Thursday, August 29, 2013

Day 413 - Relating to Death pt4


I continue to write on my relationship with death...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up the thought of death in my mind to render myself aware of the fragility of life and the urgency to walk my process, and within that I use my self-motivation to walk process in form of a goal I have set for myself, not realising that self-motivation is based on energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that death is the end of everything because I have equated life with the mind and thus I react to death from my mind, and have suppressed questions about death and considering death from other perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created attachment to process where I have created backchat in which I tell myself to be more disciplined because "I want to make the deadline to walk out of my mind in a timely fashion".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind's fear of dying to move and direct myself instead of using my breath in every moment and focussing on my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in caution, more now than ever before, because I believe that if I am cautious I can avoid dying any time soon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind where I tell myself: you really have to shape up now, every breath counts, no more acceptances and allowances - because with every day you'll have less time to get this process done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear barrier to my environment where I am responding to my environment with fear - for example in the crowded metro where I don't want to touch the buttons that are touched by everyone because I fear the germs, and their potential effect upon my health, and herewith I justify my behaviour:  I have a particular way of reacting from the physical (which I learned at the farm), and thus I believe that I must protect myself better although illnesses have been based on physically manifested reactions which are due to the use of my mind, and only partially due to the germs from the environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to pictures of death with a feeling of loss and regret, and generate within myself an emotional intensity by which I try to grasp the finality of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner dies before me and that I will have to face the emptiness and the void in my life without him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have visualised death as a place that is unfathomable to me and have therefore kept away from all that is death and dying yet I have romanticised about it, from the distance, by having associated myself with the Goth movement in rebellion to the powerlessness I experienced towards society and my life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to romanticise death because I thought if I stay closer to death than to life, I can harness the power of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that having been drawn to representations of death was my way of giving up on myself because this would allow me to hang out on the fringe of society, together with like-minded people who were like me worshipping attributes of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used representations of death to escape my self-responsibility, where I have been engulfed and consumed by the mystery of death so that I could give my life a focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have played with the idea of death because I felt sorry for myself and within the idea of death I found solace.

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