Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Day 393 - Paranoia about choice or looking for safety in unsettledness pt1




Problem:

I have been sick in the past couple of days with a heavy respiratory infection, making my breathing difficult, my nose stuffy, and I end up coughing hard. Yesterday I spent an entire day in bed mainly watching episodes online.

During my stay in bed one point kept coming up. I was worried about spending time watching TV, and not being productive. I have already looked into this pre-programed behaviour of "shoulds" that I live, but I have obviously not seen all the dimensions.

Clearly, my starting point was in the mind and not in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I could do in this moment which was not more than just lie there, I tried to convince myself to do something else that was more useful, more productive. This part of the problem is relatively clear, I am merely reinacting my parents.

The second part is that I have a belief that activities have to be evaluated from their effectiveness in how the shape my life. Watching episodes online had no further merit than to enjoy myself, ease the physical discomfort and allow my body to heal.

A third aspect I see in this is that I have not seen in my previous investigations with this point my preoccupation with feeling this unsettledness in the moment of an activity. This is what I will focus on in my self-forgiveness.

The solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unsettled and fugacious, because I do not trust myself when making moment-to-moment decisions in how I manage my time and activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to make a decision in how I apply myself with the time I have, when I step outside my pre-planned schedule, because I don't want to be 100% committed and no longer have other options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be settled within myself within all activities I do because I fear that in some way my choice will lead to failureand loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to what whatever it is that I have chosen to do, in each moment, even when that means that it wasn't the bestchoice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise self-trust does not require a relationship where I have to evaluate to trust myself or not based on some external factors, the whys, hows, and whats of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making choices because I believe that once a choice is made there is no turning back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself because I live trust in reverse where I trust the external world and not my Self, and therefore I need to be able to retract or withdraw because I cannot see all dimension of an external entity that I trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from myself, from experiencing who I am, profoundly and entirely  -  rather the experience is superficial and fugacious, because I see that in my mind I am already evaluating parallel choices to the choice I've made, so that I can compare how the alternative choice would have panned out, not realising that I cannot grasp the extend of real-world interactions with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being unsettled in my daily living is causing me to exit in self-doubt.

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