Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 459 - Justifications and professional survival pt1




I am continuing with another situation, also related to work. I work in a lab that is going through a big transition phase. The people who were there before and are now finishing their contracts, all of them have a totally different background than me - meaning the transition phase is moving the discipline of the lab into a new direction. I was hired to get the new direction off the ground. However, within the larger centre there are two other groups which work on topics related to my field.

Research in general is highly collaborative and many activities are done together with others. This is difficult in my case because I am a one person show, the others in my group are not interested in what I do - they are students - and they are on their track to get their theses finished. Understandably. The groups whose discipline I share do not talk to me much and keep their distance. This is due to some political situation that I am not privy to but I have been told it has to do with the history of the lab.

Be it as it may, the situation that I am facing is that I would like to connect and therefore I make all kinds of efforts to hook up with these people to share what I can. While they readily take, for example, they come to seminars that I organise I am unable to establish a link that goes both ways. Today was one of those days again, I tried to establish a link after the seminar where I had a guest speaker. In particular there is one guy I would like to talk to for the purpose of sharing and collaboration.

He's got a polite way of keeping me at an arms length, and I fall in process because I react in frustration. Today I am taking the first steps to figure out what my beliefs are around this point and what is going on with me that I believe that I must at any cost find people at the uni to connect with for my professional survival.

Problem:
I am unable to connect to my peers due to a political situation at the uni, which causes them to stay away from the lab I am part of and I want to connect because I believe that my professional survival is at stake if I cannot collaborate with my peers.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run after Z because I believe that the relationship with him is beneficial for me and my professional goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot grow in my work if I do not have other researchers within my field around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he has information for me that I ought to know to survive at uni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to work on getting the conflict I know nothing about resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being left out and have to struggle to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the separation between the different groups in that they will cause disadvantage for my lab.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must bring the groups together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my role to bring "peace" to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Z and I have much to share which could be beneficial for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent that I have "inherited" a bad situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must fix the situation, instead of merely walking my process, slowing myself down and seeing what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an external goal rather than concentrating on being here in every moment of breath and trusting myself that I will see where I need to act to make progress within my professional life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise that if I don't stop I will become obsessed to connect with Z as a way to show myself that I have manipulative powers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have created attachment and fear of loss in relation to the being in contact with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it's about controlling the situation and not about me making a connection with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still dealing with an old pattern where I see no option to a situation other than the one that I cannot have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put the goal to connect with Z above walking process and that I am holding on to the expectations that this connection could potentially bring me. 

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