Thursday, February 21, 2013

Day 280 - Mood isn't who I am pt.1

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Recently I have noticed how I am developing "a gloomy" mood. I can pinpoint when this feeling arises and the thoughts that follow from it. I am now in the position of stopping it, the mood, by stopping the thoughts. I am not yet in the position of actually "seeing" what the initial, triggering thoughts look like which is why I am writing this out here. What exactly 'brings' on this heaviness, where does it come from?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as a struggle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must push myself to participate in various activities because they are good for advancing myself in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life in 'my corner' where I am not interacting - as much - with others is the ideal place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare all other situations to the one of me "in my corner" where I am just by myself working, writing, or doing whatever with myself without interaction with the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being comfortable in what I am doing is an indication of being "at home" with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "at home" with myself is a real place not realising that this is a program I have accepted as me, a program I have used to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity within myself to use fear and non-movement to keep myself trapped in a program that 'feels better' than everything else I perceive myself as having to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid change by wanting to go into the "mood" where I don't want to participate in the world and want to stay within my world because I believe that this is the better place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "where" I am and "how" I am in the world is either good or bad, or some type of effort or no effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am putting an effort out there to "make" my life and focus on solutions that I am doing to be a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life constantly judging my activities as good or bad, or effortless or full of effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarisation and to evaluate how I move in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother telling me that she did not get enough done in one day, and that she is always playing catch up with what has to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined achievement, struggle, effort and perseverance within the memory of my mother telling me that she did not get enough done in one day and that she's always playing catch up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that achievement, struggle, effort, and perseverance are here as me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to have a reason to feel good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my reasons for feeling good or bad are valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a reason to feel and emote.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who I am if I don't feel or emote.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the value of life to feeling and emotions. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 279 - Ending the effects of physical restraint as childhood experience

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This post describes the self-commitment states I will be walking to end the program of reacting to situations where I am unable to move physically the way I intend to.

If and when I am in a situation where I can’t move the way I want to or I intend to, I calm my self down through breathing, and I accept that I can’t move the way I want to at the moment. Once I am calm, I move myself by looking at all the options I have in directing the situation.

I commit myself to slow myself down, and breathe, and in doing so stop all feelings/emotions of panic.

If and when I am in a situation where I am physically restraint for whatever reason, I stop fearing that someone is doing this to me and realise that I choose to blame someone else for my experience.

I commit myself to stop blaming my environment for my experiences of fear when I am in a situation where I am unable to move physically the way I want to.

I commit myself to take responsibility when I am in a situation of physical constraint.

If and when I realise that I want to excuse my behaviour by accepting that my childhood was abusive, I stop myself and see, realise and understand that I am an equal participant in this world regardless of my age and capacity to interact with the world. 

I commit myself to let go of my childhood experiences and stop the programming I have accepted as me in response to the treatment I experienced in my immediate environment.

If and when I want to accuse my mother of having been abusive, I stop myself and see, realise and understand that I still hold anger against her and that it is my responsibility to release all anger because anger is an indication for self-dishonesty. I commit myself to give myself the gift and stop all anger.

I commit myself to stop blaming my mother for my experiences and realise that my participation in making the world they way it is, is beyond this life time and that the innocence of a child is an illusion because behind every child’s body are millions of years of abuse. 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Day 278 - The effects of physical restraint in childhood

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I realised that one of my deep programs is to react to situations where I am being physically restrained. After walking the stressed character which I started on day 233 and walked until day 257, I saw some definite changes when I enter situations that require me to act fast. However, I also saw that whenever someone is physically in my way, there is an instance "panic" I experience.

An example for such a situation is riding to the train station on my bike, and as usual I have to make sure I get there on time. When someone blocks my path, such as another cyclist who cycles in front of me on the narrow cycle path and does not move after I have indicated with my bell that I need to pass, I experience this "panic".

