Sunday, December 8, 2013

Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1



Problem:

I have a virus that lives inside of me since I was in my late twenties. The story goes that I was quite young and inexperienced and met a guy who impressed me with his worldliness. I was not aware of his high-story and the types of involvement he had with other people. One day he came to visit me and looked a bit sick, I felt sorry for him and wanted to make him feel better by giving him affection. Of course he really liked that. Then after a while I learned that he was taking hard drugs and that that had a taxing effect on his body.

We had fundamental differences in how we related to each other but I was quite insecure about myself, so I could not see that the best thing was to call our intimate relationship off. Anyway, he managed to catch himself and today he lives in Los Angeles and is a successful chef.

What remained for me was the relationship with a virus who found the way into my body because I did not protect myself and somewhere I believed that my uncompromising physical availability was a sign of my love for this guy. Of course today, many years later, I understand that the problem was the lack of my self-value and fear of rejection, and because of these programs I was willing to sabotage my own health. Heck, I could have contracted HIV, but I fortunately did not.

The virus though is here to stay and while I have tried to get rid of ‘it’ it seems much stronger than any homeopathic remedy, or other alternative meds I have taken to shake 'it' out of my body.

Mostly, it’s the pain and unpredictability when it appears that affects me the most because when ‘it’ shows up in form of little blisters on my mouth, more often than not it has been in crucial situations, such as me giving a presentation or meeting new people I network with, or I travel somewhere important. Lately it’s been like clockwork, whenever I was due to meet some important engagements where I 'had' to be physically present, meaning the picture I had to present had to be impeccable, the virus showed up.

So during the last episode where, once again, I had to present myself to approximately 40 people, I stood there with a swollen and deformed lip and afterwards I decided to take responsibility for this uninvited guest living in my body.

This series is dedicated to my virus, where I release and let go of all associated dimensions that hold our relationship in place in it's current form, and I open myself to stand equal and one to this virus, taking responsibility for myself and for 'it' as part of my physical existence.


Fear Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting blisters on my mouth and to go out of my way to find methods and ways to eliminate the blisters as quickly as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others because I consider the blisters on my mouth as a stigma which repels others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not like me because I carry a virus and that they see me as a danger because of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the virus in my body because I believe that the virus wants to harm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot control when the virus decides to show itself, in form of blisters on my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the virus because I don’t understand how my mind/thoughts are related to the virus’ presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being rid of the virus and that having the virus live in my body contributes to dying faster than if I were living without the virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the virus causing wounds on my skin will create scars when the wounds heal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the truth why and when the virus shows itself.

2 comments:

  1. I had a friend that had this. I gave him some raw honey mixed with raw coconut oil to apply on the sore. It healed the sore faster, and the scab that eventually closed the blister did not show up, it just became pinkish and disappeared.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting, thanks for mentioning - I have not tried this one yet.

      Delete

 
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