Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 406 - The slippery slope of making a decision




Today I had to travel by train to some place which is about an hour away from where I live. When I arrived in the place, I was supposed to walk for quite some time. So, I took all kinds of work with me, not at least my laptop to write my daily post for this blog. Once I arrived and walked I had no enjoyment because my bag was very heavy, loaded with all these choices I gave myself - so that "I could maximise my time". This was my thought. Then I realised this point of giving myself an option is part of not wanting to commit and make a decision about what I was going to do, and leaving myself a lot of choices was my way out from the decision and commitment. Instead, I should have made a decision of what I was going to do while travelling before I left and then stick to this decision. This apparent freedom of making a choice in the moment, of what I wanted to do while travelling, did not consider my physical body, and showed me the abuse and also the fear that is involved in what seems initially a minor point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide firmly before leaving my house how I was going to spend my time and select one activity that would not require me to carry a heavy bag.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still - in seemingly insignificant moments - evade making a decision and commit myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being efficient with my time and therefore overload myself with possibilities in how I can spent my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss of time and thus want to control how I spend my time in every detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I miss out on something else if I make a decision and stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that walking breath-by-breath is me walking a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thoughts in my mind instead of deciphering what to do in common sense.


2 comments:

  1. Cool Manuela!

    I've had a tendency to do this throughout my life as well, especially when traveling somewhere, and I too recently started to implement the point of bringing ONE or, if practical/relevant, TWO things to work on when I am traveling...instead of FIVE or SIX :)
    Which, as you mentioned, then leads to me perhaps not engaging with anything that I brought along and instead maybe just looking out the window and people-watching, and then having to lug around a bunch of stuff...the weight of my mind being the most heavy, lol.
    A specific form a self-sabotage indeed.
    Thanks for sharing!

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    Replies
    1. It shows the precision by which we have programmed ourselves - it's made evident in our 'minute' ways of interacting with the world. What I see here is the absolute importance to move one breath at the time - thanks for your comment Linds!

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