Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day 440 - Compensation mechanism revealed through a memory

This is the final post in this series:

Day 436 - Backchat causing a chain reaction of events

Day 437 - Standing up from the memory of disapproval

Day 438 - Seeking to trust because of fear of survival

Day 439 - Using backchat to justify my expectation...

Here I am working with the Reaction and Physical Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my boss when I feel insecure about myself and my performance at work, so that I compensate for my inner feeling by seeking contact with him, to calm myself down and make sure everything is still OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a behaviour dynamic based on the memory of my childhood when my parents stopped to interact with me as punishment, and I had to try to 'find out' the state of things whereby I experienced myself as if in danger, fearing that something inconceivable was about to happen where this feeling of pain and pressure lodged in my solar plexus reaching down all the way to my genitals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to writing this self-forgiveness with sadness because I have a memory coming up of how i felt in those situations with my parents where I experienced myself without value and I remember how much I suffered, and realising now that I allowed this to happen to myself - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my work with frustration and with purposelessness, where I become physically weary and move around a lot in my chair never feeling comfortable in one seating position versus another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not knowing what to do, in how to approach my work, seeking and searching for the next step, unable to direct myself and not being productive with my tasks.

Commitment statements:

When and as I am reacting to my boss, when I am inclined to find out if everything is alright by hanging around his office or finding excuses to engage him in conversation, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am acting from memory and that I am in this moment disconnected from my relationship with self. I commit myself to maintain my relationship with self continuously and stop all orientation on the external world, including my boss.

When and as the memory of how i suffered as a child comes up again, I stop and breathe, I realise that if I get sad about it I still don't stand as an equal to the memory, I realise that I did not have the tools back then and that I now have the opportunity to end the memory and take responsibility for what I have created within myself. I commit myself to establish myself within my memories as one and equal and to stop to allow memories to direct me.

When and as I am restless and not knowing what to do when I encounter insecurity in my job, I stop and breathe, I realise that I must slow myself down so that I can consider the options in how to approach my work in the best possible way. I commit myself to slow down and trust myself to find the most lucrative way to approach my work.

When and as I want to get frustrated with my work situation, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my mind and stop giving any energy towards it. I reset myself and continue to do what I was hired for. I commit myself to let go of all frustration so that I can do my work with focus on the physical aspect, supported by breathing in awareness.


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