Friday, February 1, 2013

Day 262 - Train ride: don't sit next to me pt5

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In this post I am now committing myself to "walk" the changes. In other words, how I will implement the stopping of the thoughts I have detailed in the previous post.

I see, realise and understand that when I am working on the train, I am working in a public place and so I have to make adjustments to this shared space and stop expecting that people will not interfere in some way, e.g. staring at my screen. I commit myself to make adjustments working in the context of my environment.

I commit myself to accept that the environment is explosive when it comes to shared germs and realise that this is how the world is - and 'thinking' otherwise is just to keep the illusion that we function independent from each other and not as a group. I realise that individualism is a myth that has no basis in how reality functions.

I commit myself to accept that I have with my participation in this system co-created the train condition and that there is no one to blame outside from me. I realise that the way forward is to change myself so that the world can change.

I commit myself to stop acting from the point of superiority because I work on the train using a laptop.

I commit myself to stop hiding behind the language point and say things that I need to say, and stop making the excuse of not wanting to be treated like a foreigner. 
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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Day 261 - Train ride: don't sit next to me pt4

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Here I am writing out the BACKCHAT dimension of my train ride experience, a point I opened up on day 258

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the people on the train when they are staring on my screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about all the germs that are being dispersed in the air on the train.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about being repeatedly sick and maybe being exposed to too many sick people on the train.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about standing on the door as the first person in the queue to get off the train.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat on the train where I try to think of ways to keep others away from me, so that i have more space and feel comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with my backchat about judging others regarding the space they take up on the train.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how people try to tell me where I should put my backpack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how the people who are taking the train are like drones just accepting the circumstances and are still quite happy about the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat not being able to respond the way I would like to because I don’t have all the words in Flemish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about not wanting to speak French in the train, because I don’t want to be labelled as a Wallonian or a foreigner because I fear that I will be disadvantaged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the men as being pampered by the women because they actually use textile handkerchiefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about most of the people in the early train being clueless about me needing a table to put my laptop down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the train system in B collapsing one day because it is so poorly maintained. 
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Day 260 - Train ride: don't sit next to me pt3

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I have now walked the FEAR and THOUGHT dimension, time for the IMAGINATION dimension.


Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I'll figure out a way to sit far from everyone else on the train.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can judge by the way people are dressed if they are getting off early or late into my train ride.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will find the secret formula in how I secure a seat for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I don't have to run to and from the train station to make my metro connections that are so tightly scheduled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the situation will change soon and the train authorities will institute more trains to cope with the situation better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I figure out the pattern of the people who ride the train, e.g. which days are more crowded than others, and I device a work-around.



Self-commitment

I commit myself to stop imagining myself in separation from others riding the train.

I commit myself to stop imagining myself as clever person who will find a solution so that I don't feel agitated.

I commit myself to stop imagining that there is resource that I have not tapped into yet that will help me solve my problem when I realise that this is not the problem of my external world.

I commit myself to accept the circumstances of my train rides and optimise my way of dealing with them to maximise my time to work on the train. 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day 259 - Train ride: don't sit next to me pt2

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In this post I am writing about the train ride experience I outlined in the previous post. Here I am looking at the THOUGHT dimension.

Self-forgiveness statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I am totally squished in my seat and where breathing becomes a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where i am struggling to get out the train as the doors are closing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of my laptop being damaged by a person trying to squeeze through next to me, in order to get out of the seat and into the aisle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself where I am sitting on the train holding my ears shut because the person next to me won't stop talking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me lying unconscious in my seat because there is no more air in the train as the train is extremely packed with people.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me sitting in a train where I can't see beyond someone's nose, another's hair, a hand, and so forth because the train is so packed that I am literally clueless as to what is going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself where I am sitting on the train and I am tied to the chair.


Self-commitment statements

I realise that I allow myself to anticipate the train ride and in doing so I separate myself from my fellow passengers.

I realise that I am one of the people on the train that make the train crowded.

I realise that this is a problem and needs to be addressed by changing our system because the management of the train capacity, the interior design of the train, etc are all part of the scarcity in a financial system we accept and live by.

I realise that to change the system I need to change myself to stop all self-limitations such as feelings and emotions.

I realise that I can stop the pictures by breathing consistently.

I commit myself to stop anticipating my train ride and all the miserable things I expect to experience.

I commit myself to stop labelling the train ride as a miserable experience.

