Thursday, September 26, 2013

Day 431 - The morning routine pt3- what's a decision got to do with it...?

In this post I am continuing the evolution of my "morning routine" resistances. In the previous posts I have so far walked self-forgiveness on the fears. I can see how the self-forgiveness has already supported me in making a shift within myself and letting go of the fears. Then this morning while again being the first one up and moving through the house I realised that the most prominent point is not really the fear in relation to my flatmates, the fear is about me having to face every moment I am here in physical reality, orchestrated with a symphony of door squeaks, soft cupboard slams, foot steps and so forth - and within that showing myself very clearly where I am not aligned with my breathing, consistently moving from one task to the next but where I get 'lost' for moments at the time which results in backtracks and in doing things in a cumbersome way.

It reminds me of scuba diving in a sense, because when underwater one can hear only one's own breath and all the nuances of one's breath which are normally diffused in the ambient noises of the world.

So, in this moment I recalled my conversations with Bernard, and how he mentioned many times that we have to make a decision (of who we are in every moment). I then decided that I was going to use my 'dislike' about me making all these noises in the morning and the gained awareness of my actions to benefit process. I decided that this was a 'cool point' to walk because in the end it's about every movement we make that in its origin is located in the mind and the memories from which we act in physical reality.

It also became apparent, once I made this decision, that I actually have to slow down and before running around and moving about, that I must have a clue of what I was going to do.

I will keep going with the dimensions related to this point, and here are the self-commitment statements on the fear dimension.

If and when I fear making noise because I am moving about and others are still sleeping, I stop myself from evaluating the noise level and focus on my actions, I realise that it is totally alright for me to move about in a considered manner and that the noise I make by opening doors and so forth is what it is and is part of the physical reality I live in - we all live in. I commit myself to stop self-diminishing acts that are sabotage manoeuvres to keep myself enslaved in accepting that I have less value than what is here.

If and when I fear running into my flatmates in the morning and not wanting to engage in small talk, I stop and breathe, I realise that I make my choice whether I want to talk or not, and that believing that I have to talk because otherwise there are consequences then I see that I am still concerned what other people think of me and thus I need to go deeper into understanding why I lack self-value. I commit myself to stop believing that I have to talk to satisfy that others have an acceptable picture of me.

If and when I experience anxiety when I am with others, be it my flatmates, colleagues, or people I know, I stop myself and breathe and realise that I am still believing my thoughts evaluating how people respond to me instead of centering within myself, within the pivot point of my relationship with self, and see, understand, and realise that my justifications about "some topic/deadline/issue" being so important that my anxiety is justified. I commit myself to stop the anxiety that I have accepted to be between myself and others when interacting with others.

If and when I experience this point of "not having the right to be here" which is a point I experienced since I was a child, I stop and breathe, I realise that this program was accepted by me because of my interactions with my mother and that I am now self-responsible to stop this program in all its dimensions. I commit myself to establish self-value in every breath, and every moment that I am in this physical body


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