Thursday, August 1, 2013

Day 390 - "you have been tagged..." in my album of mental pictures






This post is about the realisation that I create mental pictures of the people I interact with. In these picture I store all memories of the interactions, and these memories are judged and classified into “positive” or “negative” categories (or energies) - what I like and don’t like about the person. This presents a reference point for me to interact with the being in real-time as he or she is standing in front of me. Alternatively, I use this reference point when I consider the person in my mind. Depending on the classified memories (or energetic charges), which category dominates the overall scope of the memories, I make decisions on what kind of behaviour I will use during my interaction with the person. Or else, if the person is absent I will make decisions in my mindhow I will interact with the person when I will be in their physical presence.

This program makes itself explicit with a system error which occurs when there is not enough polarisation in either category. Then a sort of struggle sets in because in my mind I am unclear how to approach the person, because behaviour is physical and needs a definite structure, the struggle ensues about the decision I need to make of what kind of behaviour to choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is necessary for me to store memories about others in my mind, so that I can use these memories to exist in polarisation within my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a picture of myself to which I live up to, as I have a picture of others to which I tailor my behaviour because not having any pictures for self and others indicates that I no longer need my mind and this creates fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a picture of self and others which I use for my interactions with the world to experience myself as safe and in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that memories are accurate and that they can guide me in my interactions beyond what I see, hear, smell, and touch in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must keep taps on what I have experienced with each person which I store in form of memories so that I can justify how I behave in their presence or how I think about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger about having to have a picture of others with attached memories because I realise that I have enslaved myself and I am not free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I believe that I cannot change this situation and that I am doomed to this program no matter what I do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having split myself up in multiple ways:


1. in the picture I have of myself which I aim to make come alive by searching, focussing and perceiving my physical reality, like a search engine, to locate possible matches between the picture (my desires, wants and needs) and what I can appropriate and use from physical reality to make the picture real.

2. in the pictures I collect of others which is where I store shared memories and neatly organise my friendships and others accordingly, to determine how close I want to be with each person, whereby I am disconnected from the person in reality, because my connection is established with the memory and not the real person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entangle my life in a web of memories which has become my life because I do not allowed myself to see the truth of my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have no memories to go by in my interactions with others I endanger my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must interact from my memories when interacting with people I have already met because if I don’t I can’t measure myself against others, and I won’t know how I should feel about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to store memories of my interactions with others because I believe in the accuracy of the memory and I further believe that this puts me in the position where I can ensure that my interactions go smoothly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from allowing the memories to determine my interactions because I have judged the memories as good / bad, positive / negative, right /wrong and I have created an automatic access point which each memory which acts like a domino effect which triggers my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up where I am overwhelmed in stopping all access to memories when I am interacting with others because I believe that this is very difficult to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience defeat when realising that stopping my mind means stopping myself from accessing the memories of self and all others I have interacted with in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on stopping to access my memories in my interactions and when being with myself because I believe that I cannot exist without definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a dizziness when I no longer draw on my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a pain in my wrist as I write this blog post because I do not want to let go of accessing the established memories I carry within me of myself and others, but it's really about me not wanting to let go of the picture I have of myself because I realise that the picture I have of myself determines how I judge others and classifies the memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the memories and the picture I have of myself because I will no longer know who I am - since my life is based on how I have defined myself within my interactions with others and the world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my world will fall apart if I no longer use my memories to define the picture I have of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and worry about who I will be if I imagine myself to loose all bridges to my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having a choice to feel comfortable or uncomfortable within myself because if I no longer reference memories that I have about myself and others, I then can no longer trigger feelings on how I feel about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be bored with myself when I can no longer oscillate between feeling good and bad about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of the pictures that exist within me because I fear not knowing what comes after the pictures are gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat come up when I imagine that I no longer have pictures of myself and others exist within me, whereby I fear experiencing my body differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up the energy of feeling 'bad' within myself where I physically feel as if my solar plexus is burning me from the inside out and I experience a heat sensation running from my chest down to my solar plexus area, because I have identified this physical feeling as a confirmation that I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to believe that when my body suffers with self-inflicted pain, I can believe that I am alive and that I am getting closer to the true meaning of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of the pictures I have of myself and others nothing will matter to me any more and I will be like a zombie walking around in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my ideas - that stem from my mind that protects itself - about what it will be like if I no longer act from the reference points of pictures and the encapsulated energies in form of judgements (good/bad, positive/negative, right/wrong) and interact with the world 100% connected with the physical reality that surrounds me guided by my in- and out-breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will separate myself from others when I no longer access the pictures I have of myself and others, because others will still function from the pictures that they have of themselves and others, and I will be the odd one out. 

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