I commit myself to breathe and stop judgements about my experience on the train. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 258 - Train ride: don't sit next to me pt1

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I regularly take a commuter train. It's been hell, or so I perceive it. It's usually packed and usually late. In the morning, still in the dark, there is a long line of people at the platform and everyone wants to have a comfortable seat and most, like me, want to work while on the train. That's a tall order. When the train stops some "clever" ones, like myself 'haha', have figured out that there are still empty seats all the way up front of the train. So as soon as the train stops a herd of mostly men and some women will run to the front to get in first. Then they can get that comfy seat where they can pull out their laptop, newspaper, book or whatever else activity that requires use of the little table that is located between the four seats. We are talking about these kind of open plan trains where the tables are tiny and can only accommodate one person. 

As soon as one has managed to have a fairly comfortable seat because the seats are laid out in such a manner that one really needs two seats to be comfortable, the next point of friction is the next big station. Those who take this route regularly, know that the train will be flooded with more people who are all going to the same destination. Once I have a spot and I am working, nevertheless struggling with the space I have, I find myself having all kinds of reactions to the next "flood" of people - this is when I stand to loose the seat next to me which makes my corner comfortable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting a seat on the train, where I can sit comfortably and work and make the best of the time I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I have a comfy seat and I am in the flow working that at the next stop I will loose my comfort because someone will sit next to me and then it will be too tight for both of us to be comfortable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person who will sit next to me is large and will spill over into my seat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to struggle with maintaining a corner on the table because the other person is a guy who does not want to move his newspaper. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to have a pleasant train ride because I will be so squished that I can't move for the entire train ride.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am sitting across someone who has nothing to do and will stare at me the whole ride. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person next to me wears too much perfume.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that at the next stop people will sit close to me who will be talking non-stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing two or more women who want to sit together come close to my area, because then there will be much talking and noise and thus I fear that my earplugs won't be enough. 

I realise that when I stop my fear I remain.

I realise that my fear does not change the circumstances that I am encountering here. 

I realise that I must approach this point in common sense to find the best solution. 

I commit myself to stop fears about the train experience and realise that the only reason I am afraid is because I have habituated myself to identify comfort in a certain manner which I superimpose onto the situation with my expectation. 

I commit myself to stop my fears the moment the train arrives and stop my fear about what is going to happen next. 

I commit myself to walk this point until I have no fears in regards to getting a seat, having preferences about what the seat "feels" like and who is sitting next to me and what they are doing.
[Continue reading...]

Monday, January 28, 2013

Day 257 -- My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 25

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In this post I am writing the self-commitment statements for the previous day where I focussed on the self-forgiveness statements on the CONSEQUENCE dimension.

I realise that the consequence of acting under stress will end up diminishing the experience of myself and infringe on my possibility to gain access to myself by overcoming my limitations.

I realise that the consequence of the stress pattern I accept as me is a form of preoccupation which I get so wrapped up in that I no longer realise what I am creating.

I realise that the consequence of the pattern keeps me locked in and up in "my world" where I am unable to step beyond the conditioning and find out who I really am.

I realise that circumstances don't just happen to me but that they are the cascading effect that culminates in the decisions I make.

I commit myself to develop absolute consistency in stopping stress and anxiety related to time pressured projects, tasks, and schedules.

I commit myself to use common sense when making decisions about how I want to spend my time.

If and when I have stress surfacing I commit myself to stop myself within the situation, by halting my movement for just a moment and breathing, reseting myself internally, before moving on with my task.

I commit myself to stop fear outcomes when I act in the world without stress.  
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Day 256 - My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 24

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Here I am walking the last dimension, the CONSEQUENCES that I am reaping from this pattern of stress that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequences of living in fear about getting my tasks done makes me unavailable to see what is actually happening in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the quality of my work is diminished when I act from stress, which I can see when I look back on my work, no longer looking at it through the lens of stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I act from the pattern of stress, I can't assess my reality and thus I make decision based on fear and memories and not from within the situation I am currently faced with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that acting from a pattern of stress will make me furthermore available to assess and decipher when there is action for protection necessary and how it's done best, and when I am becoming over protective - which means in real terms squandering of my resources, be time and/or money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that acting from a pattern of stress takes a toll on my health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that acting from a pattern of stress causes me to not see opportunities to improve my life, and only in hindsight I see what I have missed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist within me and hold onto it where I was asked to play Frida Kahlo in a theatre production and declined from fear of myself and the stress that I would have to face in that situation, and therefore blocking for myself the opportunity to explore a different line of work and unfoldment of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define regret, shyness, and missed opportunity within the memory of being asked to play Frida Kahlo in a theatre production and declining it from fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from regret, shyness, and missed opportunity through defining regret, shyness, and missed opportunity within the memory of being asked to play Friday Kahlo in a theatre production and declining it from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that regret, shyness and missed opportunity are here as me equal and one.
[Continue reading...]
 
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