Saturday, July 27, 2013

Day 386 - Getting stable and letting go of resentment about self-exposure




This post follows up from the previous one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent aspects of my current life because I believe that the resentment is justified and that is why I further believe that I need to change my life, not realising that to want to change my life from this starting point is based on a mental trap and will not stop me from experiencing resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent aspects of my life because I believe the resentment is real and in doing so I negate my responsibility as the creator of my life because I do not want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent part of my life because I judge my decisions that have lead me to this situation through the lens of good and bad, rather than working on understanding the mechanisms of how I programmed myself, which is the sum total of all my decisions which is equal to where I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept resentment as justification to separate myself from my reality, including other people, and keep myself trapped in self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept resentment as justification why I should not engage in certain activities - like public speaking - and by considering it a waste of my time I allow myself to not be here every moment of breath but rather be somewhere in my mind because I have justified to myself that this activity is valueless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I do has to be classified into value/ no-value and by allowing myself to judge my activities in this manner i believe that my life has meaning because I have purpose if I focus on doing the activities that I judge as having value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging my activities and live here in every moment of breath because I realise that when I judge what I do from the perspective of added "value" to my life, I judge from the perspective of status and ego which is what keeps me locked and trapped in my preprogrammed design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself and therefore allow myself to resent that my life is not going in the way I desire it to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling the picture I have of myself and therefore I allow myself to experience myself as bored and discontent when having to prepare for this presentation which is how I justify searching in my mind to find 'other' ways that are less 'difficult' to get what I believe I require and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with weariness and aversion to having to work in the world system for my survival - where this presentation is part of my the work I must to do to compete for my survival - and this comes down to me not wanting to take responsibility for what I have created as member of humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat where I allow myself to repeat in my mind the words 'this such a waste of my time, I could be doing more meaningful things than having to spend so much time on preparing for this talk' - where I end up judging myself because I realise that I have been avoiding presenting my work because I don't want to expose myself by speaking publicly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat "why do I have to do this, what a nuisance" where I judge the activity of preparing for my talk as less than me which has the effect that I 'feel' superior, so that I don't have to admit to myself that I am afraid of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat that "if I had dealt with the situation years ago, I would not have to do this right now and I could be done already" and thus I realise that I have missed an opportunity in the past and by hanging on to the regret, I allow myself to justify the resentment I have for the current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up in form of a picture, where I am in an endless loop of having to prepare and rehearse my talk, and so i use this thought to condition myself that to think that I must suffer as part of the preparation for this talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a thought about an activity where I have to suffer - as with this presentation where I see an image of myself engaging in endless rehearsals and preparatory steps for the presentation - I do what is expected of me, in terms of working hard, and I don't realise that I have simply created a belief to which I try to live up to and where I accept that suffering is the proof that I have lived up to my own expectation - and then use these points to justify my resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being totally at ease while giving the presentation and knowing just what to say and do, and from here I build up expectations - and so I practise my talk against these expectations but when I see that I set myself up and that my reality does not match this imagination/expectation, I then justify feeling resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the moment where I am actually giving the talk and because of the expectations that I create with this projection, I am experiencing my physical body in unease and pain in my solar plexus area where I allow myself to feel nervous and insecure, which is how I justify feeling resentment. 

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