Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Day 421 - The environmental change challenge pt6

After coming back from my hostel stay on the weekend, I made a decision to not fear any development that will take place concerning the flat but to focus, or better, to refocus on finding an alternative to living with R and F because I realised that much of what I have accepted in my interactions with both of them was based not only on my fear of not having a place to go to at the end of the month but also on fearing that if I were to cancel my arrangement with them I would have to face their wrath. The latter point emerged from the initial conversations that R had with me when he pulled me aside to tell me that he was not happy about the fact that I did not show enough gratitude for his efforts.  I can see that I had already created a memory from that and reacted in fear of a potential repetition of a similar scenario. 

On Monday morning I had a plan. I was going to go to HR at the university and see if there was not a change in the temporary housing for staff members, maybe something had opened up. I was going to check the website again with all the listings for housing in town. When I got to work that day, I remember that when I first arrived I had asked one of my colleagues if she knew of a room for rent, and she told me that there was a room available in her flat. I told her in response that I was only looking for a place for a month as I was planning to move in with R and F, and so I declined. On that Monday morning I asked her again, and made arrangements with her to come to the flat in the evening and check it out. 

From there everything changes. The same evening I went to see a fab flat - in every way. A high quality flat, well-situated, spacious, and incredibly inexpensive (with a cleaning lady who cleans the common spaces in the rent included) After I saw it, I told my colleague that I want that room. The next day I met with the landlord and signed the contract. I even got 5 days of rent gratis because the contract only starts on the 15th. Yesterday after signing I moved a large part of my stuff into my new room. I cancelled my pending room with R and F and also wrote to my landlady that I wanted to move out of the dormitory. 

So that's all that was necessary to go from a seemingly closed and messy situation to one which is best for all: The landlord told me that she was really happy that there was someone already wanting the room because she just got back from vacation, my roommates were happy because they perceive me as someone who wants to share and is easy to get on with, and of course I, as the person who was looking to move, I have now found a splendid place. 

This part of the test is over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my fears instead of staying in common sense and making the decision rather late to stop acting in fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still believe that my thoughts are benevolent and supportive when I see, realise and understand that they are not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for even one moment have believed that I have no option in my living scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted R's reproach as acceptable, where I could even see with insight where I can appreciate his efforts - but yet did not see that any accusation of this sort is actually an aggression and that it classifies as abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to determine who I am at any stage.


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