What is interesting is that because I have walked this character over 24 days, I am now in the position to see these deeper levels of stress patterns that I have accepted as me. This particular stress pattern is directly related to my childhood. As a toddler I very much enjoyed running around much to the dismay of my mother. In the end she physically restrained me through a harness. I also had a bed with big metal bars. In response to this situation I created a program which is what I now experience as panic when I encounter situations where I cannot move the way I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I believe I cannot physically move the way I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to physically move but believe that I cannot make myself heard to get a response from another so that I can move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to physically move but I cannot effectively communicate with someone because I believe that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to move physically and I am unable to receive a response from another, I therefore experience myself as a victim.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I judge that my well-being is being diminished by another’s physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I believe that someone is “standing in my way” by generating anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I judge another’s presence as a threat to my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself being a small child and really enjoying to run around and my mother chasing after me and “containing” me so that I had to stand still when all I wanted was to run around, feeling my legs and spreading my arms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry in situations where my mother did not want me to run around, therefore she ran after me and held me down with all her might, and me feeling upset and scared because she screamed at me, and told me to stay in one place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child having to wear a harness and every time I wanted to run and feel my legs and arms that harness was jerking me back, and I was reacting with frustration, anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child, I am restrained in my crib and i experience myself as physically limited because the metal bars are very high and I cannot get out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from myself in reaction to my parent's physically restraining me, and have programmed myself to panic when I perceive the danger that someone is going to physically hold me back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define danger and entrapment within the memories of my childhood, and all the manoeuvres my mother did to physically restrain me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from danger and entrapment through defining danger and entrapment in the memories of my childhood, and all the ways my mother physically restrained me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child where I am exploring the drawers and cabinets in the house and my mother getting very upset with me and angry, because she does not want me to look into her drawers and cabinets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory where I am an teenager and experience myself in frustration because my mother keeps her closets and her room looked and me feeling restrained, rejected, frustrated and angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from restraint, rejection, frustration and anger because i have defined restraint, rejection, frustration and anger within them memories of my mother and the physical restraint I experienced in my relationship with her as a child and a teenager.
[Continue reading...]

Day 277 - Coughing and emoting - commitment statements

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Here are the self-commitment statements from my last post.

I commit myself to stop myself from letting my emotional distress take over, which then manifests as cough.

I commit myself to stop myself from believing my thoughts about stress and feeling trapped, and to breathe immediately if and when I am getting close to emotional distress, especially when I believe I need to reflect on my situation - instead I write out what I want to reflect upon, to prevent myself from going into my mind.

I commit myself to contemplate my situation only in writing and stop all random thoughts.

I commit myself to monitor my breathing, so that I become aware when my breathing pattern changes.

I commit myself to proactively create a situation that counteracts the consequences that I have created, and I do so in support of myself, and within that I stop myself from believing that I am trapped and can no longer change my situation.

I commit myself to push myself and change what I am doing if I have triggered myself to experience myself as trapped, and within that I move myself physically and stop all thoughts.

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Day 276 - Coughing and emoting

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I had a very bad cold not too long ago. During this time I also experienced some emotional distress, self-inflicted of course. The emotional stress was a build up due to a self-created situation of consequences that I am walking for some time now.

One night not to long ago, after the cough was already gone and briefly after I had experience the emotional distress pattern that I did not stop right away, I began coughing out of the blue. Interesting, in that moment I could see how I had connected the two, the emotional pattern and the cough, since they both coincided and the cough appeared immediately after I came down with my emotional pattern.

Quickly after I realised what I did and how I had programmed myself. I spoke self-forgiveness out loud and the next day I was fine. Here in this post I want to get to the last vestiges of this episode as I realise I must be thorough within my self-honesty to prevent any further development in this direction.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the feeling of distress to trap myself in the mind and create physical consequences through my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from going into emotional distress even though I know the pattern and have the choice to not go there in my thinking.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I "let it out" the emotional distress, and get upset within me, I am releasing the accumulation of energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself like a barrel that is overflowing during these moments of emotional distress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be realistic about the point that I am stressing about, and instead I go into emotional distress where I feel trapped, when I know that this feeling will not change my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i create the emotional distress to paralyse myself so that I do not make decisions that will help myself to change the situation I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a situation of self-created consequences and turn it against myself by creating a painful cough that hurts my physical body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape my self-responsibility by digging myself out of the situation, and instead i suppress myself which ends up turning into a cough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open up this point sooner, and not have already investigated how breathing, and sometimes feeling pressure on my chest, relates to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless, and accept myself as powerless so that I can create emotional stress for myself. 
[Continue reading...]
 
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