Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Day 385 - Getting stable, facing the point of 'self-exposure'

Before I continue with the topic on my previous post, I want to write up what has come up in the recent days as reaction in relation 'exposing' myself to others. I am in the process of stablising my life, that is I have been at this for a while now. By stablising I mean literally becoming stable with my job and living situation.

The current situation, of not being stable, is the outflow of consequences I have created for myself from years back. The best analogy I can give for that is when you cut your hair short and then you decide to let it grow out, it takes time and you have to deal with the various lengths, in one way or another.

This stretch - of becoming stable - has been going on for the past two years. There have been many twist and turns since then and I experienced my life/ myself as chaotic and directionless. Mostly, I had to face many points that I have buried at the bottom of myself, without even knowing it. It all came to light when I started with the Desteniiprocess. It was as if the "truth" of me, the person I had created throughout my life emerged in front of my eyes. Oh, shit.

Now many points are in the limelight and I am able to provide myself with situations to face them, one by one, and all in the process of becoming stable. The recent one I just faced occurred just a day ago. This one had to do with the relationship I have of myself when I am 'exposing' myself to others. The way I experience myself as uncomfortable in situations and interactions, where in the past have found ways around it, I now have come to a point in my life where I can no longer do that if I want to become stable.

The particular point I faced was public speaking for approximately an hour. Since I was a child I have escaped what I understood as 'self-exposure' in front of others (watching and judging me) but this very point has played an ever growing role in my life, and especially in the past 8 years where I have taken the professional route which includes to a large degree self-exposure in relation to knowledge. Talking about a topic that I have studied, and which I divulge voluntarily in front of others in a speaking 'performance'- where my work is under scrutiny, which up until now has spelled "I am under scrutiny". Up until now this is how I have perceived this situation, of course I realise that this is the crux of the fear-program which I have to walk through.

The first part I want to walk here is the resentment I experience because I have spend the past weeks completely focussed on preparing for this "public performance". The resentment is always the same: "I'd rather be doing something that has real meaning, value, purpose and so forth", and "I am missing out on so many other things, oh, now I really want to write a blog". The point that I am not getting/stopping here is that without a stable life I cannot contribute to something that has real meaning and value, such as supporting our group to grow.

The point of resentment comes back to one thing: I don't want to be in my skin, which is the same point of not wanting to stand in front of others and facing the 'self-exposure'. Therefore the first step of becoming comfortable in my skin is to accept where I am at, but at the same time, not allow myself to use the process of becoming stable and the points that I am facing as justification for other things, such as "I don't have the time to write that blog" - and then experience myself in conflict with the same result: I am not comfortable within my skin.

Next, I will walk the self-forgiveness specifically on the point of resentment....


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