Thursday, August 29, 2013

Day 412 - Relating to Death pt3



Here I continue from my last post....



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture the world after I have died, and to analyse, predict and estimate what will happen to the things, projects and people linked to me whereby I allow my mind to go into alternate reality where I seek to find validation for my life, to assure myself that I have not lived a life in vain and in that I produce a feeling of satisfaction - and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my ego as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a romantic image of death in my mind which relates to the funeral procession I saw when I was a young person, which I stumbled upon when going for a walk with my aunt in a cemetery of the town we were visiting, where I saw a dead woman laid out who looked like a bride - and I was impressed by the simplicity and serenity of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a image of me dying in a peaceful manner at the end of a fulfilled life and for holding onto this image because an astrologer once told me that I am pre-programmed to have a peaceful death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an attitude and opinion about death which I show to myself by oscillating from one polar state to the next, between dismissing death in a non-chalant manner when I am feeling healthy but when I am feeling sick, I become scared of death and dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk about my near-death experiences, when I was about to die from illness as a teenager, with pride and ego where I allow myself to believe that I know what it is like because I believe that what I have experienced constitutes for almost having been dead, but I actually blow up the experience much bigger than it was because I was unconscious for a large part and I don't remember in detail what actually happened to my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to experience certain activities before I am dying and with this desire I don't realise that it is my mind that wants to experience these activities, where I am demonstrating to myself how I have created attachment to living because I realise that the physical does not have desires, as the physical can be transformed to dust and remains what it is in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stage in my mind what my death should look like where I alternate between dying by myself and dying surrounded by people I care for because I believe that dying is a special moment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moment when I make the transition from life to death as I expect that transition to be something that I have never experienced before and that I expect the experience in itself will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the stillness of the dead body of my grandmother, where I realised that all emotions, especially anger and anxiety was in vain, and did not add anything to life, yet I don't stop myself from producing anger and anxiety - even when every dead person is showing us the same stillness and serenity of the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken the mind's energy production of emotions and feelings that animate the human body as life force, when I realise that that cannot be the life force because the life force is there whether the body is still or agitated, and thus the life force is obstructed, limited, and diminished by the mind animating the body with the alternate 'current' of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of leaving behind unfinished, disorderly projects because I have programmed myself with a belief that i must leave behind a clean slate, where all aspects of my life are taken care of so that those who have to pick up on what I leave behind can benefit from having to do so and are not burdened by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall my mother speaking with admiration of my grand-aunt who had everything organised upon her death, and thus I have programmed myself to want to do the same because I want to be recognised by my mother.

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