In the recent nights I have had dreams about death and dying. The one most vividly still here with me was me observing myself lying in bed, pale, old, white hair, eyes shut. There was an ease by which I stood by my own death, I had no drama going on in the dream, it was all peaceful. I had left.
As I write this post, I realise that I have emotions come up which have to do with the finality of death, the no-return, the leaving without revisions, no undo, no second chance. The body sucked dry, in my dream, the movement of this old woman I see was nowhere to be seen. For a moment I wonder how she moved before her death, my death, was there still élan in her movement or was she slow, frail? Did she still gesture the way I gesture today or where the gestures are worn out ? I might have had all these questions in my dream as I remember standing there pondering.
I remember also looking at her face, my face, and it was genderless, it no longer bore the feminine features that I have seen what seems to be an infinite time in the mirror, looking for confirmation that I was still me in spite of getting old.
So, there, "death" - the word bears the same core as the word "earth" - the dust-to-dust, the return to that which we are made of. Simple, why fear?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise, see and understand the simplicity of death, in that I have, in reality never been anything else but transformed dust - to flesh - and death is the return to that state of dusting off my mind and becoming part of the whole again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to see that death is never anywhere other than here with me in every moment of breath and that my denial, or conveniently forgetting about death's presence, is a cultural phenomenon because society as a whole lives in denial of death and so I have programmed myself with this "blind eye" towards death that I have accepted and allowed myself to obscure the reality of death with self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-interest is the very starting point of the mind which separates itself from death and by doing so brings death through abuse and suffering as it creates the conditions that annihilate the physical world and creates life as the living death - as is evidenced by our dying planet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live forever, not realising that this desire stems from the mind which is how I give myself permission to fear the reality of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on the definition of losing my life when I realise that what I will be losing when I die is the continuation of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make every breath count in my daily living because the afterlife is unknown to me and thus I have no understanding of how to walk process there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the fear of dying and stand equal to death so that I can die in one breath.
to be continued