Monday, July 29, 2013

Day 387 - Getting stable: more on blame and resentment



After I wrote the self-forgiveness on resentment in relation of public speaking, I realised that resentment plays a much greater role in my life beyond the incident of self-exposure. I realise that the thoughts on resentment are a companion to self-victimisation which I conveniently accept to avoid responsibility for myself. Interesting, once again I see that although the topics change the mechanism of self-dishonesty remain the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my day and my tasks and when I don't arrive at the goal that I have staked out for myself, I react with resentment to the external components, mostly to other people or to circumstances where I look for points that I can blame for having prevented me from sticking to my plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a situation I am collaborating and I become impatient with the person not working in the way I envision it should go where I then 'silently' react to the person by creating backchat and blame them because I believe that it was because of the person that  I undermined my work output.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am reacting to me not performing how I envisioned my day should go, where I fear losing control over myself, instead of realising that my starting point is from the mind and that I desire to satisfy my mind instead of living in physical reality therefore I blame external factors to justify my approach and divert myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a rigid stance about how I accomplish my tasks because I first 'work them out in my mind'  where I then transpose the picture I have created by superimposing it onto physical reality, where I have no way of connecting to the events as they occur in physical space which is then the justification I give to myself  to resent others in my environment because I cannot achieve a match between my mind and the picture I have in my head of how my day should go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that although I first look to blame external factors, ultimately, on a deeper level, I resent myself for not living up to the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear operating in physical reality alone, without holding on to an image in my head to which I match my performance because I fear that I no longer have the safety of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons where I can resent me - because I evaluate the outcome of my actions as imperfect - I always see room for improvement and as long as I move myself from this starting point, which is moving myself FROM negativity TO positivity, I keep myself trapped this cycle which then gives me permission to feel resentment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my imagination where I am trusting my mind, not realising that I am disconnected and cannot assess the real-life parameters and which then gives me more reasons to experience resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in resentment, from a specific situation to my overall life choices, thereby experiencing myself negatively which is why I believe that I have to improve myself to reach the positive experience of me - and so I keep myself trapped in this cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept blame as how I assess my interaction with others in that I allow myself to blame others in how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel better when I can point to an external factor to blame for how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must feel good about what I do and how I do it, not realising that this creates a polarisation where I can allow blame to take place in my life and thus allow myself to resent others.


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