Sunday, September 15, 2013

Day 423 - The surprise design pt1



Two days ago I was eating lunch in passing. I was kind of walking around the lab because I did not want to sit in front of my computer and eat but also could not spend much time on taking a break. I wanted to get done eating and go back to work. We had a deadline. I was still chewing and salad leaves were stuck between my teeth as I walked to the kitchen to get some coffee. Unbeknownst to me, I walked straight into a group of men with high-end positions at my work, they were standing in the kitchen having coffee and talking. I had not formally met them yet. I was taken aback. I was surprised and some of my "insecure" mannerisms resurfaced. Interesting. I have not seen these for a while. It was just for a moment that this point of embarrassment surfaced and I remembered to breathe and stop it. So I did.

The moment stuck with me, and following this incidence I was allowing backchat such as "wow, why did this happened -  I did not see this one coming". Yesterday I listened to a Quantum Self-awareness interview from Eqafe where Sunette talks about the spider and the "surprise" personality. I then realised what happened. The effect of entering into the kitchen which I expected to be empty of people, or at least just not be stacked with heads of research groups, I reacted to the unexpected because I was not in control of the situation, it did not match up with my projection/plan of what was going to happen, i.e. empty kitchen. Because I had build up a point about these people I ran into, I then reacted with embarrassment and insecurity since I also had to speak and reveal that I was still "eating" lunch i.e. salad leaves between my teeth. 

In addition to this 'negative' surprise, the positive variant is equally 'mindful' and will be included into my self-forgiveness.

The surprise personality - here it goes....


Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught off-guard by others because then I cannot control the situation and prepare myself to respond in the for me appropriate manner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my fear of not responding in the appropriate manner, is really me being afraid of not responding as a inferior person because I realise that if these men would have been low-level researchers I would not have cared about my response to them in the same way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others who are in higher positions at my work because I fear losing my job, as I see them in the position to secure my job or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I am not prepared for a situation that I will end up losing a part of me, because I might expose myself in a way that does not fit within my self-definition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unexpected situations because I do not what to stop suppressing myself and when I am responding to unexpected situations, especially where I have vested interest, I fear that I will expose myself to myself and thus reveal the points that I am suppressing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in this particular situation that I leave a "bad" impression and that this will create a disadvantaged position for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the mind always protects itself and that if I have been surprised in the moment I entered into the kitchen means that I was not aware of my breath and thus stuck in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have committed myself firmly to stop suppressing myself and to expose my points to myself so that I can face them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow social manners to control me because I was immediately thinking about the salad leaves showing in my teeth as I was speaking, and thus I was speaking with pursed lips. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that "leaving a good impression" means I stay true to my design/program instead of breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people think because I still believe that what I think in my mind that people think of me is true/accurate and thus I still believe my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can never ever predict what people think and that whatever I project as what people think is a way to enslave myself and to produce energy through fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a surprise situation because I believe that this means that situation is more than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that positive surprises are not what I want, similar to gifts I used to get that I did not want. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot react fast enough in surprise situations and do the required thing, e.g. introduce myself to others, or as in 'positive' surprise situation show sufficient appreciation to the person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention that I am getting when I am in a surprise situation because I believe that I have to perform instead of being here in breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear surprise situations because I believe that I cannot slow myself down to see, realise and understand the situation. 


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