I lay out the REWARD - by making a commitment to set myself free from this program regarding the recall of names and numbers.

If and when I encounter a name of something or someone - that I am in need to remember,

I stop and breathe

I realise that I have in the past used this moment to blank out so that I am unable to retain the name.

I commit myself to stop blanking out and bring myself here when learning a new name or remembering one I have already learned.

If and when I cannot remember a name but find myself in a situation where I have to recall a name,
I stop and breathe,

I then realise that I am still following my programming, and I patiently keep pushing myself through the resistances using my breath.

I commit myself to not give in or up on this point until it's done.

If and when I am can't remember a name but would like to or have to and have backchat come up,
I stop and breathe,

I realise that I can just breathe through the backchat and not engage in it until it fades away.

I commit myself to stop all backchat by applying myself consistently  - in remaining uninvolved with my thoughts.

If and when I cannot remember names and I feel embarrassed for this,
I stop and breathe,

I realise that I must accept that this is how I have programmed myself and that I can change this program by taking responsibility.

I commit myself to take responsibility for changing how I have programmed myself so that I can function from the starting point of what is best for all.

If and when I recall numbers and react energetically,
I stop and breathe,

and realise that I have programmed myself in this way, and that I can recall numbers without the energetic charge.

I commit myself to stop all energetic charges involved in recalling numbers.

If and when I must recall numbers,

I stop and breathe

and realise that feeling superior because I can recall numbers well is a delusional state.

I commit myself to stop myself from being delusional.

...to be continued. 

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