Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Day 388 - Getting stable - scripting myself to eradicate resentment





In reference to the last two posts where I have spoken self-forgiveness on the various angles, situations and interactions that lead me to resent myself, others and my environment here are the corrective statements, where I am scripting my behaviour to stop myself living the automated patterns in my interactions with others.



If and when I have the opportunity to speak publicly or step in front of the team/department or any other group of people within my work environment, I take this opportunity and work through my resistances. I realise that I must take steps to be well-prepared for these sorts of situations. I therefore commit myself to device a plan in writing where I can develop a routine approach which builds up my speaking capacity so that I enable myself to walk the point of public speaking within the larger point of self-exposure and no longer experience energy (including fearanxiety, stress, and hesitation) of any kind when talking to a group, or 100 people and more about any topic.

If and when I am in an environment where I see the opportunity to connect with people, I move myself to make contact on my own, and do not allow myself to remain passive, fearing self-exposure -- I stop hiding. I stop all backchat and justifications and make connections with others, whereby I stop myself from assessing how others are responding to me, and focus on how I conduct myself in breath throughout the interaction.

If and when I want to “spin” a situation in my mind, where I am looking for a solution, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into my mind and create a strategy to approach the situation. I realise that I must completely stop using my mind in this manner because I realise that only when I cut off all paths that lead to my mind I stop trusting in my mind. I therefore commit myself to write and write - and I write further to devise a strategy in writing in how to approach situations with groups of people from the starting point of what is best for all.


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If and when I create a picture of how my day should go, I stop and breathe, I stop immediately and bring myself here. I reset my focus onto the points that I need to accomplish because I have already prioritised them. I stop myself from mapping them out in my mind, I merely gather the information that I have on the task and then begin to execute the task in physical reality - if, at any time, I get to a point where I do not know how to continue, I briefly write out what is happening, why I don’t know how to continue, and I script myself a solution in physical writing. I do not allow my physical body to just move from the habituated movement patterns which are my mind expressing itself. If and when I have the urge to move, I stop and breathe, I adjust my posture and continue with writing.


If and when I have so many different strings of tasks before me that this begins to overwhelm me I stop and breathe, I go to my list and take each task that I have scheduled and write out the steps I will take to move the task forward, whereby I do not create expectations in how the task should evolve, and how long it will take me.


If and when I let go of creating a picture and a set of expectations concerning a task, I stop myself from going to the other extreme where I allow myself to float with the task instead of keeping an eye on how the task evolves (without emotional attachment), I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a reaction and not a solution and that the solution is to consistently apply myself without stress, at ease, without rushing, steadily apply myself and gently guide myself through the task.


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As my life situation is changing I will have more opportunities for self-exposure. If and when there are others to interact with, I push myself to go towards others without expectation and withoutwaiting for them to come to me. I do not allow myself to retract, retreat or separate myself from others. I do not allow myself to judge others based on the picture that I see. I further push myself to actively participate with the team, to stay in breath throughout the interactions. In my interactions with the team as a whole or with individuals, I remain breathing, and stop all reactions towards others who talk very fast or interrupt me. I continue speaking until my sentence is finished whether the person is speaking over me or not. If and when I talk to someone who speaks really fast, I stop myself from feeling pressured to speak faster and remain in my meter and rhythm of speaking.


If at any point resistance comes up, I stop and breathe, I realise that this resistance is a pointer for more work, which I can at the end of the day review for myself. In the moment, if and when the resistance comes up, I breathe and push myself to continue the interaction. I do not allow myself to physically move away, I move my body as to adjust myself and continue speaking with the person. I stop all self-victimisation and resentment of my environment and focus on the solution.


As I am now making major changes to my life, I stop myself from my habitual thought pattern of allowing this change in my life to create resentment towards the changing parameters due to my new environment, because I no longer allow myself to create justifications of having to resent parts of the deal because of not having everything perfectly my way. If and when I have resentment come up where I believe that I have to put up with aspects of the situation that I don’t like, that are less beneficial for me, that are not my preference, that are not corresponding to the picture I have in my mind to which I try to match my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have a window of opportunity, a fresh start, so to speak, and that I am setting the starting point, from which I build my new relationships. I commit myself to create a starting point where I am stopping all blame, resentment and comparison about the people, the work and the new environment itself. I take responsibility by stopping my habitual pattern where I allow myself to mark specific parameters of my new life and work situation that I am not content with and slowly allow this discontentment to become blame and eventually resentment. I stop all justifications for 'feeling discontent' and realise that this is an illusion, and that there is no such place that gives me a perfect 'feeling of home' and instead I treat all aspects of the new environment as equal without judgement. I commit myself to this script and commit myself to eradicate any thoughts and backchats as they come up.


I realise that my responsibility extends further to writing out each point, as it comes up, because I realise that I will otherwise tend to 'bridge' my preferences and desires with what is happening in my new environment and that this leads me to compromise myself and to building up a level of negativity to which I then react by the decisions I make which reiterate the automated behaviour patterns. I therefore take each step and decision I make in writing. I commit myself to cease this opportunity and to walking this change with maximum application.


If and when I create backchat on any of the points that are related to me moving into a new environment and work situation, I stop and breathe. I immediately write out my self-forgiveness or I alternatively excuse myself and find a place to speak self-forgiveness out loud. I do not allow myself to let the backchat fester, grow and mutate into more automation and behaviour patterns. I commit myself to take this step at all times until I can stop in the moment and am comfortable within myself in the new environment, with the people and the work. 

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