Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Day 430 - The morning routine pt2

I am continuing from my previous post, still in the fear dimension.


The next morning I managed to push through my resistances and actually go through with my morning routine. I also slowed myself down as much as I could and saw some other points that are related.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am the first one up the noise I make by walking around the house will annoy my flatmates. I realise that a part of me has created fear because one of my flatmates has prefaced her dislike of noise in the bathroom because of the shared wall - and the other part of me fears that the noise I produce will disturb the others and produce backchat within them which will lead to resentment.

I forgive myself that I have created a memory from talking with my flatmate who told me about the noise of the bathroom and how it affects her and that I have allowed myself to create a fearbased on her words and thus have entered into a self-diminishing behaviour because I fear not getting along with my flatmates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory from years ago when I lived with flatmates when I was in school/university which was at times difficult when I voiced myself e.g. about the cleanliness in the house and which created resentment - and thus I have transferred this fear to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to instances of backtracking when I go through my routine in the morning, which is when I have to go repeatedly from one room to the next because I forgot something. I realise that the noise level of the corridor and me being the only one up going around the house causes me to be aware of how many times I open and close doors, so that when I forget to bring something from one room to the next, I realise that I am backtracking because I am not grounded in real-time breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my useless, backtracking movements because I am not here in the moment since in my new living environment many tools/things are stored in my room which was not the case when I was living with my partner, and because I have a resistance and backchat to having to 'assemble' my life daily in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like locking the door to my room because it makes me feel alienated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret locking my room as 'disintegration and separation', not realising that it is the best for all, given the context of the house, and not seeing that I am passing judgement  in superiority.

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