Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Day 402 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt4




...and I continue on from the previous post

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the first day at work because I believe that I need to make a good impression in my new work environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry will help me make a good impression where I allow myself to believe that the way I am - as is - is not good enough and that I need to improve something about 'me' before I start in my new work environment. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to worry about whether or not I can continue my routines when I have moved because I don't know what to expect what my daily living will be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already sussed out my supervisor and because I have seen that he is quite emotional, I imagine that I will need to be prepared for a roller coaster engagement because I draw on my memory where I react to the mood swings of others and I have used these reactions to program myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still accept thoughts that others around me constitute the source in how I feel about myself even though I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for myself at all times and that no one's mood swing have anything to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anxiety because I have never seen the physical environment of the lab and because I fear that I won't be prepared well enough with the move and my organisation to maximise myself in my new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change of environment and this is the reason I allow to exist for stalling the organisation of my belongings and physically moving myself there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sick and keep perpetuating the illness when i am actually very busy with preparations for the move and this illness is making it difficult for me to prepare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "every beginning has to be difficult" which is a phrase my father used to repeat to me, and which I realise is a way to justify my anxiety and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that a shift in my environment must be reflected with a shift within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have some positive excitement about the idea of a new beginning in a new job and finally having good money coming my way because I have thought my current life to be boring and dull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver inside of me whether to be more personal with my supervisor or more distant, and thus I give off mixed signals in how I allow myself to establish a relationship with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see clearly what I need to pack for the first part of the move and what I should leave for the later part of the move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the moving endeavour complicated, instead of staying practical and using common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my partner's well-being when I am no longer all of the time in his physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about my partner being able to take care of himself and the apartment when I am not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the unknown that will become known in a few days because I worry not being well-prepared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry at all because I realise that I fear not having control over the situation, and all the elements and people involved with it.

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