Friday, October 4, 2013

Day 436 - Backchat causing a chain reaction of events

Today I had a tough day, not because something substantially happened. Instead, lots of little things happened. I see that whatever I perceive as having happened was my backchat that I believed to the point that it directed me. At work I found it very tedious to read through the proposals to which I have to create a presentation with innovative ideas. I even remember when I let the first backchat pass, where I mentally agreed with it - whoop! I was a stuck believer. The hours dragged on as I was reading and also nagging my boss for more info throughout the day instead of just collecting all my questions and then going to him for clarification. Once I left work I went to the grocery store where I bought some stuff and actually spoke my backchat to someone, which caused a reaction in her and then a embarrassment reaction in me. I was able to stop myself going down deeper into the rabbit hole, and managed to not judge myself further for having voiced my backchat. Once I came home I made dinner and did not realise that my online appointment was passed due, and so I arrived there late. Then, just as I was getting ready to write my post, I realised that I had forgotten my power adapter at work and thus I must return to uni after I am finished with this and fetch it. Arghhh.....

It's interesting when writing all this out I see how I caused the chain reaction because I allowed for my backchat to slip in the first instance, which creates an avalanche of effects in my reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to come up with some innovative ideas for the project and thus I allow my backchat to control my 'attitude' towards the project which determines how I take in the information that I am reading and how I relate to the project as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not producing an adequate presentation because I don't know enough about the project and I don't know what my boss imagines the presentation should do for the members of the board.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever I produce is not enough for my boss, and that this will affect my relationship with him because I believe that I will be judged based on what I produce, wherein I realise that in common sense I cannot be evaluated at this point because there simply has not been enough time for him to see how I work and what I can produce - therefore, I show to myself that I am taking the situation personal and when I look at it in reality without self-deception I see it's about me believing that I am not good enough for the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to disappoint my boss' expectation about what I can produce for the project and that this causes me to experience myself as being disappointed about myself where I create myself in self-victimisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know how to best address my boss so that I can get valuable feedback because my current approach does not work, and instead of systematically figuring out how to elicit the 'feedback' information that I need from him, I resign myself as being incapable to do so which is me victimising myself.


When and as I fear that I won't have innovative ideas for the project, I realise that I am creating this block within myself by holding back and by not allowing myself to embrace the project passionately where I give it all I got without creating an expectation inside of me. Thus I stop myself in the moment where I begin to get heavy about it and breathe. I physically step away from my desk and walk around outside for some minutes and then come back with a reset starting point. I commit myself to stop holding myself back and to give the project all I got, steadily pushing my own limitations.

When and as I fear that I don't have enough information or know what my boss imagines for me to do a good job on the presentation, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am sabotaging myself so that I perceive a lack of something and thus I cannot create what is necessary to be created for the project to succeed. I see in common sense that I have enough material to create a first draft of the presentation and then present it for feedback. I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself in this task and uncover and release all sabotaging events.

When and as I fear that my relationship with my boss is at stake if I don't produce a good enough presentation I stop and breathe, I realise that I am creating this fear to experience myself in uncertainty and thus create energies around this point and create an uncomfortable feeling within myself. I commit myself to stop using the production of this presentation as means to make myself feel uncomfortable within myself.

When and as I fear that I disappoint my boss, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have created expectations because of my boss not communicating with me sufficiently where I have a clear outline of the job at hand and what his expectations are. I therefore create expectations within myself because I experience discomfort with him not communicating more about the requirements and what he imagines. I commit myself to stop wondering what my boss expects of me and just get the job done by pushing myself past my limits and creating a presentation that considers the situation in every way I can and then look for feedback. 


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