Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 302 - Remembering Numbers Versus Names pt1

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Problem:
Today, I was talking with my father over the phone. At some point in response to an arrangement with me he said: "you know I cannot remember the names, they go off in smoke before I can keep them in my head, numbers on the other hand I can remember very well".

I always wondered why it is so difficult for me to remember names but rather easy to remember numbers. When I was a young person, I used to remember every telephone number. Still to this day, it's rather easy for me to remember all kinds of numbers. I am quite thrilled, not in an energetic way, but rather from a point of relief, that this pattern revealed itself and I get to walk it now.

Thus, I am now ending this pattern of being an ace in remembering numbers but crap in remembering names. I am disconnecting the relationship with this pattern, and I remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with the belief that it is easy for me to remember any number(s) and difficult for me to remember names.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situations where I need to remember names because I have programmed myself to believe that I cannot remember names well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reading names that I need to remember and because I fear this, I glance over the letters or the sound of a name completely in the fog of my mind so that I cannot see or hear the name and therefore remain true to my belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that none of my techniques for learning names has worked in the past and will never work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am in a situation where I need to remember someone's name and I fail to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remembering names and have therefore justified the utility of remembering numbers because remembering numbers comes easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remembering names and therefore try to hide myself from situations where I have to remember names because I fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remembering names and feel embarrassed when I am in a situation where I don't recall someone's name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remembering names and have often considered this a personal handicap, never realising that this is 'just' a program which is not real and I can stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remembering names and have blamed my mother for it because of the way she has taught me language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear language because I have programmed myself with the belief that I cannot remember names well.
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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Day 301 - Desire and Collaboration pt3

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Here I am following up the posts on days 292 and 297 with self-commitment statements about a pending collaboration to which I reacted with anger.

Reward:

When and if I am accessing the patten where I desire to collaborate for a project and I get all excited when a possibility opens up,
I stop and breathe,
I realise that through my excitement I am creating expectation about how the collaboration with my collaboration partner should unfold.


When and if I am accessing the pattern where I desire to collaborate for a project and I project into the future how the project is going to evolve,
I stop and breathe,
I realise that there is no way of knowing what will come of it and that it all depends on the team work and many other factors that I cannot fathom in my mind.


When and if I am accessing the pattern of desiring collaboration,
I stop and breathe,
I realise that I make creativity dependent on a another because I don't trust myself.


When and if I am accessing the pattern of desiring collaboration,
I stop and breathe,
I realise that this desire is me wanting to be creative and me limiting myself within my creative expression. 



When and if I am accessing the pattern of desiring collaboration,
I stop and breathe, 
I realise that I don't want to take responsibility for my creative expression. 



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Day 300 - Desiring Gratitude pt3

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Self-commitment statements on the previous two posts.

When and if I see myself accessing this pattern of desiring gratitude when I recognise that my partner has become self-sufficient with a certain skill set where I was involved in teaching the basics,

I stop and breathe,

I realise that if I desire gratitude I want to be superior to him and in doing so I want to separate myself from him.

When and if I see myself accessing this pattern of desiring gratitude from my partner when I realise that he does not need my help any more because he as become self-sufficient in the skill that he was learning,

I stop and breathe,

I realise that i want to hold on to the teaching because I have created a self-definition around teaching that fits with the picture I have of myself.

When and if I see myself accessing this pattern of desiring gratitude from my partner, when he has learned a skill that we have been working on together,

I stop and breathe,

I realise that I want to keep my ego alive by feeding it with recognition which I could get from the gratitude of my partner.

When and if I see myself accessing this pattern where I desire my partners gratitude not only for some skill that he obtained because I taught him the basics, but in general - when I want him to appreciate me,

I stop and breathe,

I realise that all desire for gratitude and appreciation is basic luck of self-trust and the need to get confirmation about being a valuable person from the external world, and thus this pattern is only one piece of a greater pattern of needing approval from the world around me to approve of myself.
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Day 299 - Desiring Gratitude pt2

