Sunday, December 1, 2013

Day 460 - Justifications and professional survival pt2





Here I continue with what I started in my previous post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this professional connection with Z like a point of consumption based on the desire to establish a two-way connection with Z because I believe then my life will be better, then I can secure my survival - whereby I am not realising that I am moving myself from a negative state, a perceived lack, towards the goal of fulfilment and the perception of a positive state of being. Thus, I forgive myself to move myself from the point of negativity in the search for positivity and therefore continuing the mind-consciousness cycle of preprogrammed existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to the point that Z represents in my life but instead desire to transform the point, so that it is to my advantage - even though this perceived advantage is a illusion because there is no concrete "work" outcome that I could point to if I were to have a mutual communication channel with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to go into the opposite direction, of wanting to connect with others in my field whereas in my previous work relationship I was trying to distance myself from others - because I operated from negative judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to relate to the situation with Z from a childhood pattern where I built up desires about the things I knew I could not have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resentment within myself where I want to react to Z in revenge. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project that Z can save me in relation to collaborative proposal writing - where I am convinced that through him I can succeed in getting a proposal accepted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an academic partner with whom I am secure in writing a proposal because I don't believe that my supervisor is sufficiently competent to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, in that I trust that I will find and mobilise enough resources to be sure that I submit a proposal with the highest possibility of being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to the act of proposal writing and allow myself to be inferior and thus look to others - such as Z - as saviours in this situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extend my experience of being "not enough" into my professional environment. 

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