Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 419 - The environmental change challenge pt4





Here I continue on my last post - still looking into the situation of my future roommate scenario and all the programs I have activated...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate my interactions with F. because now that I have seen the similarities with her and my mother and I want to draw on mymemory to react to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to F. and then look to blame her for my reactions in that I tend to validate my backchat about her behaviour to justify my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to F. and then to create a future projection about how it will be difficult to be living in the same flat with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it will be difficult to manage the moving out point again, once I have found an appropriate place with my partner, because Ifear that F. will come with ways to communicate that I experience as drama and abusive, and that within that I anticipate reacting to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not get my deposit back because the whole situation is 'messy' and undocumented and within that I fear that if Ipresent documents that he and F have to sign there will be more drama and no agreement can be reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear that I experience every now and then about maybe not getting the room after all is due to me allowing the thought that I want to get out of the crazy dormitory situation and thus I create expectation about having the place to go to by the end of this month, which means that I am enduring the currentliving situation because I have an alternative situation to go to, and can thus overlook the craziness of the place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by defining myself based on my environment and thus when I judge my environment as negative/unacceptable then I allow myself to feel unhappy/miserable - yet, I deny these feelings by anticipating an upcoming change in my environment (that is when I move in with F. at the end of the month).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must be OK - as is - no matter what my living environment is like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up where I try to convince myself that I should not be in these living situations because I judge them as less thanme not realising that most people in the world live in subhuman conditions all of their lives and that what I am living is a temporary situation. 

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