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Here I am continuing on what I wrote in my previous post.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this point of wanting gratitude from my partner for what I have taught him is like a symptom of a greater pattern where I still hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can stop my mind without getting to the core of this pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of pride when I see that my partner has obtained the skill I have taught him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this pride is to do with me drawing on his accomplishment to confirm my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to give of myself unless I can get something back that confirms my ego, in support of the self-definitions and the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need recognition for my work by the system and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this desire for gratitude is part of a greater desire for recognition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how the need for recognition and the picture I have of myself hang together - although I realise that in my case it is to do with the lack of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realise that self-trust is at the core of the desire for recognition yet, within this I am only allowing myself partial realisations on the topic which keeps me cycling within this program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that when I get recognition there is a temporary relief from the belief that I am a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go hunting for recognition because I want momentary relief from the thoughts by which I define myself and which in essence are self-critical and self-diminishing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-diminishment as my ‘normal’ state, not realising that this is a program that runs in all beings and that I / we have accepted as me/us from childhood because we have created a monetary and economic system of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can change the illusion I have of myself. 
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Day 298 - Desiring Gratitude pt1

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Problem:

I have noticed a pattern that when I see that my partner has achieved a skill that I thought him - say over several months - I desire for him to be thankful. Now, I remember that my mother used to do this to me, she used to express her desire for gratitude indirectly with a blame statement. I entered this game by refusing her my gratitude as i reacted to the blame - and I would react internally to her demands with anger. Similarly, in my relationship I desire gratitude from my partner for having taught him certain skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that my partner has learned a skill that I have been teaching him, and to react to this realisation with the desire for gratitude on this part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when the teaching is over I have nothing else to hold on to and therefore I want to be able to hold on the gratitude that he shows me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this ‘desire’ for gratitude that i experience are the strings by which we bind ourselves to others, and create obligation and limitation for the sake of the relationship and what this person represents to our lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that having this desire is helping me to see how I have programmed myself in my relationship with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this program of wanting gratitude negatively because I see that this is me wanting recognition and wanting to have some ego strokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my anger against my mother and have a memory exist within me where my mother is blaming me that I do not show any gratitude for her efforts and me having this contracting sensation in my solar plexus area.
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Monday, March 11, 2013

Day 297 - Desire and Collaboration pt 2

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In this post I continue what I started to write about on day 292


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to establish a responds in my mind - to the person I was intending to collaborate with - I vent my anger indirectly over their non-responsive communication style, instead of looking at my self-responsibility why i experience myself in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate myself through the statements I am going - and that I have already formulated in my mind -  and thus I do not really want to collaborate but want to impose my way of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resentment because my collaborator does not respond with commitment to the situation and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that S wants me to treat him in the way that he expects women to treat him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat in how i am going to address the situation instead of breathing and opening up communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have an opportunity to stop me from wanting to control my environment, and stop myself from making a decision out of desire and instead of evaluating the practical reality that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by suppressing myself instead of forgiving the anger I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t know how to best deal with this situation, so that my behaviour and my decisions are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations within myself instead of breathing here and taking on my self rather than placing expectation on someone else, who I do not really know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a crutch instead of directing myself and consider any potential collaboration only as that - a potential.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to find a reason why S is not responding to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fix my power on an external element instead of trusting in myself and in my power to move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not done self-forgiveness on this particular desire, which is the subject of the collaboration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to my desire instead of seeing the practical implications of the collaboration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to recreate a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use my mind to understand the overall situation and the pattern I have created within it not realising that this is my sabotage tactic so that I don't have to a) do SF on the desire and b) can suppress the disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have invested myself into a particular desire so that I block my self-trust and common sense. 



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Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day 296 - The One-Day Depression Pattern pt 2

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This post is a continuation from my previous post. Here I am detailing the self-commitment statements.

Reward:

When I walk the self-correction of this pattern -

I commit myself to actively work towards ending this pattern by first of all focus on breathing when the thoughts come up.

I commit myself to write you what happened in the morning of that day, the same day, right after waking up so that I can investigate the trigger to this pattern.

I commit myself to finding the trigger of this pattern and stop it.

I commit myself to cease the opportunity for self-change as it is evident that this pattern surfaces because I have a significant opportunity to stop a programmed behaviour.

I commit myself to push myself past my accepted limitation when the pattern surfaces and I believe that I cannot stop.

I commit myself to show myself that I care of myself and stop abusing myself with the one-day pattern of depression that I accept as being me.

I commit myself to arrange myself in such a way that I am able to take time out for writing when needed.

I commit myself to pay attention to how feel in my body to identify any movement of pain or feeling unwell and stop suppressing my physical self.

I commit myself to end this pattern and not give up. 


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