Friday, March 1, 2013

Day 286 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 4

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I continue from last post....


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret wish, an imagination, in how I would speak about myself to others if I could be completely free and uninhibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the most eloquent and flawless speeches in my head and believe that I can speak them, however when I get into a situation where I could speak to others and I am given the time and space, I cannot speak and express myself the way I imagined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire others who are able to effortlessly and easily convey complex issues by explaining them verbally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed my writing skills to compensate for my speaking skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when I speak because I read in the faces of my audience as dislike, boredom and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I do speak the way I want to, the faces of my audience light up and are interested and curious and want me to speak more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine one day a lot of people are going to listen to me, not realising that I am the one who does not listen to herself and I am the one who condemns her ideas and understanding to not be worthwhile pursuit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can trust what I say because I say it as lived experience, when in reality I doubt myself and feel insecure about what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing is my weapon to make up for my failure in speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and afterwards realise how much better I could have expressed what I wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to listen to me and get disappointed when they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself out of this fear of speaking, to want recognition for what I have to say because I cannot recognise what I say my self for my self therefore I want others to do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time-looped on this topic because I did not have enough self-trust to go deeper and into the issue, to release the relationships, and only realise with this series of posts another angle on how I have programmed myself to fear speaking.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the memories of when I was a small child and was told to shut up and I imagine how I would have countered the situation, what I would have said because I want to end this self-limitation not realising that this is my mind in retaliation mode because I believe that my parents were abusive to me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to be free from this program, I must be equal to myself and the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when I have spoken and I have judged that what I have said as inadequate and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and  physically experience a sensation as if my whole body is being sucked into itself and will disappear in nothingness. 
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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Day 285 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 3

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I continue from the previous post...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, when I am in conversation with someone, as less than the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the other person who I am in conversation with and have no reference point as of yet about the personality that is most suited to be conversing with this person, and therefore I am insecure because I am trying to figure out how I need to react to the person so that they like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must react and respond to a new conversation partner with a personality, one that is most suitable for the situation and person I am dealing with, to ensure my survival in the sense that I can have the person on my side and have a potential resource for whatever I might need in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing the right personality is how I must to relate to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory reside within me and hold onto it, where I am a small child and I am not allowed to speak, where my mother tells me to shut up and not open my mouth again, because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother reside within me and hold on to it, where I am a small child and I am not allowed to speak, where my mother tells me to shut up and to not open my mouth again because I am a child and I have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger when I retrieve these memories, whereby I realise that I have suppressed these memories but have instead programmed myself with the belief that I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I have not taken responsibility for the program but remained in the victim role - where I am still living the life of the child that shuts up because the mother said so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to be embarrassed for what I say because I have created a belief that what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with strong emotions within my solar plexus after I have spoken because I fear that what I have said is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with strong emotions within my solar plexus after I have spoken and thus seek to speak again, quickly after, to cover up my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself as response to repeatedly being told to shut up that I have nothing worthwhile to say to anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on self-trust because as I child I exchanged self-trust for the belief that what I say is worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself sitting in the car with my family and my mother talks and when I try to say something, my mother turns around and tells me to shut up and within this situation I am reacting with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of myself with my family in the car, and me reacting with fear to my mother as she turns around and yells at me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance and humiliation within the memory of my mother turning around in the car and telling me to shut because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance, and humiliation by defining worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance, and humiliation within the memory of my mother turning around in the car and telling me to shut up because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance and humiliation are here as me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory inside of me where I am sitting at the family table eating lunch or dinner, and want to say something and as I speak my mother is telling me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother telling me to shut up at the table when the all family members are there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother telling me to shut when many of my relatives are present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in a group because I have imprinted myself with the memory of my mother telling me to shut up in a number of situations, and each time the memory that I have entails the members of my family, therefore others when I want to speak and am told to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and humiliation each time my mother tells me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed many words and ideas because I feared that they were not worthy of being spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on speaking because I do not want to face my fear within the belief that what I say does not have value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to shut up because I believed my mother when she said that what I say is useless and stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses, for having programmed myself to believe that what I say is BS, so that I can blame my mother for having abused me as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imprinted the pictures of my mother telling me to shut up, and have constructed personalities from these pictures, which are the programs I pull out when I am meeting someone for the first time, and I have assessed that this person can be a potential resource in my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an inferiority towards my parents because I depended with my survival on my parents and have therefore programmed myself to cater to my parents so that I can ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother blackmailing me “if you don’t do that ....you don’t get this” wherein I realise that I programmed myself to believe that if I don’t have my parents support, I have no support and I will die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself as a child with the belief that no one would help me besides my parents, and therefore that I was totally on my own if I needed help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created self-judgement because I believe that this will ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as a resource for my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taught myself to very quickly assess if someone is useful as resource in my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach people, who I have assessed as having no role in ensuring my survival, in a relaxed manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach those who I deem important in maintaining a beneficial relationship I create internal stress when dealing with that person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  - when I meet someone new, who can be beneficial to my survival - to have thoughts come up which centre on predicting the words, gestures and ideas, that will enable me to fit with the person’s worldview. 
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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day 284 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 2

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I continue "The Solution" that I started to write out in the previous post. The Solution is always Self-forgiveness.


