Here I continue on the series of posts related to my new living situation.
What follows picks up from here:
Day 441 - Trying to create stability in my new environment through characterisation
Day 442 - Focus on "newness" is separation - SCS
Day 443 - Old patterns in new environments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine when I step out of my room that if I run into my flatmates that I need to engage with them and that this will create a conflict within me because I want to stay with my schedule and not waste my time with small talk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I step out of my room, one of my flatmates will demand something from me and I do not want to be involved with her in this way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I am not friendly enough and manage to conduct small talk with my flatmates, I will create conflict and a unpleasant situation with them.
When and as I that I will create conflict if I don't engage with my flatmates, I stop and breathe, I realise that I use the fear of conflict to keep myself enslaved within my preprogrammed design - because I see that fear of conflict is something I created within my relationship to my parents where I hated being exposed to their conflicts. Therefore I realise that I use the fear of potentialconflict as an excuse to justify my behaviour.
I commit myself to stop using fear of conflict to keep myself from directing myself, regardless in which environment I move myself.
When and as I imagine that one of my flatmates will demand something of me, where I will have to say yes, I stop myself and breathe - I realise that I am acting from resistance and not from common sense. I commit myself to evaluate any request by anyone from common sense and stop myself from allowing my feelings/emotions to interfere.
When and as I imagine that I am not friendly enough, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that this is again a tactic to keep myself enslaved and is not more to do with self-acceptance - thus I stop self-manipulation and direct myself. I commit myself to direct myself in breathe and stop manipulating myself using 'old' patterns.