Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Day 438 - Seeking to trust because of fear of survival




I continue writing on my experience which I laid out on day 436


After my last post, I realised that since I used the memory of disapproval to generate energetic charges within the interaction with my boss and the new work situation and moreover I realised from that if I project a memory of my father onto the situation then I see him in relation to me in the same position as I see my father. Thus, within that I see that I try to trust my boss - that I am looking for ways to confirm in mind that he's alright and that I can trust him.

Next I write out the imagination dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can please my boss not realising that this creates the approval-disapproval dynamic that I already experienced with my father and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must make a decision to stop recreating a father-child relationship within my work situation and take responsibility for myself as equal partner not allowing any justifications that there is any validity in creating the afore-mentioned type of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my boss wants the best for me as I imagined my father wanting the best for me, and thus constructing my relationship with my boss as I did with my father on the illusion of trust, because I desire to feel secure since I/we have created a world that is fundamentally build on the struggle to survive and the fears that are linked to survival, so that I want to counteract this fear with a secure place and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my relationship with my boss on the basis of the fear of survival and the polarised effect of seeking/desiring to be secure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I have figured out my boss' behaviour patterns and will know exactly how to establish myself within and from then on, I believe, I will no longer have feelings of insecurity and everything between me and him will be going smoothly.


Commitment statements:

When and as I am having imaginations where I see my boss approving and disapproving of me, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am acting from memory of my father's relationship, I do not have to re-enact this memory and I can simply stop and center myself in my relationship with self. I commit myself to remain steady within my relationship with myself when interacting with my boss, and take total responsibility as equal partner in the shared work situation.

When and as I desire to trust my boss, so that I can let myself go and stop all fear related to my relationship with him and to preserve my job, I stop and breathe, I realise that wanting to trust my boss is my deep desire to stop my fear of survival and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside of myself for security instead of trusting myself and my process to stop the fear of survival and become one and equal in all relationships.

When and as I imagine that I must figure out how my boss works to be able to have a comfortable relationship with him, I stop and breathe, I realise that I can create myself in breath as equal to him, and stop using fear to try to figure him out. I commit myself to stop the starting point of fear within the relationship with my boss and to set a new starting point of oneness and equality. 

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