To recap the problem that I am addressing here: it is one that I face when I am reacting to another's facial expression in order to adjust, adapt, or modify my behaviour and within that create self-judgement and self-condemnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative facial expression of another, not realising that the "negative facial expression" interpretation that I have automated stems from my childhood, just before I would be yelled at or reprimanded for not having been a 'good' kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trained myself to read my parents facial expression to be ready for what would be coming my way, so that I could effectively protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the limitation of not trusting myself but trusting into the facial expression of another is self-created and can be stopped by self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses why I have installed a program that reacts to facial expression and diminishes myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that everyone around me will carry a negative facial expression and that I will not be able to stop taking everyone else' facial expression personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical reaction to another’s facial expression, so that when I interpret another’s facial expression as negative, I can experience in my solar plexus area
 a sensation of heaviness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in polarised behaviour to other's facial expression with either a 'light' feeling in my body, or a 'sinking' feeling that overcomes me - whereby the latter triggers thoughts that look to close the negativity loop by focussing on myself again and analysing my behaviour to identify flaws.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see in every person around me my parents because I realise that it was through the relationship I formed with my parents that I have programmed myself to analyse, interpret, react and trust another's facial expression as a feedback to my behaviour. 


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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Day 283 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 1

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Problem:

When I am in situations where I am new to the context and the people, specifically the people, I react by reading someone's face, that is, my level of security or insecurity rises depending on how I interpret another's facial expression when they are in conversation with me. When I consider this fact I am quite amazed on the obvious assumptions that are being made here - how could I possibly know or understand someone else' facial expression when I am not even aware of my own facial expressions. Granted, there is plenty of research that says that we are able to interpret emotional states, however I still see that each individual interprets facial expression relative to themselves and the programs they allow to 'feed of' from the interpretation. This is obviously a feedback loop to avoid to take self-responsiblity and act within self-trust. I have to learn to interact without orienting myself on my external world.


Solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know someone else' face and facial expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can make assessments of someone else' facial expression to which I should and must tune myself in my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people actually understand each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative facial expression states of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away and let someone else determine how I feel inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others and therefore make my default reaction to another's facial expression self-diminishing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will embarrass myself if I don't read another's facial expression correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my conversation partner will not accept me and thus I monitor the facial expression to gauge my answers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other person as unknown entity which may present a potential harm in someway and therefore I have programmed to react by reading another's facial expression, and find security in my interpretations. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 282 - Mood isn't who I am pt.3

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Commitment statements on the days 280 and 281.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that any moodiness or feeling of heaviness is an indicator for further investigation.

I commit myself to stop myself when I have emotions of anger rising within me and take the opportunity in that moment to act within the responsibility to walk my process and breathe deeply.

I commit myself to stop polarised behaviour where I either suppress anger or express anger depending on who is around me.

If and when I am in the situation where I experience myself as getting angry, I immediately stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to look at the situation to which I reacted in anger in fine detail and look to understand my program thorough writing myself out.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when I have missed an opportunity to walk a point, which is how I give myself permission to get angry at myself.

I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can better understand when I am getting angry.

I commit myself to expose all my anger to myself, step-by-step and breath-by-breath.

I commit myself to slow myself down to better see how I blame my environment for how I exprience myself.

I commit myself to stop my stubborn behaviour by holding onto my anger because I believe that I have a right to be angry.

I commit myself to stop believing that any event in my life justifies getting angry.

I commit myself to walk the anger point until it's done. 
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Monday, February 25, 2013

Day 281 - Mood isn't who I am pt.2

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I continue from last post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that heaviness is inverted anger where I have suppressed my anger instead of placing my reaction in front of me through writing, so that I see how I have programmed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that anger is an opportunity for me to free myself from ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that me not getting overtly angry does not make my anger go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and cause a reaction within myself which is heavy and moody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in constant judgment of my environment to which I react in anger if what I judge does not correspond with my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I need to stop the judgement as the first instance in the chain of the events that lead to the experience of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I bring moodiness and heaviness unto myself because I live the reaction towards my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to my environment with suppressed anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for deleting my ego which is holding me back from being here in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that even suppressed anger motivates my actions in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that keeping my composure is a sign of strength and control and thus I have trained myself to suppress anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is better to channel my anger outward in some manner, instead of keeping it inside, not realising that this was a belief I learned from the therapy community.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without anger and moodiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that anger is showing me the relationship I have to myself because that becomes the reference point which determines to what external stimuli I react in anger. 
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