Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Day 434 - The morning routine pt6


I continue from my previous post...

here goes the backchat dimension.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat in my mind about my current living situation being temporary and in this way I try to calm myself down and create an attitude of 'enduring the situation'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat towards one of my flatmates where I describe her as moody, nosy and way to talkative because I do not want to have to stand up for myself and state, for example, that I must go now, but instead I develop anxiety where I stay away from her so that I do not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat regarding the living situation where I want to fall back into self-victimisation and want to convince myself that I should be feeling sorry for myself because I am new here and I should receive some concessions because of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the availability of the flat's kitchen and bathrooms in the morning because I can no longer use the bathrooms anytime as I want to as I used to when I was living with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my flatmates 'habits' in the kitchen and in the bathroom, completely overlooking my own habits and thus wanting to blame others for theirs.

commit myself to:

When and as I see one of my flatmates and I have a thought come up that wants to skew and preempt my interactions with her, I stop and breathe, I realise that I allow myself to be in a inferiorposition which I can stop by standing equal to her.

When and as I want to self-victimise and am using backchat to do so, I recognise the pattern from my past and stop. I breathe and move on.

When and as I want to listen to my internal self-talk about the bathrooms being occupied and the kitchen being too crowded, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am "measuring" my current living situation on the one I just left behind, when I was living with my partner.

When and as I want to comment on my flatmates' habits, silently in my mind, I stop and breathe, I realise that each one of us has their habits that are not necessarily liked by the others and that wanting to change others is me wanting to control the situation - and within that I realise if there is something that should be changed in common sense then I should bring it up. 


When and as I want to justify my living situation as being temporary, I stop and breathe, I realise I live moment by moment and stop all future projections. 

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