Saturday, August 17, 2013

Day 400 - Mentalising my starting point at work pt2




Here I continue from the previous post:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made up my mind about how I will support the lab instead of arriving there and then assessing the situation with my lab mates and also with my supervisor in real-time - and even though I believe that I have everyone’s best interest in mind I do not and cannot possibly contribute to a situation that is best for all when I use my imagination because my imagination is based on the picture I project into the world from a self-interest starting point and not on physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my thoughts where I am projecting and constructing how I will apply myself in my new environment, in that I have told myself that I will not make the same mistakes that I have identified in my previous research environment, and by intending to ‘operate’ in this way, I create a polar opposite situation shifting from one end to the opposite end in the spectrum of my behaviour and personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with a positive outlook because now with this new position I have gotten what I wanted and so I will now use my mind to create a new relationship with the people and the environment instead of realising that I can build a relationship breath-by-breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not produce enough valuable research within the next 24 months and that this will cause problems in my career, and by creating this fear within myself I will also justify to myself why I need to act in a well-considered manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to find collaborators in other universities, and thus will not have a future research environment to work in and cannot construct a international reputation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that I will - when my contract is over - find another, better university where I can continue to climb to the top.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I have already set up a mind relationship with my supervisor and that I can no longer change it, and if I were to change it, it may have repercussions with my supervisor who has already seen who I am in my mind and expects me to behave in this manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I must behave differently in my new environment and that this will cause my self-realisation process to stall. 

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