Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Day 397 - Death is my wake-up call pt1




In this post I am writing out my fears concerning the current changes of the composition of our group. Bernard is dead, our process continues. My mind probes me with thoughts and emotions and although relatively stable, there is fear in not having anyone take his place. In theory I am aware of us having to carry each our own responsibility to move ahead as a group and in ourindividual processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have periods of self-distrust come up and believe the thought that I am not enough to support others and myself effectively so that the group walks process on the same level as when Bernard was still alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process is dependent on Bernard because I have given Bernard a place in process that constitutes the all-seeing eye, which I relied upon to bring about the next step to implement as a group where all I had to do is follow along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process is going to be harder now because there is no one around to remove systems, and that without the removal of systems I am not able to climb out of my mind and walk into life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry and cry instead of pushing myself to be stable, breathing, and applying myself in my daily life and in my Destonian applications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Bernie's death to now neglect my other responsibilities that are of paramount importance as I am preparing the move to another country and start my new job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have regret coming up where I see that I could have applied myself more while Bernie was still alive, and I use those moments now to to justify my tears and experience of loss instead realising that in this moment I can decide to push myself more in walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 3 weeks I spent with Bernie were not enough and that want more time with him where it's all about me wanting to consume his presence, so that I have the security that I am doing OK and moving ahead with process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to give into my selfish mind, and even use Bernard's death as justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is no one in the group who has the same authority, to make decisions that are free of ego, and that this will cause problems in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself even Bernard said to me "you'll get there - I am not concerned about you" because in my mind I want to be reassured this statement when I go back to the farm next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never considered walking process as if Bernard is not there, thus I have never taken absolute responsibility because part of me has made Bernard responsible for providing the deeper insights and realisations about this world and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as disconnected from the farm instead of realising that the Bernard's death affects all of us equally. 

0 comments:

Post a Comment

 
Copyright © . Is life possible without the mind? - Posts · Comments
Theme Template by BTDesigner · Powered by Blogger