I continue from my previous post. So initially I let the backchat about how I related to the presentation and the communication point with my boss direct me. This became the underpinning of my work day and created an opening for my mind so that I actually voiced some backchat in an unrelated situation, in a grocery store later on. This shows how backchat/the mind creates a momentum when there is a slight acceptance somewhere - I became unpredictable in creating unfavourable events for myself. Clearly, backchat is self-abuse.
I am able to see this web of reactions and events all linked to self-devaluing and self-limitation, originating from the memory of interacting with my father, where I see the exact parallels with my boss and how I have programmed myself within this picture/thought and interpretation thereof. Elsewhere I have released this memory already but clearly I do not stand up within myself to push through the automated limitations and self-judgements.
In the remainder of this post I will move through the other dimensions in relation to the events I have outline in the previous post.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture come up where I see my boss shaking his head with a disappointed expression or sitting at his desk engaging with the material, reticent, trying to fix my presentation so that it is to his satisfaction - and thus I allow this thought to determine how I engage with the task, to create the presentation, and therefore allow the starting point of who I am in what I do to be determined by this thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself a thought wherein I create self limitations in the production of my work because I use a thought that depicts a picture of me receiving failure 'marks' by my boss, wherein I do not realise that allowing this picture to exist within me is crippling my potential because I allow myself to work from the habituated memory of my father's disapproval of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a memory of my father to determine who I am, where I allow a thought linked to this memory because I have habituated and automated myself to use this memory, to keep myself enslaved in the automation and habituation of experiencing myself as less effective so that I generate energy - even though I have released the memory already, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up in this point of accepting competence and success as the outcomes of my work and creations, because I want to be safe and saved by my programs to avoid having to change myself.
When and as I have a picture of my boss come up where he enacts my father, shaking his head, or, I have a picture come up of my boss sitting at his desk correcting my work, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that I have accepted myself to interpret this picture as indicating that I am not good enough in what I do and that I use this interpretation to devalue myself and to diminish myself. I realise that this is entirely my own doing and I do not allow this to be so. Thus, I stop all judgement of my work and push myself to stop holding back in producing an outcome of the tasks that I am assigned that is creative within common sense which I can explain to any one who needs to hear about it - I commit myself to create a starting point of equality where I m standing equal to the task and equal to the outcome of the task.
When and as I accept the thought that I am limited in what I can produce within a task of my work, I stop myself, breathe, I reset my starting point and realise that I push myself forward, I treat the project as an opportunity for creative expression, I do not allow myself to produce the project from the starting point of "wanting to please my boss". I commit myself to cease the opportunity, to create the presentation and the ideas within it from my unlimited creative expression.
When and as I seek the comfort of habituation and the energy production that goes with it, I stop and breathe, I give myself permission to push myself beyond my limits and step out of my comfort and safety zone, while staying in awareness throughout my working process, so that I catch the moments where I want to remain safe and push myself to exit habituation and automation through the focus on breath and physical action. I commit myself to apply myself in this way throughout the entire working process.