This weekend was marked by being the first weekend where I am away from our flat and am living in the new country with the new job, and everything new around me in every way. I met with my partner this weekend and we drove to the next border country to stay in a hostel where we would at least be able to be together comfortably in the same room. We were also checking out this town for a potential living space for us, because when we both work in the same country again, we are considering moving to the border territory because it will be much cheaper.
Many things did not work out as we had planned, and so, as travellers, we have to deal with them no matter what. For example, last night we slept in the car because we arrived too late from town, where we were able to connect to the internet and so forth. Thus, all our planning for today fell in the water because we did not leave the hostel until the afternoon, still tired from the little, uncomfortable sleep we had.
Furthermore, I met with the future landlord last week, which is the flat I am suppose to move into next month with a couple R. and F. The landlord was nice, and he also send me the original contract, which turns out to be somewhat different in what I had arranged with R. So, now I have to sit down and work out the financial details and make sure all is in written form and agreed by all parties. I see that the whole situation is quite messy at the moment and that I must create clarity first before committing myself to anything. Which means I must be able to let go of the place if I can't create clarity through agreements, which means I need to stop all fears of not having a place by the end of the month, and act from common sense, and restart my efforts to find an alternative place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be stable and the more I desire stability in my environment, the more 'unstable' elements seem to come into it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create abusive situations for myself because I act from fear and thus cannot see in common sense that I have other options.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a 'messy' situation with the upcoming room because the room is very good value for money and this creates fear of loss within me because I don't know whether I could get a place similar to this one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in confusion because I am not clear on all the financial elements for this room .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather be afraid and give up my power over myself than to get over my resistance to look for an alternative place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistances to continue looking for a place to live and thus jeopardise myself of becoming stable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep creating instability so that i don't have to face myself.