Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Day 388 - Getting stable - scripting myself to eradicate resentment

In reference to the last two posts where I have spoken self-forgiveness on the various angles, situations and interactions that lead me to resent myself, others and my environment here are the corrective statements, where I am scripting my behaviour to stop myself living the automated patterns in my interactions with others.

If and when I have the opportunity to speak publicly or step in front of the team/department or any other group of people within my work environment, I take this opportunity and work through my resistances. I realise that I must take steps to be well-prepared for these sorts of situations. I therefore commit myself to device a plan in writing where I can develop a routine approach which builds up my speaking capacity so that I enable myself to walk the point of public speaking within the larger point of self-exposure and no longer experience energy (including fearanxiety, stress, and hesitation) of any kind when talking to a group, or 100 people and more about any topic.

If and when I am in an environment where I see the opportunity to connect with people, I move myself to make contact on my own, and do not allow myself to remain passive, fearing self-exposure -- I stop hiding. I stop all backchat and justifications and make connections with others, whereby I stop myself from assessing how others are responding to me, and focus on how I conduct myself in breath throughout the interaction.

If and when I want to “spin” a situation in my mind, where I am looking for a solution, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into my mind and create a strategy to approach the situation. I realise that I must completely stop using my mind in this manner because I realise that only when I cut off all paths that lead to my mind I stop trusting in my mind. I therefore commit myself to write and write - and I write further to devise a strategy in writing in how to approach situations with groups of people from the starting point of what is best for all.


If and when I create a picture of how my day should go, I stop and breathe, I stop immediately and bring myself here. I reset my focus onto the points that I need to accomplish because I have already prioritised them. I stop myself from mapping them out in my mind, I merely gather the information that I have on the task and then begin to execute the task in physical reality - if, at any time, I get to a point where I do not know how to continue, I briefly write out what is happening, why I don’t know how to continue, and I script myself a solution in physical writing. I do not allow my physical body to just move from the habituated movement patterns which are my mind expressing itself. If and when I have the urge to move, I stop and breathe, I adjust my posture and continue with writing.

If and when I have so many different strings of tasks before me that this begins to overwhelm me I stop and breathe, I go to my list and take each task that I have scheduled and write out the steps I will take to move the task forward, whereby I do not create expectations in how the task should evolve, and how long it will take me.

If and when I let go of creating a picture and a set of expectations concerning a task, I stop myself from going to the other extreme where I allow myself to float with the task instead of keeping an eye on how the task evolves (without emotional attachment), I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a reaction and not a solution and that the solution is to consistently apply myself without stress, at ease, without rushing, steadily apply myself and gently guide myself through the task.


As my life situation is changing I will have more opportunities for self-exposure. If and when there are others to interact with, I push myself to go towards others without expectation and withoutwaiting for them to come to me. I do not allow myself to retract, retreat or separate myself from others. I do not allow myself to judge others based on the picture that I see. I further push myself to actively participate with the team, to stay in breath throughout the interactions. In my interactions with the team as a whole or with individuals, I remain breathing, and stop all reactions towards others who talk very fast or interrupt me. I continue speaking until my sentence is finished whether the person is speaking over me or not. If and when I talk to someone who speaks really fast, I stop myself from feeling pressured to speak faster and remain in my meter and rhythm of speaking.

If at any point resistance comes up, I stop and breathe, I realise that this resistance is a pointer for more work, which I can at the end of the day review for myself. In the moment, if and when the resistance comes up, I breathe and push myself to continue the interaction. I do not allow myself to physically move away, I move my body as to adjust myself and continue speaking with the person. I stop all self-victimisation and resentment of my environment and focus on the solution.

As I am now making major changes to my life, I stop myself from my habitual thought pattern of allowing this change in my life to create resentment towards the changing parameters due to my new environment, because I no longer allow myself to create justifications of having to resent parts of the deal because of not having everything perfectly my way. If and when I have resentment come up where I believe that I have to put up with aspects of the situation that I don’t like, that are less beneficial for me, that are not my preference, that are not corresponding to the picture I have in my mind to which I try to match my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have a window of opportunity, a fresh start, so to speak, and that I am setting the starting point, from which I build my new relationships. I commit myself to create a starting point where I am stopping all blame, resentment and comparison about the people, the work and the new environment itself. I take responsibility by stopping my habitual pattern where I allow myself to mark specific parameters of my new life and work situation that I am not content with and slowly allow this discontentment to become blame and eventually resentment. I stop all justifications for 'feeling discontent' and realise that this is an illusion, and that there is no such place that gives me a perfect 'feeling of home' and instead I treat all aspects of the new environment as equal without judgement. I commit myself to this script and commit myself to eradicate any thoughts and backchats as they come up.

I realise that my responsibility extends further to writing out each point, as it comes up, because I realise that I will otherwise tend to 'bridge' my preferences and desires with what is happening in my new environment and that this leads me to compromise myself and to building up a level of negativity to which I then react by the decisions I make which reiterate the automated behaviour patterns. I therefore take each step and decision I make in writing. I commit myself to cease this opportunity and to walking this change with maximum application.

If and when I create backchat on any of the points that are related to me moving into a new environment and work situation, I stop and breathe. I immediately write out my self-forgiveness or I alternatively excuse myself and find a place to speak self-forgiveness out loud. I do not allow myself to let the backchat fester, grow and mutate into more automation and behaviour patterns. I commit myself to take this step at all times until I can stop in the moment and am comfortable within myself in the new environment, with the people and the work. 


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